


Valkyrie

by IllegalCerebral



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma, Cop Reader, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), Pen Pals, Reader-Insert, Shooting, Slow Build, Slow Romance, UnSub Reader, Vigilantism, dirty cop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-02-26 00:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13223976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: By day you are a dedicated Sheriff's Deputy and by night you deal out justice to those who evade it. You have always had control over the two sides until the BAU are brought to your doorstep and you find yourself struggling to balance the two halves of yourself. As you embark on a complicated relationship with one of the agents, everything you have fought for is at risk but is the promise of a new, better life worth it?





	1. March 2004a

Your eyes didn’t take long to get used to the dark as you crept round the side of the warehouse. You moved slowly and deliberately, your ears pricked for the sound of your target. Footsteps echoed in the night and you paused in the shadows, your body tense.

He walked right past your hiding spot, pulling out his phone and yammering away like he didn’t have a care in the world. You smiled to yourself. This one would be an easy one, quick too. You had taken into account the possibility that he may not be alone but he was an arrogant bastard, he thought he was untouchable so he was out here alone at night. Vulnerable. 

You fell into step behind him, keeping a safe distance as he whined down the phone about his stock, the payments that were due him and the possibility of a lucrative new deal.

“Yeah whatever Joey just make sure they pay up fast this time or I’ll send a couple of my guys round for a chat” he hung up and swore violently. “Cheap fucking bastards”.

You paused when he did, fishing in his pockets for a packets of cigarettes and his lighter. He never found either, in one swift movement you stepped out of the shadows and jammed the needle into his neck.

* * *

 

“The fuck!” he mumbled, spinning round. Bad idea. he lurched violently to one side, staggering as he tried to right himself. You cocked your head to one side, fascinated how how such a big man could be disarmed so quickly.

“Hi Bobby” you said calmly.

“Whatd’youdo?” he mumbled before falling to his knees. You moved forward, yanking him by the shoulders and dragging him towards his car. It wasn’t the easiest job in the world but you made it. You felt in his pockets for his keys and then bundled him into the back seat.

You looked around one last time before getting in. You knew it was deserted, on the outskirts of town so no one would stumble on it accidentally and you knew all the cameras had been disabled. They had done it to keep themselves safe but in reality it made it an easier job for you.

* * *

 

The sun was rising by the time you had finished your night work. You really could have done with a couple of hours sleep but instead you settled for a hot shower and a massive cup of coffee. You were slower getting ready for work than usual, cursing yourself as it was kind of an important day. You had debated with yourself for a while whether you should have gone ahead with your plan for the previous night or waited for a while. Eventually your need to get the information that was vital to your larger plan had won out over your sense of caution.

You could just tell your work colleagues you’d had a bad night sleep but you would need to be careful that it didn’t become a regular thing. You had worked too hard and your mission was too important for you to slip up and get caught. You were patient and ultimately that as what was going to help you get what you wanted.

“Morning Pam!” you smiled brightly at the woman at the front desk as you entered.

“Good Morning! The boss is looking for you, he’s in his office” said Pam.

“Thanks.” The boss’ office was just down the hall. as you could approached you could see he was in deep conversation with two men whose faces you couldn’t see, though one was wearing a very sharp suit. When he saw you through the glass he waved you in.

“Morning! Agents this is the deputy I was telling you about, one of our best and brightest. Deputy these are Agents Hotchner and Reid” said the Sheriff, indicating each man in turn.

“Good Morning Agents” you stuck out a hand. Only Hotchner shook it, Agent Reid seemed to shrink back slightly. You couldn’t help yourself raising an eyebrow.

“Sheriff Donnelly says you were one of the first on the scene when the bodies were discovered.” said Hotchner.

“That’s right Sir” you said affecting a shudder “A group of kids hanging in the woods stumbled on them. Of course we only thought it was one body at first. Forensics dug up the other two.”

“Is the area well travelled usually?” asked Hotchner. This guy seemed all business which you appreciated. The other agent still hadn’t spoken, his eyes flicking nervously between the three of you.

“Not usually” explained the Sheriff “It used to be hard to get down there but we’ve had some bad weather recently, trees blown over, mudslides and we think that’s what disturbed them.”

You were about to continue when Agent Reid finally spoke.

“Typically this area usually averages between 14 and 16 inches annual precipitation but over the last four months rainfall has been 26.8% higher than average. Add to that a warmer spring and the snow thawing earlier, the freak weather almost definitely exposed the bodies. If not for a combination of unusual weather events the bodies could have remained buried for decades. It’s interesting though-”

“Reid” Agent Hotchner cut in sternly.

The younger man blushed and mumbled and apology, retreating back into himself. Donnelly looked bemused, something of a habit with him.

“So do you reckon our killer would have been aware of all that when disposing the bodies?” you directed the question pointedly at Agent Reid. He blinked, clearly shocked to be asked.

“It would demonstrate that he’s careful and meticulous” Agent Hotchner interjected “How long did the ME determine they’d been there?”

“The oldest had been there a year, the next four months and the last two months” said Donnelly.

“So he could be escalating” said Hotchner “Now his dumpsite has been disturbed he’ll need to find somewhere else. He could make a mistake and that’s how we’ll catch him. Deputy could you accompany Agent Reid to the ME’s office? Sheriff the rest of our team is at the crime scene, I’d like for us to establish a base here”

You both nodded in agreement. 

“it’s only a five minute drive” you said as Agent Reid followed you out of the station. You walked briskly and the sight of him hurrying after you, all arms and legs like a baby deer was almost endearing.

“So how long have you been at the bureau?” you asked as you drove off.

“Not even a year” he sounded embarrassed but you wouldn’t have suspected him of being an agent that long by the look of him. He was clearly trying to dress in a way that made him look older but was having the opposite effect. His shirt was too large on him and crumpled under the baggy cardigan. Hid ties was crooked and his hair had been slicked back in a way you suspected was meant to reminiscent of Agent Hotchner.

“I don’t mean to be rude but how old are you?” 

“23 in a few months” he said, even more embarrassed this time. You didn’t know why.

“I’m 21, signed up as soon as I could at 19.″ you said with a small smile “I’m the baby of the department”

“Doesn’t that bother you?” asked Reid “Having everyone treat you like a kid?”

You shrugged, having never thought about it much before. Truth be told it was actually helpful for everyone to think of you that way.

“I’d be the baby no matter what. My dad was a deputy and I’ve known most of these guys since I was yay high”

“Is he still a deputy?” asked Reid. You tried not to tense at the question.

“No, he isn’t. He died when I was younger”

“Oh my God I’m so sorry, I didn’t-” Reid began to gabble

“It was a long time ago” you said, feeling your throat tighten “It’s okay, you couldn’t have known.” You felt bad seeing how upset he looked. He was an odd one that was obvious, but it was sweet. You wanted to move the conversation away from you. “My dad is the reason I went in law enforcement. How about you?”

“I was doing my last PhD and Agent Gideon came to the University and did a talk on behavioural analysis and we got talking afterward because I had questions about-”

“Woah, hold up! Last PhD? How many do you have?”

“Um, three...”

Reid squirmed in his seat as you looked at him briefly in bewilderment before turning your attention back to the road.

“That’s amazing”

“Really?”

“Unless everyone at the FBI has multiple PhDs?”

“No just me,which is good really because they probably wouldn’t have let me in otherwise...” Reid had gone red but he seemed pleased. Maybe he was used to ridicule when he told people about his qualifications?

“So you’re technically Dr Reid then?” you asked, pulling up outside the ME’s office.

“Yeah I am” he said and the faint blush grew darker.

“Well maybe you’ll have a better understanding than me of what the ME is going to tell us because it always sounds gibberish to me”

That wasn’t strictly true. It had become necessary over the course of that last few years for you to try and learn some basics of anatomy and while you had stuck to the parts that were most relevant to you, you had learnt a lot. You couldn’t exactly let anyone know though.

Dr Henry, a middle aged woman with short, dark hair welcomed the two of you in. There were three tables laid out in a row with three bodies covered in sheets.

“No ID yet” she said apologetically.

That didn’t matter. After all, you knew exactly who they were - you had been the one to kill them. 


	2. March 2004b

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The investigation into the newly discovered bodies goes deeper as you become more familiar with the BAU

“They were all killed by a gunshot wound to the head” explained Dr Henry, pulling back the first sheet “The rest of the injuries were inflicted post mortem. Their hands were burnt, possibly with a chemical and  their jaws and teeth were smashed, I’m thinking a chisel or similar tool was used.”

“It’s a forensic counter measure” explained Reid “We can’t identify them by dental records or finger prints. Is there any sign of sexual assault?”

You suppressed a shudder at the though of being touched by men like that.

“Not in the most recent body. The others are too decomposed to tell” said Dr Henry

“Hmmm”

“What are you thinking?” you asked Reid. Your stomach was in knots. When the bodies had first been uncovered you had expected them to arrest you straight away. You couldn’t eat or sleep for fear of them coming for you. You had calmed down since then when nothing had happened, but the arrival of the FBI had you on edge.

“There’s no sexual component which means that the purpose of the killing isn’t to satisfy a sexual desire or play out a fantasy. Gun shot is a hands-off way to kill someone, it’s impersonal and clean, plus the steps to obscure their identities…”

You really didn’t like where he was going with this.

“We could be looking for some kind of contract killer” Reid finished.

_What?_

“Huh” was all you could say. On the surface, when you thought about it, it actually made sense as a theory. You just happened to know it was completely wrong.

“Is there a lot of organised crime in the area?” asked Reid. Dr Henry jumped in before you could answer.

“It’s a port town so plenty of people are bringing stuff in and out of the country here. There was pretty nasty drug trafficking ring up until about two years ago. Plenty of them ended up on my table” sighed Dr Henry.

“There’s still some problems with drugs” you nodded, glad to be steering the investigation in that area “We can do through the records for all recent drug offences if you like?”

“Sure, the rest of the team should be back at the station by now right?”

* * *

You were intrigued to meet the rest of the BAU, after all they were all that stood between you and freedom to continue your work. They had an excellent reputation and you respected people who took pride in their jobs the way they did. On the other hand you also wanted the matter cleared up as soon as possible. There was no way the three dead men could be traced back to you but if the FBI was going to be hanging around it would making getting rid of Bobby’s body difficult. For now he was occupying your freezer in several bags - not your usual way of doing things but you could adapt. 

When you arrived back at the station Sheriff Donnelly was talking with Agent Hotchner and two other Agents. 

“This is SSA Derek Morgan and our communications liaison Jennifer Jareau. Guys this is Deputy Y/N” explained Dr Reid before Hotchner had a chance to open his mouth.

“You can call me JJ” said Agent Jareau with a smile. Agent Morgan raised his eyebrows and gave Reid a pointed look that made him blush.

Hurriedly, Reid explained what the ME had told the two of you and his theory regarding a professional killer. 

“It does explain the MO” said Agent Morgan “And the crime scene was secluded, out of the way, at least before the weather disturbed the bodies. Our UnSub probably knows the area well.”

“You think its a local?” you asked.

“Not necessarily, the port means that there’s a lot of people coming in and out of the area on a regular basis” said Hotchner “It could be someone who works here.”

“That doesn’t narrow it down” grumbled Donnelly.

“It could possibly be drug related” Reid piped up “The ME said there was a problem up until a couple of years ago?”

“Oh yeah but that was dealt with” shrugged Donnelly.

“I said we could still look at the records though, just in case” you said.

“If you think it will help” said Donnelly with a small shrug.

“In the mean time our technical analyst is going to look through murders with similar MO’s in the surrounding states. A professional would probably wouldn’t fine themselves to such a small area” said Agent Hotchner “ Morgan can you go with Reid and Deputy Y/N to look through these records?”

“Sure, I’ll try not to cramp pretty boy’s style” he said, clapping a hand on Reid’s shoulder. Reid looked like he wanted to drop dead there and then and he couldn’t meet your eyes after that.

* * *

The FBI was there for the next week and you spent most of that time retrieving files and painstakingly sorting through them with Reid and Morgan.

“Two names keep coming up” said Morgan on the third morning “Frankie and James Hudson.”

“Yeah” you said darkly “The Hudson brothers and their cronies are responsible for half the trouble in town and the other half is in retaliation”

“It looks like it was their drug operation that was broken up a few years ago’ said Reid.

“Yeah they started it up after their father was locked up. He was the guy who ran things in town for about thirty years”

“What kind of things?” frowned Morgan.

“Anything and everything. It wasn’t a super sophisticated operation but he had a knack for evading the cops. He once beat a guy to death for looking at him the wrong way in a bar and no one would talk so he walked.”

“Sounds charming” said Reid “Where is he now?”

“Died in prison a while after he was finally arrested. Heart attack of all things. The brothers took over soon after”

“So this whole thing could be gang related” said Morgan “The victims could be people who crossed them”

“Most people regard the Hudsons as relatively small time” you said, eager to move the conversation on to something else.

“But you don’t?” Reid’s question caught you completely off guard. You hoped to god your face didn’t show it. You shrugged instead.

“When Frank Sr was in charge they were into some pretty shady stuff but he didn’t delegate very well, at least not to the brothers. I heard that was kind of a sore point. I just it just seems likely they’re trying to claw some of that back”

“No one else agrees?” asked Morgan. You felt exposed under both their stares.

“I don’t want to speak out of turn”

“Hey” Morgan’s tone was soothing “Kid I get it. I was a cop too, you don’t want to rock the boat, especially when you’re just starting out.”

“It’s just a theory”

“But a good one” Reid said with a smile. You hid your dismay well, fearing you may have just set them off in a direction you didn’t want them to follow.Over the years you had crafted the perfect outwards appearance. Enthusiastic but not irritating, keen but not overly, smart and preppy - a small town girl who wanted to follow in her father’s footsteps and who believed that the system took care of everything not a killer who stalked the streets dealing out justice that wasn’t going to come from anywhere else. 

“We’ll see” you said “Anyone for some coffee?” They both nodded and you hurried off, relived to escape their scrutiny. When you headed back you couldn’t help eavesdropping by the door.

“She’s cute”

“Morgan do you think you could be professional for once?”

“Like it’s professional of you to be staring at her when she isn’t looking?”

“I am not!”

“You are! That’s why you’re reading so slow, you were watching her for a solid five minutes earlier when she was reading”  
  
“I was taking a break from looking at the file. I’m trying to prevent eye strain. Did you know that 6.9% of-”

“I think there’s another type of strain-”

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence!”

“Look pretty boy why don’t you ask her to grab a coffee or something when we’re finished for the day?”

“We’re working a case!”

“Everyone needs to relax, especially after one like this”

“Hey coffee’s here!” you beamed as you entered the room. Reid looked mortified and even Morgan looked like he was waiting for you to say something.

“Did you find something?” you asked innocently.

“Not yet” said Morgan and the two of them seemed to relax. At least they didn’t suspect you, that was the main thing, though you did feel a tug in your stomach as your fingers brushed Reid’s when handing him his coffee. You pushed that thought aside. People like you didn’t do things like that, didn’t  _feel_ things like that. You did find yourself glancing up more often though.

* * *

The bodies remained unidentified and even though Morgan brought up the Hudson brothers with the Sheriff they all dismissed the theory fairly quickly. There was zero evidence to back that particular line of enquiry up anyway. Reid never asked you out for coffee. You didn’t mind, you weren’t exactly free in the evenings anyway.

Eventually the case was shelved and the BAU headed off to their next case.

“I am grateful for your help” said Donnelly as the two of you saw them off at the station.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t do more” said Agent Hotchner, shaking his hand “The case remains open, call on us anytime if you need to.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way but I hope we won’t” you said which earned a laugh from the team. 

As they drove away you hoped that would be the case. There was work to be done and the past week had been a distraction from that and you couldn’t afford anymore of those.

Fate had other plans however.


	3. February 2007a

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden, violent attack brings the BAU back but all is not well on the team

You didn’t really spend much time thinking about the FBI once they left except as a cautionary tale about how you needed to be careful when working. Bobby was quickly disposed off, selecting a new burial site was easy enough. There was a lot of undeveloped land on the outskirts of town plus there were the sand dunes and the sea itself, all good options. In the end you chose two places on opposites sides of town and split the body parts between them, burying them deep.

His associates only noticed he was missing a few weeks later. You kept you ear to the ground, heard the rumblings. His people were on edge but not overly worried, that was good. You had managed to get some useful information out of him but you didn’t want to bring the FBI back to your door so you sat on it for a while, preferring instead to spend your nights staking out a number of interesting spots. One was a warehouse on the docks and the other was house downtown. You photographed everyone who when in and out, took down licence plates, noted the exact times of movements. There were no deliveries, and it seemed to be the same personnel each time. That fucker Bobby misled you.

You kept this up for six months, the frustration growing. It grew harder and harder not to let the frustration seep into your work. You snapped at Pam instead of saying good morning, you were constantly tired from your late nights and made some silly mistakes due to your concentration lacking. Finally you are hauled into Donnelly’s office.

“I know what this is” said the Sheriff in a tone you weren’t expecting. Donnelly leaned forward, concerned etched into every line in his face. You had been prepared to stand your ground, even if it had cost you your job, you were in fight mode and you had been completely wrong footed. When you didn’t say anything he continued. “It’s twelve years next week kiddo”

You felt like you’d been punched in the stomach. Had you even been aware? Of course you had - on some level that day was etched into every synapse in your brain. It was bone deep, you could no more forget it than you could forget your own name. 

“I-” your voice trailed off, your eyes began to sting. Donnelly put a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Your Dad was one of the best officers we ever had and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him but that won’t be anything compared to what you’re feeling now” 

“I thought I was fine” you said in a small voice. That, at least was the truth. You had wanted to think that you were leading both your lives equally, that your mission wasn’t affecting your day job, that you weren’t clouded by feelings about your father. None of that was the case. 

“Take a few weeks” said Donnelly “That’s an order. Go down the coast, spend some time at the beach, mourn your Dad. Come back when you have had a chance to grieve again. None of this will go on your file.”

You wanted to protest, you needed to be in town to continue your work but in your heart of hearts you knew the surveillance was going nowhere. You needed to refocus. 

He hugged you goodbye once you agreed and your only stop on the way out was to apologies profusely to Pam. Her response was to pull you into an even tighter hug and remind you how much everyone was thinking about you. You made a mental note to send her flowers anyway, with what you had planning it would be better to be in everyone’s good books.

You did as you were told, you took a month off, cleared your head and went back to work with a fresh perspective. You stopped surveilling the warehouse and the house downtown and spent you evening gathering everything you could find on the list of names you compiled. 

You started calling it your hit list.

* * *

“Deputy!” Pam looked worried as you headed into the station. Since your leave of absence over two years ago you hadn’t had another slip up though the last few weeks had been draining. Someone was selling party drugs to the local high school kids and the Sheriff’s department was having trouble keeping up. A girl had already died from a bad batch and you were suspicious it may be distantly related to your night work.

“Hey Pam what’s up?”

“Sheriff Donnelly was trying to get hold of you on the radio. There’s been a shooting at Molly’s Diner over on fifth”

“How many dead?”

“Four and Deputy Maxwell was injured when responding. They’ve driven him to the hospital and Donnelly had me put a call in to the BAU?”

“The guys who helped us with the bodies a few years ago?” You kept your voice even.

“That’s right” Pam nodded “Donnelly stayed in touch with Agent Hotchner just in case something happened with those bodies and he has been doing some work on the drug dealers case for us. Donnelly thinks the shooting is related and they’re coming down”

“Well I guess we should take all the help we can”

_Fuck, fuck fuck!_

The diner was a bloodbath. Donnelly couldn’t hold the scene until the BAU got there, they would take too long. Instead he had CSU take three times as many photos as usual before moving the bodies and made them be extra thorough when processing the scene. You knew what this must be doing to him so you pushed your own concerns aside for the moment. 

It was actually a relief when the BAU turned up a few hours later.

There were two extra agents with them this time. The first was an older man who brushed past everyone without introducing himself and headed straight to the crime scene. Agent Hotchner introduced him as Jason Gideon, you remembered him as the man from Agent Reid’s story. You were unimpressed. The second newcomer was a dark haired woman introduced as Emily Prentiss.

“I’ve filled the team in on the situation in town for the past eighteen months” explained Hotchner “What makes you so sure this is related?”

“Maxwell, the injured deputy was able to give us a brief description before they took him away” you explained “The description matched a local dealer we haven’t been able to identify.”

“Why not?” cut in Reid. He looked different from the last time you saw him - paler, twitchy almost. His behaviour was different too, less nervous more…defensive? Curt?

“It’s a vague description” you said “Young guy, anywhere between eighteen and thirty, dark hair, tallish”

“That barely counts as a description” scoffed Reid.

“Reid” Hotch warned.

“No that’s fair” you said “The problem is none of the kids buying from these guys want to talk. Even when Ella Wayland died, the high school girl, her friends wouldn’t talk to us. It’s amazing we got the description we did”

“Maybe the feds coming to town will scare them into talking” said Morgan.

“Why would that make a difference?” asked Reid “If they’re more scared of the dealers than they are of the Sheriff’s department then what hope do we have?”

The rest of his team looked embarrassed but you thought he could be right.

* * *

The team excluding Reid, JJ and Hotchner headed to the local high school with Donnelly to interview students. You took the others back to the station. JJ began planning a press conference asking for witnesses, Hotchner was on the phone with their technical analyst and that left Reid scrutinising a map, marking the areas known to be used by the dealers.

“Coffee?” you offered a cup “I’ve got tonnes of sugar if you still take it the same way”

“Actually can I get some water please? I’m kind of thirsty.”

You were back a short while later with a bottle for each of you. He drained his in a few minutes. You raised an eyebrow and offered your own. Reid took it sheepishly.

“Thanks”

“It’s the least we could do with you helping us”

“Just doing our jobs” Reid said, his eyes downcast. His tone was almost resentful. It really wasn’t your place to interfere and you didn’t want to invite more scrutiny but something tugged at you.

You brushed it aside.

“Pam has booked you guys into a hotel. It’s nothing fancy but it looks like you’ll be here a few days”

“Thanks, can you excuse me?” Reid went sprinting off down the hall. When he still hadn’t returned thirty minutes later you headed off to find him.

The bathrooms were at the rear of the station. You could hear retching sounds followed by a groan. When you entered Reid looked terrible. He was even paler than before and clammy, his face and arms covered in a sheen of sweat.

“Shit are you okay? I’ll call a doctor”

“No, no you can’t do that. I’m fine” begged Reid

“You’re on your hands and knees on the floor”

“It’s the flu, or a stomach bug, I’ll be fine in a sec”

“The flu? Are you serious?”

You looked at him. Stomach cramps, vomiting, dehydration, agitation and sweating.

“Are you in withdrawal?”

Reid said nothing, his eyes were screwed shut and his teeth gritted.

“Shit” you paused for a moment and ran out. You grabbed more water, a cloth from the first aid kit and a cleaning sign  which you put in front of the door.

“We won’t be disturbed. Can you sit up?”

As Reid sat with his back against the cold tiles you ran the cloth under the tap until it was nice and cold, then you pressed it to his forehead. He jumped at the sensation, his eyes snapping open.

“Sorry should have warned you” you said, moving the cloth and pressing it against his cheeks, one side and then the other. You damped it again and repeated the action on his neck. “Going cold turkey is a really stupid way to kick a habit you know”

“Yeah I know” he nodded weakly “Your hands are soft by the way.” You raised an eyebrow and pulled the cloth away.

“Here’s more water” you said “Does your team know?”

“Yeah though we aren’t talking about it” Reid said.

“Sip don’t gulp” you instructed “Do you need to go to a meeting? I know a guy who runs one in town.”

“No I-” Reid stopped and then said in an even quieter voice “Yes please.”

“I’ll give him a call” you promised. You went to stand up but Reid grabbed your wrist.

“Thank you”

“You’re welcome” you said softly “You really shouldn’t do this kind of thing alone. Call a doctor or someone when you’re done here because it’s only going to get worse. How are you feeling?”

“A little better.” said Reid and he clambered awkwardly to his feet. He still moved like a baby giraffe learning to walk. You smiled. “I need to talk to Hotch and then can you tell me where this meeting is?”

“I’ll go one better and drive you. It’s really close,” you said before you could stop yourself. The look of gratitude on his face made you feel better about skipping out on the case. There was still a chance you could gather some information for your own hunt but somehow, for reasons you couldn’t quite explain, this seemed more important. 


	4. February 2007b

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Reid seeks help you deal with the fallout from the diner shooting

You dropped Reid off at the meeting and promised to be back to pick him up in two hours. The plans were delayed however almost as soon as you got back to the station.

“The UnSub is Jimmy Gordon” Agent Hotchner was telling Donnelly. 

“Damn it I know him!” said Donnelly “He’s been locked up a few times for petty theft. He lives across town, we can pick him up”

“Since when has he been a drug dealer?” you said as you headed to the cars.

“No idea” growled Donnelly “I’ll be asking him when we corner the little shit.”

You felt a hand on your arm and turned to see Agent Hotchner hanging back. He waited for everyone else to pass you before he spoke.

“Thank you for what you did for Agent Reid” he said.

“Anyone would have-”

“No they wouldn’t” Hotchner cut in “Anyone else would have seen a compromised agent who couldn’t do their job and they would have punished rather than helped him and I just wanted to let you know how much we all appreciate that. Agent Reid…Spencer went through something terrible and I don’t think we handled it in the appropriate way.”

“I’m not here to judge anyone Sir” you said, though a small part of you wanted to know more “Everyone needs a helping hand once in a while. I find that compassion works better than scorn.” Hotchner nodded.

“Thank you” he said again and after a fractional moment’s hesitation he headed out to the cars. You followed, wanting to let Reid know somehow that you wouldn’t be able to keep your promise. If he returned to the station Pam could fill him in but for some reason you wanted to let him know yourself. Still, you were oddly comforted by the fact that Reid was well out of harm’s way.

* * *

Jimmy was holed up in a squat on the far side of town, near the industrial district. When you arrived one of your colleagues, Deputy Raine, reported that they believed there were at least two other people, both armed, in the house. 

“Any idea who the other two are?” you asked.

“At least one is Jeff Malone” said Raine, chewing his lip “The other I’m not sure”

“Tell me about them” said Agent Gideon.

“Long histories of violence” said Donnelly “Constantly in trouble”

“Jimmy got busted with pot a couple of times when he was a kid” you said “He was a few years ahead of me in high school. Malone is dangerous, real hair trigger temper”

“He once broke one of my deputies’ jaw when he was about nineteen, they picked him up for drink driving”

“Hotch is going to try and negotiate” said Gideon, his face blank and his voice steady.

“I don’t think they're going to go for that” said Donnelly.

“We have to try” said Agent Gideon as if it was the most simple thing in the world and he wandered off towards Hotchner and Prentiss.

“Odd guy” said Donnelly. You nodded in response but your mind was on the guys in the house, in particular who was the third person. Neither Jimmy nor Malone were the social types. You had only ever seen them with each other. Plus the drugs operation was far too sophisticated for Jimmy to have come up with on his own. There was an uneasiness in the pit of your stomach. 

It took nearly an hour for someone to get hold of Jimmy on the phone. He refused to speak to anyone except Donnelly so Agent Hotchner stood at his elbow feeding him lines. 

“I didn’t do anything” Jimmy said over and over. Your eyes narrowed as you listened intently.

“We know you didn’t mean to hurt anybody” said Donnelly, cautiously “We just want to resolve this without anyone else getting hurt”

“No, no no! You’re not listening to me!” yelled Jimmy “We didn’t do anything!”

“Jimmy we have witnesses that saw you shoot up that diner” said Donnelly exasperatedly. Hotchner held up a hand as a warning. Everyone held their breath.

“That was a mistake. It was never meant to turn out like this” said Jimmy, his voice sounding tight.

“I know Jimmy” said Donnelly “Just come out and we can see what we can do to fix this mess”. There was a loud crash on the other end of the line followed by shouts. You could hear three different voices but couldn’t make out what they were saying. There were more crashes.

“We need to go in!” yelled Deputy Raine.

“Get ready” said Donnelly. Everyone got into position despite protest from Agent Gideon. As he and Donnelly got louder and louder, shots rang out from the house. Donnelly swore loudly and you all headed inside, weapons raised. 

It was a bloodbath. Jimmy was sprawled out on the floor, eyes and mouth open along with the back of his head. The walls were caked in brain matter and bone fragments. Jeff Malone was a few feet away, a massive hole in his chest, presumably from the shotgun lying beside Jimmy. There was also a third man in the corner, revolver still clasped in his hand. You and Donnelly picked your way over so you could make out his face. It was scabbed and scarred, he’d been in a few fights recently. There was another large wound in his chest. 

Clearly one or both of them had been against surrendering and tried to shot Jimmy who retaliated. There were bullet holes in the walls and ceiling as well as a pile of ammo and extra weapons in the corner.

“That’s Davey Ellis” said Donnelly quietly and your stomach began to churn.

“He’s an associate of Jimmy’s?” asked Agent Hotchner, coming up behind the two of you.

“No he works, I mean worked, for the Hudson brothers” said Donnelly.

* * *

You volunteered to go back to the station, you couldn’t stay in that house a moment longer. CSU was processing the scene and Donnelly was co-ordinating with the feds. As you made your way outside you saw a black van down the street. You squinted, trying to make out the driver. You could just make out the thick brow and jutting out jaw of James Hudson. The van pulled away and all you could do was stare after it, your mind spinning. It looked like you were going to have a few night trips in the future.

Agent Reid was back at the station with Agent Jareau when you returned.

“What happened?” she asked and you filled them both in on what happened, leaving out spotting James afterwards.

“I’m going try and stall the media on this” said JJ “Last thing we need is this blowing up.”

“How are you?” you asked Reid softly once JJ had left. He was looking a lot better than he had in the bathroom. He returned the smile.

“I’m okay. I’m sorry I wasn’t there though.”

“I’m not sure the outcome would have been different. Jimmy and Malone were ticking time bombs.” you said “I don’t know if we could have got them out peacefully.”

“What about the other guy?” Reid asked.

“Davey Ellis is an old friend of the Hudson brothers, they’re-”

“I remember them from the files” said Reid “I thought their operation was broken up? Are they re-starting their drugs business?”

“Could be” you said though you knew there was more to it than that. Perhaps the drugs were an extra revenue stream. You were convinced that their father’s business practises and deals were still active and they would need money to claw them back.

“So we may end up seeing more of each other” said Reid, awkwardly. You blinked, confused for a moment.

“Oh with the case!” you said as the penny dropped “Yeah things could get out of hand.” The Hudsons were untouchable, at least by conventional means and you knew that better than anyone. However maybe the Feds would be able to something that the Sheriff’s department couldn’t. 

Even as you thought it you doubted it.

“I promise not to collapse in anymore bathrooms if that’s the case” said Reid, a crooked smile on his face.

Was he flirting? 

“You best not” you grinned back, a warm, bubbly feeling in your stomach. You tried to push it away.

“Thank you for helping me” Reid said, more seriously now “I’m not usually like that.”

“Oh I get it you’re one of those guys!”

“What guys?”

“Weight of the world on your shoulders, taking on everyone’s pain, no time for you or your feelings. Am I getting close?”

“Not remotely” said Reid, though something in his eyes told you different.

You were interrupted by the return of Donnelly and the rest of the BAU. Everyone piled into the bullpen as Donnelly outlined what had happened and a plan of action. The BAU would be staying for at least a week as you picked apart Jimmy’s movements for the past few months, trying to find how extensive his dealing was and what his connection was to Davey Ellis and possibly the Hudson brothers.

You listened quietly and made plans of your own. You still had boxes of stuff from your years of surveillance and questioning. You were going to cross reference everything with Jimmy and Malone, see when and where they could have come into contact with the Hudson brothers. Perhaps something would come up in the investigation you could use to work out who else was working for the Hudson and after some questioning they could meet the same end as the three you had dealt with previously.

You hadn’t had to kill anybody since Bobby. You didn’t enjoy it, there was no need or desire that you had to fulfil. It was a mission plain and simple, one you would do anything to complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news! Valkyrie will now be updating twice a week!


	5. May 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the BAU tackle a series of tough cases everything changes for the reader and Spencer

A cry rang out in the darkness as blow after blow landed on her face.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” the girl cried “It won’t happen again Chad I promise!” Her voice sounded thick with tears and the blood gushing from her nose. Chad smacked her again, this blow so hard it sent her crashing into the pavement. The girl curled into the foetal position, her sobs muffled.

“No it fucking won’t” snarled Chad “If I catch you pulling shit like that again I’ll-”

Chad collapsed with a grunt, a bemused look crossing his face. You jammed the needle into his neck and as he was scrabbling around you crossed over to where the girl was cowering. She couldn’t have been older than seventeen. You crouched down beside her.

“I’m not going to hurt you” you said gently, your voice deep and muffled from the balaclava you’d pulled over your head. The girl didn’t seem convinced and you couldn’t blame her. You also had a thick scarf wrapped around you and a thick black hoodie pulled up. You dug into your pocket and pulled out a wad of cash that you pressed into her hand.

“There’s a shelter on Washington Street” you explained “Go and ask for Elizabeth. She’ll help you. Don’t tell anyone what you saw here tonight okay?”

The girl’s eyes flicked from you to Chad, who had finally passed out, and then back again. She gave a shaky nod and scrambled to her feet, sprinting into the night. 

You straightened up and turned back to Chad in disgust. You nudged him with your boot. No response. 

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

You headed into work next morning bleary eyed, earning a look of sympathy from Pam.

“Damn neighbours doing DIY at all hours” you had explained with a smile when you had started staying out late again. You were much more careful this time around, where you could you took weekends off to catch up on sleep and you were always extra nice to Pam.

“A parcel came for you” grinned Pam “All the way from DC.” You frowned.

“Perhaps it comes from the same person that send those pretty postcards all over your house” teased Pam and you felt your face growing hot. You snatched the parcel and murmured a thanks before heading to the break room. 

_Over a year ago, as the BAU had prepared to leave as the case surrounding Jimmy’s shooting spree grew cold, Agent Reid - Spencer - had pulled you to one side._

_“So I only have a work email address and I don’t use Facebook or anything but I would like to stay in touch if that’s okay with you? I mean, if you find it weird then pretend I didn’t ask, but I mean I really appreciate how kind you were when I…you know? I know you aren’t a therapist or anything but it was nice to talk to someone and-”  
_

_“I’ll give you my address” you smiled “You can write to me if you like?”  
_

_“I would like, very much” he said.  
_

_“Better yet you can send me a postcard from all the places you go to for work!” you said. You didn’t know why. The last thing you needed really was a Fed checking in with you, considering your plans. However you didn’t really have any friends, or even acquaintences, outside of work. You went to social stuff with work buddies and sometimes you grabbed lunch with Pam but you weren’t close to anyone. Of course you couldn’t really afford to be but there were times when it hit you, this aching, gut wrenching loneliness. There were times when you’d cried in bed or spent all day lying on the couch, staring at the walls because you felt so completely disconnected from everyone around you. When Spencer had asked to stay in contact something inside you had been sparked._

You checked that no one else was coming before opening the parcel. Not because you thought it was dirty or anything like that because because it felt special - like a secret and you wanted to keep it to yourself. It was a book on Norse mythology. You had spoken on the phone to Spencer a few weeks ago and he had mentioned his mother reading to him as a child and you told him how your Dad had done the same. He’d had a shelf full of books about myths and legends from around the world and the book of Norse Mythology had been your favourite. You’d always had a thing about epic heroes. You had apologised for rambling and he had just laughed, saying it was usually him that had to apologise for that. 

You ran your hand over the cover feeling simultaneously touched and wary. There was a beautiful raised design of a giant serpent on the front and you traced the lines of its scales as your mind wandered. You had begun looking forward more and more to the postcards and the phone calls. The anticipation would bubble away inside of you and afterwards you would feel not only content but also safe. At the moment it was the only time you felt that way and you were acutely aware of the danger of that. There had been several times when you had gone to put an end to it but you could never bring yourself to.

You looked down at your hand on the book. The same hand that had pulled the trigger and shot Chad last night. The same hand that has smashed his teeth and poured acid on his hands so he couldn’t be identified. The same hand that had dug the hole you had rolled him into.

Bile rose in your throat. You shoved the book and your other stuff in your locker and headed to work.

* * *

“So we have a case in Brixton County” Spencer’s voice sounded muffled, it was a bad line. Brixton County wasn’t that far away, an hour and a half, two hours tops. 

“A rough one?” you asked, stretched out on you couch a few days later.

“Three teenage girls dead and we’re looking for a fourth” you could hear the pain in his voice.

“I’m sorry”

“We have hope we’ll find her alive but…”

“I know” you said softly, your heart breaking for him “How are the meetings going?”

You knew that there had been a smilier case a few months ago where two girls had been abducted and he father of one of the girls had shot one of the kidnappers right in front of Spencer. Personally you wouldn’t have lost too much sleep over a scumbag like that but Spencer had phoned you as soon as the case was done, shaken and craving. You had spent all night on the phone with him, neglecting your mission. He had started going to extra meetings afterwards.

“Fine, I prefer it when there are other law enforcement people there. It makes me feel…less alone I guess? Less of a failure.”

“You aren’t a failure” you reminded him. “You couldn’t have stopped him from killing that boy. You can’t blame yourself for other people’s choices.”

“I know” he said quietly “…look, I was wondering, and you can say no - I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I was wondering if once the case is done maybe I could drive over?”

Your breath hitched.

“Yeah sure” you couldn’t stop the words coming out of your mouth even though you knew it was a terrible idea “Can you spare the time?”

“I have a few vacation days!” Spencer said excitedly “I could use a little time away from the team”

“I’ll make up the spare bed”

“Don’t be silly I’ll book a motel. I won’t take up more than a day of your time.”

“Absolutely not” you said firmly “You can stay with me”

“Oh okay. Thanks” Spencer sounded breathless.

“I’m looking forward to it” you said and despite every impulse within you saying otherwise, that was the truth.

* * *

You couldn’t concentrate at work over the next few days. Several times you picked up your phone to ring Spencer and say you had to cancel but you could never quite bring yourself to do it. The anticipation was building up inside you like electricity.

You made up your spare bed and then got on with the much more vital task of locking up your garage where you kept your tools. You weren’t too worried as there was no reason for him to go in there but as you were putting everything away you flashed back to that feeling you had when you opened Spencer’s present. You bit down on your lip, hard, hoping to distract yourself with the pain but that thought was always there.

By the time Spencer rang to say that the case was being wrapped up and he’d managed to wrangle three days off you’d worked yourself into a bit of a state. You distracted yourself by making a list of everything in the local area you though he might be interested in: a museum, an art gallery, an antique bookshop, the marina, the beach, a bar where they had a jazz night or the concert hall where a violinist would be performing. You were sure you had plenty of things to fill three days.

“How was your trip?” you asked when he finally arrived. It was pitch black out and starting to rain.

“Traffic was awful” said Spencer, pulling a face “I’m so sorry I didn’t realise I was going to be this late, I would have held off until tomorrow.”

“Don’t be silly. Can I get you a drink? I have red wine, whiskey, and soda.”

“A small whiskey please?”

You grabbed two, inviting Spencer to sit on your couch. He looked tired you noticed as you handed him his drink before settling down next to him.

“Was the case really bad?” you asked.

“They all seem to be at the moment” Spencer mumbled “First there were those two girls in California, then a case in Philadelphia where we’re pretty sure the lead detective planted evidence and then last month this kid went on a killing spree in Texas and I just…I know it’s wrong but I felt so bad for him. He was bullied relentlessly at school, he was abused by his father, the girl he loved was tormented and he snapped and I just, I got too close and…”

“What happened?” you asked softly.

“I talked him down” said Spencer, taking a long gulp of whiskey then wincing, “Hotch was furious. I’m pretty sure he nearly fired me for being so reckless. I just - I just couldn’t watch him die you know? Not after everything he had been through. I know what he did was wrong, he killed people, I just…”

“Everyone has their limits” you finished “Everyone is capable of snapping. Everyone has that darkness inside them. He reminded you of yourself right? When you were a kid?” Spencer nodded mutely “You wanted to help him because no one helped you but you’re worried that maybe if you have the same pain inside you it means you could be driven to do the same things?”

“You should think about becoming a profiler” said Spencer “You’re not half bad. I don’t think there’s anyone else I can talk about like this. Thank you.”

“I’m a good listener” you said with a shrug “And I know a little bit about holding back the darkness. You’re not a bad person, or bad at your job.” 

_Oh sure just spill your guts right here, that’ll go down well._

“Really?” said Spencer, turning to face you properly, closing the gap between you.

“Yeah. Empathy for people like that kid is important and you’re great at that. You’re caring and considerate and-”

You didn’t get to finish that sentence as Spencer leaned in suddenly, kissing you. He pulled back abruptly, hardly giving you time to registered what just happened.

“I’m so sorry that was really inappropri-”

This time time you didn’t let him finish. It was as if all that energy that had been building inside you since his gift had arrive suddenly exploded. You kissed him harder than he had kissed you, your fingers tangling his hair while his hand went your face, thumb stroking your cheek. You couldn’t stop the involuntary hum of pleasure escaping your lips as you broke the kiss.

Common sense yelled at you to stop, to pull away and explain that there was some mistake. You ignored it, leaning in again, leaving a trail of kisses along his jaw as he gently brushed his fingers over your neck, your pulse fluttering beneath them. You stood up, heart hammering as Spencer looked at you confused. You grabbed his hand and tugged.

“Upstairs” you said breathlessly. He didn’t respond, just sat there blinking. “Unless you don’t want to?” you added quickly suddenly feeling incredibly foolish. Perhaps you had completely misjudged the situation. Maybe Spencer had just felt sad and he didn’t really want you he just wanted to feel better for a moment. 

“I do” Spencer stood up, squeezing your hand and the tension seemed to leave your body. You squeezed back and made your way up the stairs.

* * *

You were awake first the next morning. The sensation of someone else in bed next to you was one you hadn’t felt in a while. When you first woke up you felt warm and safe. You could feel Spencer’s breath on the back of your neck, tickling you. His arms were wrapped around your waist and his face was buried in your hair. You moved your own hand to cover his, laying flush against him. It was nice until the full weight of what happened hit you. 

You lay there, not wanting to disturb his sleep, trying to work out what to do. You definitely couldn’t be in a relationship considering what you spent your spare time doing, but most of all you couldn’t be in a relationship with  _this_  particular FBI Agent who was so sweet and kind and who would be torn apart if he found out what you were, what you had done. 

You tried to tell yourself that there were no emotions tied to this, having someone close to you with access to the kind of information Spencer had was in your interest, that was all. He was an asset of sorts. 

That felt hollow as you thought it. Spencer was your friend first and foremost. You enjoyed your conversations and got a little thrill when a new postcard arrived. You loved telling him about your day and hearing about his in return. You had loved it last night when he had murmured that you were beautiful as he kissed you, when he had asked what you wanted, what you needed and when he had told you how much he wanted you.

_Shit_

You’d whispered back the same kind of things, urged him on, enjoyed every part of him. The first time may have been in the heat of the moment but that excuse wouldn’t fly for the second time. It wouldn’t explain lying there afterwards as he ran his fingers through your hair or you traced your fingers along his collarbone. It wouldn’t explain the butterfly kisses on your forehead or feeling his pulse under your lips as you caressed the soft skin of his neck.

Suddenly you felt Spencer stir behind you. You stayed absolutely still, trying to steady your breathing. You wondered what he was going to do, was he going to wait for you to wake up or was he going to sneak out and pretend nothing had happned? The second option was a painful one even though you knew it would be better that way in the long run. You tried to ignore how tight your chest felt.

“Morning’” said Spencer sleepily. He lightly kissed your shoulder and it took all your strength not to react. You lay completely still. Spencer shifted.

“Y/N, I know you’re awake.”

You didn’t know what to do. You wanted to turn around, bury your face in his chest and you wanted him to hold you. You wished you weren’t a monster. A normal girl would know what to do. Spencer pulled his arms away and you felt exposed.

“I should go” he said quietly and you felt the bed move as he went to leave. Against all the protests ricocheting around your head you turned over.

“No don’t. I mean, you don’t have to” God you hated the way you sounded, so unsure. In every other aspect of your life you were 100% in control. When it came to people, or specifically dealing with people outside of work or…when you weren’t fulfilling your mission, you fell to pieces. You felt like a square peg in a round hole.

Spencer was looking at you with concern which made you feel worse.

“If I pushed you into something you didn’t want to do…”

“No, God no!” you exclaimed and Spencer visibly relaxed. You couldn’t help but smile. “It was pretty much my idea… I just didn’t expect your visit to go this way.”

“So no regrets?” Spencer lay back down beside you.

“No” you said honestly “No it was nice.” It was more than nice but you were still testing the waters at the moment.

“Okay so why do you look so on edge, like you think I’m about to get on one knee?”

You went to argue but closed your mouth, your face feeling hot.

“I’m not” said Spencer with a grin that lit up his whole face “Just to clarify. You can relax,”

“I know” you said quickly. There was a long pause and both of you burst out laughing simultaneously. The tension immediately lifted and you had that familiar feeling of safety that you’d felt when you received a postcard or got off the phone after a long talk. “Spencer…I’m not girlfriend material. You know that right?”

“I know. I’m not really boyfriend material either. Still friends?” he asked with a gentle smile, brushing a stray lock of hair out of your face “But I meant what I said last night. It means a lot that I can talk to you about things.”

“You can always talk to me, scout’s honour” you said, wrapping your arms around him. Spencer pulled you close, holding you tight.

“Just talk?” he asked.

You tilted your head to look at him. There was no expectation on his face, the ball was in your court. You knew that both of you could walk away now and things could return to as they were before or you could add a new element to your relationship. You didn’t answer, instead you pressed your lips to his eagerly, pulling him on top of you. 

You knew that boundaries would have be set and conditions put forth or else you were in danger but for now you just wanted to enjoy the moment and let the world fall away.


	6. 2009-2010

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tentative romance blossoms while the past refuses to remain buried and current events cause problems

You settled into an arrangement you both felt comfortable with. The postcards and phone calls continued - you told each other about work, the tough cases, the triumphs, the little day to day quirks in your life. Every month or so one of you would go and visit the other. The first time you took a train to DC, having never visited before, and stood awkwardly in his apartment, not knowing what to do.

“We don’t have to do anything” Spencer said “There are loads of museums or we could go catch a movie.”

But you wanted to, you wanted to so badly it had driven you crazy the entire train ride over. You didn’t say as much but Spencer picked up on it and you could tell as he pulled you close that he felt the same. His fingers traced up and down your spine and you tilted your head to the side, allowing his lips to find yours. You hummed in pleasure as the kisses increased in pressure. The two of you did end up visiting a museum but not until late the next day when you had finally dragged yourselves out of bed. 

It became a comfortable pattern. Your compartmentalisation skills served you well; it was like you had become two people. There was the woman who stuck each new postcard on the wall above her dresser and ran her fingertips over them from time to time, who who relayed all the corny jokes she heard at work but managed to mess up the punchlines and who spent hours exploring her lover so she had every inch memorised and when she closed her eyes it was like he was right there.

Then there was the other woman. This woman spent her nights creeping around abandoned buildings, stalking associates of the Hudson brothers, making notes of their businesses and cornered thugs in dark alleyways, jamming needles into the necks and leaving them in no fit state to be recognised. The bodies were mounting up. You never used the same disposal site twice in a row and you made sure that you left a long enough “cooling off period” in between.

It seemed like everything was going fine until Spencer rang up one day.

“You were shot?!” you half shrieked down the line.

“Only in the knee but that’s not why I’m calling”

“Only in the knee, for God’s sake Spencer!”

“I’m fine really” he said “But Hotch…” his voice trailed off.

“What happened?” The BAU were Spencer’s family and for a moment the sadness in your voice made you think that the worst had happened. You liked Agent Hotchner despite the threat he posed to you. He was a man of integrity and you respected that.

“He was attacked at home” Spencer said quietly. The story rushed out, seemingly in one breath. A man called George Foyet, The Boston Reaper. You had heard of him, heard of what he had done but it turned out he had done so much more. “His family is in witness protect. Foyet is out there gunning for him and Hotch… he seems okay but he’s so good at concealing how he feels… I just…”

“I have the weekend free, I’m coming down…don’t try to argue” you said firmly.

Those two days felt different to how you had been before. Firstly you were shocked by the twist in your guts you felt when you saw him hobbling on crutches, the reaction was so visceral you couldn’t hide it from Spencer. he reassured you again that it wasn’t that bad but you knew he was in pain.

You spent the whole day just listening to him: how he was frustrated that he couldn’t help his friend, how worried he was for Hotch’s wife and child - a small boy too young to understand what was going on and how scared he was at losing another team member.

Gideon leaving him had devastated him, he had spent hours on the phone to you reminiscing, venting his anger and pouring out his hurt. This was different though. He had never lost someone in a violent way.

Spencer lay with his head in your lap, your fingers stroking his hair like a child. You said nothing, just listened. It was all he needed and in any case you couldn’t think of anything to comfort him. A long time ago you had lost somebody in that way so you knew better than anyone that words were meaningless.

That night in bed you were slower and more gentle than usual, partly because you were afraid of hurting his wounded leg and partly because you could sense that was what he needed. You fell asleep quickly afterwards, Spencer’s arms wrapped tightly around you, your face buried in the crook of his neck.  The feel of him, of his body heat and soft skin was soothing.

_It was dark and cold. So desperately cold. The room around you was swaying and you struggled to find your balance. You were so small and helpless, tossed about in cramped space filled with bodies. You were going to die in there._

_Then you were free, on a street in the middle of summer, the sticky heat bearing down on you even though the sun had set. Your knees hurt from the concert you were kneeling on and your hands were sticky._

_They were pressed into something soft._

_Y_ _ou looked down._

_It was a body torn open by gunfire and in vain you pressed harder, the thick blood oozing over your hands._

_Lifeless eyes gazed up at you and then someone was calling you name, someone familiar…_

You awoke with a start drenched in sweat, your heart hammering. You were still in Spencer’s arms, his eyes filled with concern. He held you close.

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you. It’s just a bad dream,” Spencer repeated softly, over and over

You wanted to protest you were fine but your mouth was dry. Instead you sank into Spencer’s touch, trying to regulate your breathing. He brushed your hair out of your face.

“Sorry” you mumbled “I haven’t had a nightmare since I was a kid.” Now you had calmed down you just felt embarrassed. Spencer eased back down onto the pillows, still holding you. His lips brushed your forehead. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

When you were young you had a tendency to flail out when you had nightmares, kicking and throwing your arms out in an attempt to escape the damp, dark spaces.

“No I’m fine” said Spencer “Are you okay?”

_I think talking about your friend brought up some stuff I’ve tried to suppress._

“I’m okay” you said, turning so you could face him. Spencer looked unconvinced so you leaned in and kissed him deeply, you lips parting slightly and your tongue darting out.

“You know you can tell me anything right?” he said as you broke apart.

“I know” you lied “Go back to sleep, I’m fine.”

* * *

The rest of the weekend was pleasant enough but a strange tension hung in the air, one that neither of you wished to acknowledge. Spencer wanted more. He didn’t say as much but when he spoke about Hotch’s family you could tell. It simultaneously touched you and hurt you. On the one hand he had so much love to give and you knew, as much as you tried to tell yourself otherwise, that he was more than a friend to you. Once or twice, when you crawled home from your night work, when you’d scrubbed away the blood and cleaned your crimes off of you, you had allowed your mind to drift to a place where you woke up next to him everyday and you spent your time doing mindlessly ordinary things like grocery shopping or making dinner. You also knew in your heart of hearts that Spencer would make an amazing father.

Those things were also what frightened you, along with the strength of your feelings. You berated yourself for being so stupid as to let yourself get comfortable with something you knew you could never have.

The only relief was that Spencer didn’t say anything. He took you out to a classical concert on the Saturday night and you spent Sunday morning watching old movies. You could feel him watching you when he thought you weren’t aware but he never said anything and you were both glad and disappointed. There was a hint of sadness about him as you kissed goodbye and promised to phone when you got home.

You cried silently in the car the whole way back, angry with yourself. Despite that though you weren’t ready to let go just yet. 

* * *

A few months later the postcards stopped and there were no phone calls. You didn’t know whether to reach out. When he did call you, his voice sounded tight and tired. Foyet had come back, Hotch’s wife was dead.

Apologies and words of comfort spouted forth but you didn’t offer to go to him this time. There was a chance that if you did you wouldn’t be able to leave. You sat on the phone for three hours, listening to Spencer tell you his fears and his worries. You promised to call him the next day to check in. 

“Thank you. That means a lot” Spencer half whispered.

“You know you can always call me”

The old year faded and the new year drew in. The Hudsons bought a bigger warehouse downtown, Hudsons’ Shipping and Import Ltd was expanding. The company seemed to come out of nowhere. As far as you could tell they specialised in bringing in second hand electrical appliances and various homeware shipments from Europe. Donnelly had friends in the coastguard he had asked to keep an eye on things.

“I know how you feel about these guys” was all he had said after he told you. You felt sick. Donnelly didn’t know about your mission, thank god, but you had to be careful now the Hudsons were officially back on the radar. You scaled back your surveillance and refrained from picking out a new victim.

By the time Spring was gave way to Summer your body count had reached nine, including the first three bodies that had accidentally been uncovered. Perhaps you would bake a cake when you got to ten? Standing in the bathroom of the Sheriff’s station the thought made the bile rise in your throat and you dashed into the stall. 

You waited patiently, trying to distract yourself with other things. That night you called Spencer but he didn’t pick up. When you spoke to him nearly a week later he sounded sick but wouldn’t be pressed.

“I’m fine!” he snapped and you stood gripping the phone in silence. Spencer mumbled an apology - work had been stressful lately - then muttered a goodbye.

The air was sweet with the scent of honeysuckle as you sat on your porch with a cold beer and watched the sunset. It was beautiful, picture perfect, but to you it all seemed so flat, like a painting you touch but you could never be a part of.

You shivered as the night drew in.


	7. March 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A connection to an old case brings Hotch and Spencer back to town and painful memories are brought up.

“When did you take up yoga?” asked Pam as you jogged into the station, a rolled up mat under your arm.

“It’s good for stress!” you said with a grin as you headed for the locker room

“You know what else is good for stress?” said Pam suggestively and you tried to laugh but it felt like there was weight in your stomach.

You and Spencer hadn’t actually seen each other in person since way before Christmas. Work (of varying types) had overwhelmed both of you. Petty crime was on the increase round the docks and someone seemed to be picking up where Jimmy had left off and pushing drugs near the High School. At the BAU, JJ had been forced out meaning that the team was down a vital member. 

When you heard you invited Spencer to stay with you, knowing how close the two of them were. When he visited it was almost like old times. You had vented your problems to each other and then you had attempted to cook before giving up and taking him to your favourite Indian restaurant followed by a jazz night and then heading home to collapse on the sofa.

* * *

 

_“Your hair is so short now” you said as you ran your fingers through it. Spencer was stretched out on his back with his head in your lap.  
_

_“You don’t like it?” he opened one eye and glanced up at you.  
_

_“It suits you” you smiled “Though I do miss being able to braid it”  
_

_“I’ll grow it out then” he snorted. You kissed his forehead lightly, your fingers flexing in his hair. You felt Spencer’s hand on the back of your neck and moved to kiss him on the mouth. The kiss was long and more passionate than you had enjoyed recently and heat erupted in your belly. When you broke apart he clambered off of the sofa and grasped your hand, pulling you towards the stairs with a grin. It reminded you of that first night a few years ago. You kissed him like your never had before, with all the desperation of a drowning woman clinging to a life raft. Every touch and every breath felt somehow magnified as you collapsed into bed in a flurry of gasps. You wanted each moment to stretch out for as long as possible, surrounding you in an overload of sensations. Afterwards, as you lay in a tangled pile of limbs you thought you had never been happier and you nearly said so. You nearly said a lot of things but instead you contented yourself with laying your head on his chest listening to the dull thump of his heart._

The next morning Spencer had awoken before 5am with a headache and brushed off your attempts to help. He had pretty much left straight away then, mumbling a goodbye and leaving you feeling alone and vulnerable in your own bed. You never really got an apology or an explanation, he phoned a week or so later out of the blue but pretended like nothing happened. He did seem more eager than usual to hear about your work though and he listened more than he talked. Perhaps that had been his way of making it up to you? The next few months things seemed back to normal but then you hadn’t spoken to him on the phone for the last two weeks and no more postcards had come.

“Did you hear me?” asked Pam. You blinked. She rolled her eyes but smiled all the same.

“Donnelly wants to see you, he’s on the phone to the BAU”

_Oh for fucks sake_

Having showered and changed, you knocked on the door of Donnelly’s office. He beckoned you in you, still on the phone.

“Right Agent, I’ll see you soon” Donnelly hung up with a sigh. “They found a body last night just inside the county lines in the scrublands. She had her ID on her: Natalie Taylor, 18 years old and working in a bar in Brixton County. BAU interviewed her a while back after a spate of murders in the area”

You remembered, this was the case Spencer and his team had been working on when he had come to visit you the first time. Donnelly had carried on talking, not noticing your recognition.

“They arrested a Lucas Skerritt for the murders, some ex-felon who came to the county for work. He picked these girls off of the street. Took him alive but he refused to speak to anyone. They wanted to do a ViCAP interview or something.”  
  
“Skerritt couldn’t have killed Natalie then.” you said with a frown “I don’t get it”

“When I passed the message along to the Sheriff in Brixton County she said some of the details were familiar. That and the fact that Natalie was a witness last time makes him think there could be some connection. Skerritt liked to cut these girls, slashed up their faces.”

Your stomach turned and the room felt cold.

“Agent Hotchner and Dr Reid are flying down to give a helping hand. It’s just them as we only have one body at the moment. Think you could take them round?”

“Sure”

* * *

 

Something was wrong, you could sense it. The two of them looked like the weight of the world was pressing down on them both as they entered the station.

“Thank you for coming down to help with this” you said, shaking Agent Hotchner’s hand “Donnelly got hold of the Brixton County files and I’m up to speed. Do you want to visit the crime scene first or see the body?”

Spencer winced. Both you and Hotchner noticed it and for a moment no one spoke.

“Crime scene please Deputy” said Hotchner quietly and you saw the same sadness in Spencer’s eyes reflected in his.

“Is-is something wrong?” you asked quietly. Hotchner hesitated while Spencer turned and made his way out to the SUV.

“Agent Prentiss do you remember her?”

“Yes.”

“She was killed a short while ago. The team…the team is struggling to cope, Spencer in particular.” Hotchner paused and then lowered his voice “He never told you?”

So Hotchner knew about the two of you. If you hadn’t been given such horrible news you might have been embarrassed. You couldn’t speak, just shook your head.

“He puts up walls” Hotchner said, half to himself and half to you “It’s not a reflection on you I promise.”

You nodded and the two of you headed out to the car.

* * *

 

You stood to the side while Hotchner and Spencer picked over the crime scene. From what you gathered this dump site matched the ones in Brixton County. One girl had been left in a landfill, one by the side of some railways tracks and two more in alleys.

“Discarded like trash” you muttered to yourself.

“Skerritt saw them as less than human” said Spencer, speaking to you for the first time since they arrived. “His mother led a similar kind of live as these girls - transient, she was a meth addict and her dealer was also her pimp. It left an impression.”

“Plenty of people have tough childhoods, it doesn’t mean they kill innocent people and leave them like this.” you said bitterly, kicking a stone so it skimmed across the dirt. Spencer didn’t respond.

“Can you drop me off at the station on the way to the ME’s office?” asked Agent Hotchner “I want to talk to Donnelly about some case details. You two can brief me on the autopsy report after.”

You nodded and took one last look at the barren land before heading back to the car.

You and Spencer drove in silence after you dropped Hotchner off. You weren’t angry with him. You weren’t even hurt by the fact that he hadn’t told you. You weren’t his girlfriend. 

What were you?

“I’m sorry” the silence was broken by Spencer’s whisper.

“What for?” you glanced at him, your expression softening.

“Running off last time, avoiding you” he took a deep breath “For not telling you about Emily.”

“You don’t owe me anything Spencer” you said tiredly “Not an explanation and especially not a justification for the way you grieve.” You felt his eyes on you and you couldn’t look at him, you didn’t want to know what he was thinking about you right at that moment.

“Thanks” Spencer said in a tone you couldn’t read. There was another long, awkward silence.

“When my father died I took off” you said carefully. Again you felt Spencer’s eyes on you. “Two weeks after his funeral I grabbed my stuff and just ran. Took a train out of town and just…. Donnelly went nuts. He wasn’t technically my guardian but my Aunt Ruth wasn’t the maternal type, she just came down to help because she wanted the house. Donnelly was half raising me but I didn’t see it that way. I was just so angry at everyone trying to get on with things.”

“Like they were forgetting” said Spencer. This time you did look at him, tears spilling down his face. He wiped them hurriedly, not meeting your eyes.

“Yeah, like they were forgetting”

* * *

 

The ME confirmed that Natalie Taylor’s injuries were identical to those of Skerritt’s victims though Natalie’s killer appeared to be stronger and left handed whereas Skerritt was right-handed. Your stomach turned as you looked down at her. Natalie was small and thin, she hadn’t eaten at least twenty four hours before she died and her stomach was smaller than it should have been. Her hair and nails were dull and brittle but it were her face that was going to haunt you. Could you even call it a face after the damage it had sustained? There were more cuts that the previous victims and he’d even slashed her shoulders and neck once he had finished with her face.

“So we’re looking for a copy cat who wants to out do Skerritt” said Spencer.

“Or” you stopped yourself suddenly.

“Or what?”

“It may sound stupid”

“Try me”

“Well these were working girls right? The marks are a message maybe? Was Skerritt involved with any other criminal groups that could be linked to prostitution?” you asked hesitantly.

“You think this was done by a pimp?” Spencer’s brow furrowed “The cuts are specific, could be a warning for those who know what it means”

“And the dumping? Leaving her on the side of the road like trash sends a pretty clear message.”

Spencer nodded. The two of you thanked the ME and headed back to the Sheriff’s station. It was dark by the time you got there and Donnelly and Hotchner were in deep conversation in Donnelly’s office. You relayed what the two of you had found out and floated both the copy cat theory and the organised crime theory. Donnelly took a deep breath and glanced at Hotchner.

“Organised crime seems more likely” said Donnelly looking back at you, and only you.

“How come?” you asked.

“Skerritt did some jobs for Frank Hudson Sr. back in the day” said Donnelly slowly “Drugs stuff mostly though Hudson also ran a prostitution ring.”

Your stomach dropped.

“Donnelly explained that the Hudson brothers, Frank’s sons, recently started an import and export business and its being watched but so far nothing has come of it” Hotchner said for Spencer’s benefit.

“Their names came up in the case of those uncovered bodies in 2004 when we were looking through the files right?” Spencer asked you.

“Yeah they were causing mischief back then but we’re kinda worried its something more now” you said.

_Oh god, oh god._

“Why didn’t the brothers take over when their father died” asked Hotchner ‘Why wait so long?”

“They fled the county after…” Donnelly said softly, staring down at his desk.

“After they shot my father” you said bluntly.

“We never proved-” you cut Donnelly off with a look.

“There was an ongoing investigation into Frank Sr. and some of the stuff he was involved in - drugs, weapons and trafficking. We could never get anything to stick but we felt like we were getting somewhere but Frank died in prison and there were rumbling that people weren’t happy with the new order and then…” Donnelly trailed off. He and your Dad had been close, like brothers and he was the only other person who you felt had grieved as deeply as you had.

“I’m so sorry, for both of you” said Agent Hotchner “The brothers took off after the murder and you had no evidence?”

“No” you said bitterly “There was nothing we could do, no matter how hard we tried.”

“But now we can!” said Donnelly, “They have to be linked to this. It isn’t a co-incidence right?”  
  
“There’s certainly a possibility” said Hotchner “The team can spare us a few days if you need a hand looking into it.”

“God yeah” said Donnelly without hesitation “I don’t think you guys will get a motel this late but I’ve a spare room and my wife makes the best lasagna you’ve ever tasted. I’m sure Y/N would be more than willing to give up her spare room to Dr Reid too.”

You suppressed a cringe as Spencer flushed red and Hotchner looked amused. Subtlety was not one of Donnelly’s strong suits. He hadn’t teased you the way Pam had but you knew for a fact he was aware of Spencer’s postcards and visits and he approved in a fatherly way. You had thought you were being careful and didn’t want Donnelly to get the completely wrong idea about the nature of yours and Spencer’s relationship.

* * *

 

“Can you just…” you felt so awkward asking. You had left the Sheriff’s station soon after the arrangements were made and a plan was set for the next few days. Neither you nor Spencer had spoken on the drive home - it had all just felt like too much. You wanted to cry but you’d used up all those tears long ago. You clambered inside the house, feeling like a weight was hanging round your neck.

“I can sleep on the couch, no need to make up the spare room” said Spencer quickly, completely misreading you.

“No” you said shyly “I just… you could you hold me for a bit?” You didn’t want or need either sex or space right then. You desperately needed to feel close to someone (honestly- to feel close to him specifically), to listen to their heartbeat sync with yours, the rhythm of their breathing and the touch of their skin.

“Oh, of course” said Spencer “I thought you…I mean, I don’t want you to think I’m only interested in, you know…and it’s been a long day and I didn’t want to take advantage but also…”

“It’s kind of a mood killer” you said with a hollow laugh “I think we both just need a friend right now.”

“Yeah, yeah we do” said Spencer and he finally wrapped his arms around you. The tension flooded out of your body and you could feel your knees start to give way. Somehow he half carried you to bed and helped you undress. You were so grateful for the contact and the reassurance that came with it.

“You moved your Dad in here” Spencer said, nodding to a picture on the shelf. Your father was in his Sheriff’s uniform looking proud with a grin on his face.

“I started reading your book to him” you admitted sleepily, patting the gift that still sat on the bedside table “I haven’t been sleeping well recently.”

“You don’t have any pictures of your Mom” said Spencer, climbing into bed next to you. You reached out to touch his face.

“She died a long, long time ago” you said thickly, “Never had any pictures of her.”

“Your Dad didn’t take any?” asked Spencer.

“They weren’t married” you explained “I was adopted when I was about three or four. Dad’s wife had died and he was heartbroken but they had always wanted children and he said we were meant to find each other and save each other.”

Spencer reached out and brushed the tears from your face. You hadn’t even realised you were crying. You buried your face in his chest and he stroked your hair.

“He sounds wonderful” whispered Spencer.

“He was the best person in the world” you said once the tears had stopped, “He didn’t deserve to die like that, in the street outside the station.”

_You had gone to meet him from work after school. He had promised to take you for pizza after his shift ended. You loved visiting the station, seeing all the hustle and bustle. Donnelly would even let you wear his badge sometimes and sit in his chair. It was your all time favourite place to be. Even when you got older and you tried to pretend you were too mature for that kind of stuff you went and saw your Dad at work as much as possible._

_Both of your had waved goodbye to everyone and made your way outside, having a playful argument about pizza toppings and the possibility of ice cream._

_Then the shots rang out._

_There were screams and Dad crumpled into a ball on the pavement. Blood was everywhere, you pressed down on his chest to stop the flow but it just oozed over your hands. You saw the exact moment the light went out of his eyes._

_You screamed. You sobbed and shouted and raged for what felt like hours until someone dragged you away._

“What stories do you read to him?” asked Spencer, stroking your hair.

“Gotterdammerung” you murmured.

“The Doom of the Gods” Spencer paused in his movements “Not to seem rude but that’s kind of an odd choice.”

“It’s a great story. It has everything, it’s the one I always made my Dad tell me” you said “It starts with three winters in a row. Wolves eat the sun and the moon and the stars disappear. Families turn against each other and the dead crawl out of their graves. There are earthquakes and the seas overflow because the snake that’s wrapped around the earth rises up and spits poison everywhere. The giants fight the gods and everyone dies then the earth sinks into the sea.”

“No offence but you should like kind of a ghoulish child if that was your favourite” said Spencer and you could hear the smile in his voice.

“You didn’t let me get to the most important part” you said, your eyes heavy.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. After everything is over the entire universe is destroyed but two people survive because they hid into the roots of a great tree”

“Okay but how could they-”

“Don’t overthink it” you chided “It’s a myth. So two humans survive and they sleep through the devastation and when they wake up the world is green and alive again. Some of the gods are reborn and everyone lives peacefully and there’s no evil. They get to do better next time.”

“That actually sounds nice” admitted Spencer. He resumed stroking your hair and you hummed in response. You felt his lips brush your forehead and wished you could stay like this forever.


	8. September 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get a break in your own personal investigation as the hunt for the killer of young women goes cold

The few days that Hotchner and Spencer stayed yielded nothing. You spent every night like that first night, reciting the stories from the book from memory as Spencer held you. It was almost enough to make you want to give up and run away. 

Almost. 

The second night Spencer woke just after midnight with a headache.You found him kneeling in your bathroom, forehead pressed to the cold tile floor.

“How long?” you asked, once he was back lying down in bed, a cloth full of ice pressed to his head.

“Just before JJ left” he mumbled thickly. 

“Have you seen a doctor?” you asked.

“I feel like I’ve seen every doctor” he snapped “Sorry, I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

“What do you need?”

“Tell me another one of those stories?”

“Of course”

You spoke softly and gently threaded your fingers through his hair to soothe him but it didn’t seem to help much and finally he brushed your hands away before rolling away from you. You left the story unfinished.

Hotchner and Spencer left when it became apparent that the investigation wasn’t going to lead anywhere. The Hudsons were at present operating a seemingly legitimate business and Skerritt wasn’t talking. Natalie was buried and the world carried on turning.

Spencer didn’t visit for a while and the phone calls and postcards were less frequent. When you asked how his head was doing he brushed it aside, he was looking into more possible causes. You dropped the subject in favour of more banal topics.

Something fundamental had changed and you couldn’t tell whether it was his health or whether it was the revelation about your father. You didn’t want to dwell on the possibilities there so you refocussed your attention on your mission.

You put in a couple of requests to talk to Skerritt but they were also refused so you looked into the other people he had been hanging around with back in the old days. Most of them were dead or in jail. You could justify applying to see Skerritt but seeing anyone else would bring too much attention. 

The only other lead you had was Tyler Samson, a former bookie who had shared a house with Skerritt back then. He was known for a having a bit of a hair trigger temper that had got him into trouble and number of times, most significantly eight years ago when he had gotten into a bar fight and lost spectacularly. He’d been injured so badly that he walked with a limp and needed to take a cocktail of drugs to control the pain. In addition Samson no longer had full use of his right arm and was also partially blind, he lived in his mother’s old house with his sister and her husband who by all accounts weren’t happy about the arrangement.

You figured Tyler Samson was your best bet to start off with  You staked his place out for a month straight until you had his routines memorised. He went to Sullivan’s bar every Wednesday for their pool tournament and then stumbled home around 1am after the barman had taken his keys. You waited in an alley across the street and at around 11.05 Samson stumbled out almost on cue. He swayed violently and paused, looking like he was going to throw up but shook it off and headed down the street. You pulled your scarf up around your face and yanked your hood up, making sure to keep to the shadows as you headed in the same direction as Samson.

He weaved from side to side on the pavement, whistling out of tune. As he turned a corner you darted across the road, now only a few feet behind him. He was blissfully unaware and once you’d rounded the corner and you were completely unseen, you darted forward and jammed the needle into his neck. Samson crumpled to the ground with a slight hiccup. You dragged him to where  you’d hidden the car and hoisted him in the back seat.

You weren’t going to kill him, you had decided that from the get go. Firstly, he had never been involved in Hudson’s organisation and those that were, were your main targets and the day you started deviating from that strict criteria was the day this stopped being a mission. Secondly, he was a sick, old man. You may have been a monster but you were a proud one.

* * *

“Huh?” Samson grunted as he came to. He tried to move but you had bound his wrists and ankles. Yes he was a sick old man but you weren’t stupid. You had a mask on and your hood pulled down.

“I’m not going to kill you” you said, your voice deeper than usual.

“Fuck you”

“I just want information then you can go home”

“I said fu-”

“Skerritt”

At the mention of Skerritt’s name Samson lost all his cockiness. His eyes were wide with fear.

“Listen pal” Samson said, trembling “I haven’t seen the fucker in years, I don’t know-”

You pulled your gun out.

“Fuck! I swear to god. I haven’t seen him in years okay?”

“Seriously? You’re going with that?” You raised the gun.

“You said you weren’t going to hurt me!” Samson shrieked.

“I said I wasn’t going to kill you” you explained “Don’t sweat, I’ll shoot you in your bad leg”

“Fuck. Fine! I saw him before they picked him up for those girls! Is that what you wanna hear?” Samson screeched. 

“Did you know he was killing those girls?’ you asked, your blood suddenly running cold.

“No, oh god no” whimpered Samson “He said he had a new job that was it, but his bosses were real bastards. He wanted out but he was sending the money to his Ma. He was scared of something.”

“Was it the Hudsons?’ you asked.

“He didn’t say but I guess so. Those fuckers were into really dark stuff. Skerritt came by high as a fucking kite one night and said someone was going to kill him but maybe that was better than going to jail and whichever way it went he deserved it.”

“Deserved it?”

“Yeah deserved whatever was coming to him” said Samson eying the gun “I asked why and he wouldn’t tell me. Said it was too terrible and then next thing I hear he’s killed a bunch of hookers.”

“Likely on the Hudsons orders” you said, more to yourself than Samson.

“Please don’t hurt me” Samson cried.

“I’m not but I am going to knock you out” you said. Before Samson could protest the needle was in his neck. You cut the bonds and got ready to drag him out of the abandoned building and back into the car. 

You heard the sound of tires outside and every muscle in your body tensed up.

_No, no, no!_

There shouldn’t be anyone here. 

You crept to the window and and spied a figure get out of a Sheriff’s department car. Squinting you could make out Deputy Raine in the driver’s seat. He was all alone and you know that no one from the department was scheduled to be anywhere near here tonight. Hence why you’d chosen it. Raine got out of the car, checking around him. Your eyes narrowed. Was he afraid of being followed?

_What are you up to?_

Raine was making his way towards the building you were in and your heart started to pound. You glanced back at Samson, still slumped on the plastic sheeting you were going to use to drag him to the car. Thankfully it was round the back where Raine couldn’t see it so you had a chance to slip away.

The reckless part of you wanted to see what he would do though, to work out why he was here. You had never really liked Raine. He was arrogant and had no concept of personal boundaries and Donnelly had never paired the two of you up for any reason so you didn’t really know hime well beyond that. 

Raine lumbered forward and you ducked out of sight, crawling towards Samson. You heard Raine try the door as you slowly and quietly made your way to the back room. Thank god Samson was so light, it made it easier. Raine was banging against the door now, trying to get it to open and you heard the old rusted lock give way. Re-adjusting your mask and hood you let the sheeting go and crept towards the doorway. Raine was inside, creeping along the front wall and picking his way around the broken furniture. It was almost laughable how quiet he was trying to be given how loud he was breaking in.

The sound of the blood in your head was deafening and you struggled to remain calm. Raine was getting closer now and you forced yourself to be as still as possible, your hand gripping the gun. You couldn’t shoot him, firstly a dead deputy would bring unwanted attention and secondly you needed to figure out why he was here. Adding to that Raine was armed and there was a chance that this was it for you. 

Raine moved past the doorway and you took the opportunity to step out of the shadows and slam your elbow between Raine’s shoulder blades so the gun flew out of his hands and he fell to his knees with a crack. You kicked the gun out of the way but were completely unprepared for Raine to aim a swift kick at your ribs, sending you stumbling backwards. 

You coughed and spluttered as as Raine scrambled for the gun. He didn’t make it far as you lumbered forward as brought the gun down on the bridge of his nose. A second blow to the side of the head knocked him unconscious and you stood there breathing heavily. 

A buzzing noise came from Raine’s pocket and you knelt down gingerly. After a moment’s hesitation you pulled the phone from his pocket and saw that the number was withheld. You answered and her the phone to your ear, saying nothing.

“Well?” a man’s voice came. Again you said nothing and just listened to the heavy breathing on the other end of the line before it went dead. You swore under your breath. You leaned down turn Raine onto his side so he wouldn’t choke on any of the blood pouring down his nose and headed out to the backroom to deal with Samson.

He was still out of it so you bundled him into the car and drove to the edge of town. He seemed confused when he struggled awake and saw you in the front seat, twisted around and holding a gun pointed straight at him.

“Here is what’s going to happen” you said calmly “I’m going to get out of this car and then you are going to drive out of town as far and as fast as you can okay?”

“What?”

“Someone was watching you” you explained “That’s the only way they could have known that I’d taken you and then they sent someone to follow us. My guess is that they won’t be pleased that we’ve spoken. You need to disappear for a while.” Samson went pale.

“You’re-you’re not going to kill me?”

“No, I’m not going to kill you” you sighed “The car is untraceable and there is a little bit of money in the glove box. Just get out of here.”

“Why?”

You shrugged. Honestly you had no idea. You slipped out of the car without another word and headed back into town. You heard the engine start up behind you but you didn’t look back. Samson would be okay. Guys like that were always okay. Raine was bothering you. You couldn’t be sure he was on the take but the timing seemed to suggest so and of all the people who wouldn’t want you talking to Samson the Hudson brothers were at the top of the list. You had an uneasy feeling that you were heading towards open warfare with them and you were woefully unprepared for that. 

_Do they know its me coming after them?_

You pushed the thought from your mind and carried on walking home, there wasn’t much you could do about it. It took about an hour and half for you get home, slipping in the back way so none of your neighbours would see if they happened to still be awake.

You undressed and to your horror your torso was covered in a large, boot-shaped bruise. You pressed it and immediately regretted it, a surge of bile creeping up your throat. It was uncomfortable to breathe and you has a sneaking suspicion that Raine had cracked one of your ribs. That would be difficult to hide at work but not as difficult as Raine’s broken nose. You couldn’t help grinning at that.

You finished undressing and grabbed a handful of painkillers and washed them down with some cheap whiskey you dug out of the cupboard. As your eyes grew heavy you glanced first at the photo of your father still on the shelf and the book by your bedside table, a strange, hollow feeling in your chest.

* * *

“Long night?” asked Pam sympathetically when you got into the station next morning.

“I think I might be coming down with something” you said, hoping that would placate her.

“It’s the season for that kind of thing” said Pam “You still look miles better than Raine though.”

You tried to look surprised but not too interested.

“What’s up with him?” you asked. Pam leaned forward, a look of glee on her face.

“Apparently the fearless deputy has taken up boxing in his spare time” Pam said “It doesn’t look like he’s taken to it very well.”

As if on cue Raine and Donnelly strode out of Donnelly’s office. Your mouth dropped open. Apparently you had hit him harder that you first thought. His entire face was puffy and his nose had been plastered. The surrounding skin was various shades of green, yellow and purple and his eyes were blood shot.

He scowled at both you and Pam as he stormed past the desk and out of the station.

“Not going to lie” said Donnelly as he stopped beside you, his voice dropping to a low whisper, “I would have paid good money to see that fight.”

“Me too” Pam snorted. You forced a weak laugh. Donnelly smirked at the two of you before heading back to his office.

The rest of the day was taken up with paperwork though it was slow going. You kept replaying the events of the previous night in your head and trying to get them straight. You found yourself glancing up at Raine periodically on his return.

“Why didn’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer” he snarled before skulking off to the break room to work. At least he didn’t suspect you of anything worse than pricking his injured pride but you felt so uneasy. You desperately wanted to call Spencer, just to hear something comforting but you couldn’t explain the situation to him and you hadn’t heard from him in a little while. The last postcard had been from Florida, a big case where dozens of bodies had been unearthed. You knew he was still reeling from Emily and you also guessed the headaches were still plaguing him. Did the team know? Was anyone helping him? When your lunch break rolled around you tried calling him but it went straight to voicemail. You tried to ignore the tightness in your throat and chest. 

When you got home you laid with ice packs over your broken rib and took more painkillers. There wasn’t really much more you could do. There was nothing on TV and you were most comfortable lying on your back. It was too early for sleep so you tried Spencer again.

“Hello?”

“Hey it’s me” you said softly.

“Sorry I saw you called earlier and I meant to call you back it’s just things have been…” Spencer trailed off.

“You okay?” you asked nervously. Was it a headache? You couldn’t ask that, he would get mad and end the phonically and now you were speaking to him you realised how desperate you had been to hear his voice. There was along pause. You winced as you shifted position and readjusted the ice pack.

“Emily’s back”

“I’m sorry?” you answered, thinking you had misheard. 

“Emily’s alive” said Spencer “Turns out that my boss and my best friend have been lying to our faces for months on end and Emily has been in Paris this entire time.”

You didn’t say anything. What the hell were you supposed to say? You closed your eyes and swallowed. Spencer might be the only person on the planet who lived a crazier life than you did.

“I’m so sorry. You must be furious”

“Damn right I’m furious” spat Spencer “I spent weeks going to JJ’s house crying over a dead friend and she just let me! How the hell am I supposed to trust her after this?”

You swallowed again. If you had been in Spencer’s position would you have felt the same?  _You’ve never been close enough to anyone to cry over their death_ , said a small, hissing voice at the back of your mind,  _and you don’t have anyone to cry to about anything_. You felt sick. 

“I don’t know” you admitted “What did she and Hotchner say about why they did it?”

“That they didn’t have any other choice. Doyle was after Emily and he was going to kill her and this was the only way to keep her safe” snapped Spencer.

That was actually sound logic, if a little on the dramatic side.

“Doesn’t explain why they kept it from you” you mumbled.

“Exactly” said Spencer. Neither of you said anything for a moment.

“It must have been hard for them though” you added in a small voice. Spencer humphed. You bit your lip knowing the answer to the next question before you even asked it. 

“Do you want to come down for a few days?”

You could explain away the bruise on your torso somehow but you really needed to see him, to feel him and you thought that maybe he would need that from you too. Your gut was telling you differently however.

“No I don’t think I can leave right now” said Spencer in a small voice. You moved the phone away and swallowed a small sob.

“That’s cool. It’s just if you needed a break” you replied casually

There was a long silence and the Spencer spoke.

“This…this isn’t really working anymore is it?”

_Oh God_

“I guess it’s run it’s course” you said, amazed by how calm you sounded.

“I-thanks” said Spencer.

“For what?”

“For always listening” said Spencer.

“Well you could still call from time to time if you needed to” you said, knowing full well he wouldn’t.

“Yeah, you too”

“Well” you said “I hope it gets better. Bye”

You hung up without waiting for a reply, throwing the phone down.

You wanted to be angry but all you could feel was a cold, creeping sadness. You wanted to cry but the heaving of your chest made your ribs hurt. It had been petty to end the call like that, Spencer had plenty to be angry and upset about. 

But then so did you. You had called him for god’s sake and he hadn’t thought to ask how you were. Every time you had expressed concern over him he had pushed you away. Why had you even bothered when he clearly wasn’t interested in your help?

Because you were in love with him.

It wasn’t some grand revelation, instead it was the dull acceptance of something you had secretly realised long ago. You waited for the tears to fall but nothing came.


	9. January 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader suffers a devastating loss and a member of the BAU supports her

You stood staring in the mirror trying to work out who the woman was in front of  you. The hospital gown was far too big for you and swamped you like a shroud. The eyes looked dead, the skin drawn and you felt like you were looking at a ghost rather than a person. You wanted to cry or scream or smash the mirror into shards and then crush the shards into dust but you couldn’t move. 

“Deputy?” a soft, yet strong voice cut across the white noise in your head “Deputy? How are you doing?”

“I’m fine” your voice sounded like it was coming out of someone else’s mouth. “I wasn’t hit…”

“You were standing next to him, you’re clearly in shock.”

You spun suddenly and faced Agent Hotchner, no - Hotch. He told you to call him Hotch.

“Where is he? I have to see him! He shouldn’t be alone!” you started forward and swayed violently. Hotch caught you before you fell.

“He’s fine. They’re taking care of him” the agent said softly.

“He shouldn’t be alone” you whimpered “You know he hates hospitals and a big  fuss being made, he won’t want people making a big deal but he doesn’t do well on his own.”

“I know” said Hotch “I know. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

You looked at him and let out a strangled sob before collapsing into his arms, howling.

* * *

_It had been a long day. They were all long days at the moment and longer nights. Hunting had been suspended since you had gotten Samson out of town. Donnelly had pulled surveillance on the Hudsons as the expense could no longer be justified and you could feel an air of frustration building in the station._

_“Hey” you paused by Donnelly’s open door.  
_

_“Hey” he sighed back. You took this as an invitation to step inside.  
_

_“We haven’t had a chance to talk for a while” you said “I just wanted to check in.” You wanted to know what was going on, any investigations you might not be aware of but you also wanted to know if he was okay.  
_

_“Five more years and I can retire” said Donnelly “I’m gonna buy a cabin and just fish all day everyday until I die.”  
_

_“That sounds…dull” you said and the two of you laughed.  
_

_“After all this time dull sounds nice”  
_

_“You and Dad took me fishing once remember?” you said, wistfully.  
_

_“You hated it” grinned Donnelly “It rained all day and we didn’t catch any fish”  
_

_“You both loved it though” you said “Dad always loved going fishing with you”  
_

_“Yeah I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately’ sighed Donnelly “I can’t help but feel I didn’t do right by him”  
_

_“You were the best friend he had.”  
_

_“Never caught the bastards that killed him though.”  
_

_You opened your mouth then closed it again. You trusted Donnelly with your life but you didn’t trust him with your freedom, not when you’d done the things you had._

_“How about a pizza like old times?” he asked softly “One for your old man?”  
_

_“I’d like that” you said with a grin. After the past few months you could do with a reason to smile.  
_

_When you stepped outside there was a slight bite in the air and you were glad for your thick Sheriff’s jacket. Donnelly was explaining the difference between two different types of lure so you didn’t really register the car screeching towards you._

_You heard the gunshots though and you felt the hot spray of blood across your face. Donnelly looked at you in shock, the entire world freezing in place for a nanosecond before he crumpled to the ground._

_There was screaming, Pam you thought, and the tires as the car sped off. You should have looked, tried to see if you could make out a number plate but instead you collapsed onto the ground and frantically tried to stem the bleeding._

_Not again, please not again. I can’t lose anyone again._

_Donnelly tried to speak but just coughed and spluttered blood._

_“It’s okay. Don’t talk. You’re gonna be fine. Scout’s honour.” you promised “Just save your strength.”  
_

_Other officers had run out and one had called an ambulance while some others had set up a perimeter. Outside the station was a commotion of blue flashing lights and people running around. It was a blur, all you could focus on was Donnelly in front of you, trying to speak._

_“S-sorry” he choked out._

_“What?”  
_

_He was gone._

* * *

“I didn’t note the licence plate or the type of car or anything. He’s going to get away with it and it’s all my fault”

Hotch had been sitting at your bedside for roughly three hours. He had turned up while you were still at the station, refusing to leave. You couldn’t quite recall the details of it all. He had just appeared and ridden in the ambulance with you. No one else from his team was there and you couldn’t decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. He had held your hand and told you to call him Hotch and he was going to make sure that Donnelly’s investigation would go ahead and-

_Wait what?_

“It’s not your fault, your priority was to help Donnelly. You did everything you could”

“He said he was sorry but I don’t know what for. What did you mean about Donnelly’s investigation?”

“He felt that your father’s death and the dead women in Brixton County may be more closely connected than just having the Hudson brothers as prime suspects.”

Hotch’s words hung in the air. You brought your knees up under your chin and screwed your eyes shut, hoping it would stop the tears.

“Donnelly explained about your mother and how something similar might be happening here.”

“That was just Frank Sr. The brothers were too young to have been that closely involved.” you said thickly.

“I know, Donnelly sent the files to me. There’s no proof, there’s nothing beyond a theory but it’s a compelling one and I’ve been helping him off the books.”

You opened your eyes in surprise.

“I’ve come down a few times on my own. Donnelly let me use his cabin and we worked from there.”

“On what?” your brain felt thick like soup and nothing was making sense. Why hadn’t Donnelly told you? As if he could read your thoughts Hotch moved to sit in the seat by your bed.

“He’s been working on the case off and on since your father died. As I understand you were young at the time, still in school and I think he thought that it would be too much for you while you were grieving”

“And after that?’ you asked, your voice coming out as a sob “I could have helped, I could-”

You could have avoided turning into a monster. You could have worked with Donnelly instead going out night after night on your own, finding terrible people and making them pay.

“He struggling with gathering enough evidence. I don’t think he wanted to get your hopes up” said Hotch softly.

Your mind was struggling to make sense of everything. How could all of this been happening without you knowing? You saw Donnelly everyday and he had never once spoken to you about this…and now he never would. You felt sick at the thought.

“I’ll take you home once the doctor discharges you okay?” Hotch said “I’ll be in town for a few days, we can have a proper talk later.” You nodded meekly.

“What am I supposed to do without him?” you asked, to no one in particular. Hotch didn’t respond.

* * *

It seemed like hours before the doctor gave you the all clear. You allowed yourself to be guided outside the black SUV and you said little as Hotch drove you home, only speaking to give him directions.

You offered him coffee when you were inside but he refused, instead he sat down and went over everything he had told you in the hospital once again. The shock had subsided a little. You understood why Donnelly hadn’t told you, he would have wanted to keep you safe, he didn’t know you were the one that people needed to be kept safe from.

“Donnelly thought that the women in Brixton County could have been coerced into working for the Hudson brothers” explained Hotch “Which makes sense, that’s how they operated, it stands to reason then that Skerritt was working for them too, keeping the girls in line. We know Jimmy was pushing drugs here in town, probably for the Hudsons too. Both men have ended up taking the fall with no ties to the Hudson brothers.”

“Sounds like a weak case when you put it like that” you said. It did make sense though, Samson had told you as much about what Skerritt was doing. If the girls worked for the Hudson then they would be considered disposable, human garbage to be slashed up and dumped when they stepped out of line. You kept your face impassive as Hotch continued.

“Honestly, when Donnelly first laid it out for me I thought it was nonsense, a lot of circumstantial evidence to back up a personal bias. I don’t mean to be offensive, I know what you and your family went through and I know Donnelly spent years when Frank Hudson Sr. was at large dealing with the consequences of the gang violence in this town. Nevertheless I thought this had narrowed his focus.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“It all started adding up and it fits the psychological profile of the Hudson brothers, Jimmy and Skerritt. We still can’t prove anything though, the Hudsons have been out of town on business for a few weeks so they have an alibi for Donnelly’s murder.”

“They are impossible to link to anything” You said shaking your head “They’re untouchable.”

“Donnelly didn’t think so”

“And now Donnelly’s dead” you retorted.

“I’m sorry” said Hotch “For everything.”

“I don’t know what to do” You said, tearing up. That wasn’t true, you knew what you needed to be done but in your present state you couldn’t think straight enough to do it without getting yourself killed in the process. 

“I know” said Hotch softly “Most of his estate is going to a sister in Charleston but did you know Donnelly left his cabin to you?” Your head snapped up, eyes wide with shock.

“What? Why?”

“You were like a daughter to him” said Hotch, “If anyone was going to continue what he started it would be you. I would caution against doing anything rash however. I don’t need to tell you these men are very dangerous.”

“I…I don’t know what to say” you said, truthfully.

“You don’t have to make any decisions now” said Hotch “Or even soon. Donnelly wouldn’t want you to get yourself killed being a one woman army against the Hudson brothers.”

If you weren’t so devastated you would have laughed at that.

“I’m going to stay around for a few days and help with the investigation. Anything you need call me, okay?”

You nodded mutely and once he had finished his coffee you showed him out before heading back into your bedroom and collapsing in another fit of tears. It was hours before you had exhausted yourself enough to sleep.

* * *

Hotch ended up staying a week, periodically checking in with the BAU who had stayed in Quantico.

“Do they know why you’re not there?” You asked his last day there. You had decided to meet at Annie’s Diner for lunch.

“You mean does Reid know I’m here and what happened?”

You didn’t respond, instead picking at the burger in front of you. You suddenly had no appetite.

“I’m sorry that was out of line” said Hotch, “It’s none of my business. I told them I’m here and that it’s the death of a friend. I’m not here in a professional capacity, it’s why I came alone. Agents Morgan and Jareau remember you from the previous case, they send their regards. As for Reid…”

“You don’t have to explain” you said with a small shrug “It was very casual between us, he was a friend.”

Hotch raised an eyebrow. You couldn’t help but chuckle. That was probably way more than he needed to know. From what Spencer had told you his team looked at him a certain way, the collective kid brother of the team. He was there to be fussed and worried over, definitely not pictured with his cross-country fuck buddy. 

“Is he doing okay?” you asked, wondering about the headaches. Hotch hesitated and for a moment you were concerned, your stomach tightening as you imagined the worst.

“He’s doing well…really well actually?” said Hotch in a sheepish way.

You frowned, confused as to why Hotch would be hesitant to share that. Then it clicked and you felt a pang in your chest. You told yourself you were being ridiculous and hoped that your face didn’t show how you really felt.

“Good for him” you smiled “Is she nice?”

“I have no idea. No one does, we’re not even sure if there is a she but the whole team suspects so” said Hotch, looking a little more relaxed.

“No keeping secrets from the BAU” you laughed “I’m glad he’s happy but if she hurts him she’s going to have to deal with me.”

“That’s a long line there” said Hotch with a grin.

“I should let you get back home” you said, rising “Thank you for everything you’ve done”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t enough” said Hotch, the smile slipping “You ever need anything, please call me okay? No matter how small.”

“I will” you said, your throat suddenly feeling tight. 

You said goodbye again before hurrying back home. It was still cold out, the trees were bare and there was supposed to be snow on the way. Normally you disliked winter because of the cold but also because it always made your night work more difficult.

For the past week, however, you had been numb. You knew you were still in shock and in no fit state to deal with the Hudson brothers. You would be though.

Oh God would you ever.

If it was the last thing on earth you did you would make them pay for what they did, not only to Donnelly but to your parents, all those girls and every single person who they had hurt. You were going to bide your time, you were good at being patient. No matter how badly you wanted to march over to their warehouse and put a bullet in each of their smug faces you wouldn’t. You would wait until you were stronger, until you had them right where you wanted them.

Nothing else mattered now. The last family you had left was gone, Spencer was happy, you were alone and every waking moment was going to be dedicated to your mission from now on.


	10. February 2014a

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader struggles to overcome her loss but she can't outrun what's chasing her.

It took you a long time after Donnelly’s death to get back to normal. Deputy Maxwell was made acting Sheriff. You were pleased, he was good man, close in age to Donnelly and had distinguished himself in the diner shooting case in 2006. He had been wounded but not badly enough to take him off the job and all in all he was an honest man. You weren’t as close as you had been with Donnelly but Maxwell had known your father. He advised you to take a few weeks off following Donnelly’s death and you agreed, hoping you could curl up in bed and shut the world out so you could deal with your grief alone.

The world had other plans. Firstly, Pam came by everyday with care packages and homemade meals and secondly Hotch rang you once a week to check up on you. You fought them both at first but it was just enough contact and just enough space to keep you from going mad. 

It may have just saved your life.

It was a rocky road back to some semblance of normality. When you could face it you took a trip up to the cabin and reviewed all of Donnelly’s notes on the Hudsons. It turned out there was a lot of stuff he had kept hidden and you could tell from his notes that he hadn’t even told Agent Hotchner and for that you would be eternally gratefully. With a growing sense of something that wasn’t quite horror, you realised the Donnelly must have at least suspected there was a vigilante in town. He had notebooks filled with theories from when your first victims had been discovered, names of associates of the Hudson brothers you had dealt with and even some stuff about Tyler Samson.

The revelation sent you into something of a tailspin and for days you holed yourself up in the cabin, unable to eat or sleep. 

When you got back to work everyone could tell something was wrong. They put it down to grief and you were signed off of work with depression despite your protests.

“Donnelly wouldn’t want you making yourself unwell” said Maxwell gruffly “Get better and then you can come back.”

All in all it was six months after Donnelly’s death that you came back to work properly. You felt healed, like you had been broken down and rebuilt. You pushed aside the nagging voice that said that wasn’t what healing was supposed to feel like and you made yourself a promise that bringing down the Hudson’s would be your singular goal in life, there would be no distractions. In addition to that you were going to convince everyone you were the model Deputy, completely beyond reproach and above suspicion. 

Maxwell was officially made Sheriff much to Raine’s disgust, he had been gunning for the job but was turned down due to lack of experience and the fact that everyone thought he was an asshole. No one was more pleased that you and once you were back at work you kept a special eye on him, you knew he was on his final warning regarding his behaviour but you were more interested in his possible connection to the Hudsons. You still didn’t know why he had turned up when you had been dealing with Tyler Samson.

For the next 18 months your life fit a comfortable routine: working semi-regular hours, socialising with the other deputies and Pam just enough to keep them where you wanted them but also making sure you had the time and space to map out the Hudson’s network, what people they were using and where they were based. You tried to pair up with Raine as much as possible at work which was easy since you were the only person willing to put up with him. You convinced Maxwell it was because you thought it was what Donnelly would have wanted you to do.

On a crisp morning at the tail end of winter the two of you got a call that someone had called in a body in the wastelands outside of town. Evidently she had been half buried when some kids skipping school had stumbled across her.

When you saw her your heart sank and you called Maxwell who told you to call the BAU since you had worked so closely with them.

* * *

“You have reached the temple of Quantico’s sacred seer of all things supposedly unseeable, bask in my magnificence.”

Spencer had told you about Penelope Garcia. In detail. It still didn’t measure up to the woman herself. You just wished you had been able to ‘meet’ her under better circumstances.

“This is Deputy Y/N” you said slowly “I need to get in contact with Agent Hotchner about a case you helped on a while back. You act as the liaison for the team right?”

“Oh Deputy y/n, I didn’t realise you…I don’t usually talk like….so your…with Hotch’s friend…I - oh my God…I’m so….I’ll connect you right now…”

The conversation with Hotch was a short one. The team would be there within a day and the scene needed to be kept as undisturbed as possible before they arrive. You promised him you would inform the crime scene techs and hung up.

 _Fuck! Fucking the fucking FBI and their fucking BAU!_ You were starting to get a headache and something told you things were only going to get worse.

You had no idea how much worse.

* * *

“A second body?” asked Maxwell incredulously.

“Underneath the first” you nodded “Crime scene techs were carrying out a preliminary examination and noticed something odd. All they can tell is there is a second body underneath, no idea who but they think it’s been there longer than the girl. I sent the new info to the BAU’s tech wiz.”

“Speaking off, they’re here” said Pam, sticking her head round the door of Maxwell’s office. Maxwell headed out to greet them and as you went to follow Pam grabbed your arm.

“Hey” she said softly “You show that jumped up little G-Man that you did much better without him okay. Screw the little weasel.”

Could someone die of embarrassment? It felt like that was a distinct possibility. Your face was burning and Pam squeezed your arm.

“He was the postcards right?” she asked, her voice so soft it sent a pang through your chest “Donnelly…please don’t be mad…he was just happy for you.”

You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat though you weren’t sure if it was Spencer or Donnelly that caused it.

“It was a casual thing, I’m fine, Scout’s honour. It was no big deal” you said. Pam looked unconvinced but let you go. You took a deep breath and headed out to the bullpen where Maxwell was shaking Hotch’s hand. Raine leaned against the door, glaring at them.

“And you remember Deputy y/n?” Maxwell gestured at you as you approached. You fixated on Hotch, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Reid. 

“One of these days Agent you’re going to come to town under good circumstances rather than something like this” you said, gripping his hand. He gave one of his tight smiles.

“There’s been changes since we were last here. You remember Agents Reid and Morgan, but may I introduce SSA David Rossi and Dr Alex Blake?”

You shook the older man’s hand and then the woman’s where you got the distinct impression you were being given the once over, a feeling that was exacerbated when she glanced over at Spencer once you’d said your hellos. 

“Agent Jareau is taking a leave of absence at the moment so we’re a man down” Hotch explained “Anymore on the newest bodies?”

“The girl is a sex worker from Brixton County called Destiny, she had ID on her.” you explained “Her real name was Angela Carpetti, her mother is making her way down, should be here in the next few hours. Her face was slashed up like the girls killed by Skerritt. Crime scene are working on taking her to the morgue so we can see who’s underneath.”

“Great Reid can you meet them there? Deputy can you show me and Blake the crime scene? Maxwell do you mind if Agent Morgan assists with interviewing Angela’s mother?”

“That would be helpful actually” said Maxwell, “Not a part of the job I excel at. We also spoke to Skerritt’s lawyer, see if we could interview him about the new body. She’s going to try and convince him. Seems to think there’s a deal in the making.”

With everyone’s roles decided they began to disperse, as you headed out of the station you caught Spencer moving towards you out of the corner of your eye and strode past him as he went to open his mouth to say something.

The drive to the crime scene was virtually silent save for Hotch filling in Blake on the details of the previous cases. When you pulled up the place was swarming with crime scene techs crowded around a hole in the ground. Angela’s body had been removed and taken to the morgue so you could see who was underneath. You blood seemed to freeze in your veins

It was Tyler Samson. 

You kept your face blank as Hotch leaned down to examine him and the head CSI speculated on age, cause of death and among of time buried. Your mind was racing - when had he come back and why? Most importantly who killed him.

“He was shot three times in the chest” said Hotch “It looks like his jaw is broken too”

“Yeah it is” said the CSI “There’s cuts at the corner of his mouth, I think someone tried to take his teeth out but gave up. ME could tell you more.”

“I need to see his hands” said Hotch suddenly and you realised with horror what he was getting at.

“They look burnt” said Blake, cocking her head to one side.

“Like the bodies ten years ago” said Hotch.

“Ten years ago?” asked Blake “So there’s a similar case like this body but not the girls?”

“It was two separate cases. They were completely unrelated. This is the first time a girl with a carved face was found fully in town. The last one was actually on the boundary of the two counties. The first time we came here was when the bodies of three men were found with their jaws broken and their faces and hands burnt with chemicals” said Hotch

“So different MO, different victimology. Were those men ever linked with Skerritt?” asked Blake.

“They were never identified” you said “After the case went cold they were buried in pauper’s graves.” You knew who they were but none of their relatives or friends had ever reported them missing, even when a local newspaper had run the story and asked people to come forward if they suspected a loved one may be among the dead. You were safe, you had thought you were safe.

“So we have two serial killers. Possibly three if Skerritt was the original killer and this is a copy cat” said Blake. Your head was starting to spin.

“No” said Hotch and both you and Blake stared at him, “I need to call Reid” he muttered and went a short distance away, leaving you standing awkwardly with Blake. 

You glanced at the woman next to you and were met with another analytical look that made you squirm. Spencer had mentioned her a few times, he had proudly guest lectured on a course she taught and at the time you had thought it was nice he had a more traditional mother figure. Now however, all you wanted was to get away where she couldn’t see you. 

What the hell had Spencer told her about you?

“What are the chances of having two seemingly dormant serial killers starting up again in the same area at the same time?” you asked finally to ease some of the tension. Blake raised an eyebrow.

“Astronomical” she said after moment’s consideration “Spencer would be able to give you a more accurate answer.”

“He would. I guess he’s got more important stuff to think about at the moment though” you said, meaning the morgue. Blake fixed you with a look that you couldn’t read, like sadness, anger and guilt all rolled into one.

“With the body…” you clarified and suddenly the look was gone, leaving Blake looking slightly paler than before.

“Yes, of course. Plus he’s had a lot on his mind the past year, what with…everything.”

“His headaches are back?” you asked worriedly. Before Blake could respond Hotch was back.

“I had Reid and the ME pull the case files from 2004 and they are going to see if there is any forensic evidence linking them to Skerritt’s victims as well as comparing the bullets to this body once we get him to the morgue. We need to go right back to the start. Y/N, I know this is a lot to ask but would you be willing to go through Donnelly’s files? The ones he kept separately. There’s a chance he could have known more than he shared.”

You swallowed, suddenly feeling lightheaded. Hotch laid a hand on your shoulder.

“I know this is painful. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to constantly have this stirred up but i think there may be something larger at play here and Donnelly’s work may be the key” he said softly. You could feel Blake’s eyes flicking between the two of you.

“I don’t want strangers touching his things” you said quickly. It seemed like a reasonable enough thing for a grieving person to say and you were hoping that it would give you the opportunity to separate the stuff you didn’t want anyone else to see. Hotch nodded, giving your shoulder a squeeze.

“I understand” he said “You would take the lead, plus you knew him best, you might spot something we wouldn’t.”

“Okay I can do that” you said, after taking a deep breath. You wanted him to think you were making a huge concession “I kept the cabin as it was. Truth is I don’t go there much.” 

“Thank you” said Hotch, removing his hand “We’ll meet you back at the station in a couple of hours?” You nodded, heading back to your car. Hotch and Blake were going to hitch a ride with the ME when he came to pick up the body.

As you slid into the car you realised you had begun to shake and no matter how many deep breaths you took you couldn’t steady yourself. You were keenly aware that today could be your last day of freedom.


	11. February 2014b

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader and Spencer finally talk but it doesn't go as planned. Hotch is on hand to provide some wisdom.

You thanked God for your foresight as you boxed up the files that you were willing to share with the FBI. You hadn’t been lying when you told Hotch that you didn’t visit the cabin much, what you had failed to mention was that the few times you had been there had been dedicated to reviewing Donnelly’s research and painstakingly cross-referencing everything with your own work. Then you had taken everything that was even fractionally incriminating for you and had burnt it.

You had felt guilty at the time, unable to leave the cabin for two days before sloping back home feeling like absolute scum. Now, pulling up to the Sheriff’s station, you felt that feeling slowly return. You took a minute to psych yourself up before you went inside the station though you couldn’t help pausing by the remembrance wall in the foyer, Donnelly and your father staring down at you. Your stomach clenched and for a moment you couldn’t move. 

“Need a hand?” Spencer’s voice broke through to you. You spun around, eyes wide, “The boxes?”

* * *

 

“Oh yeah, here you go. There’s more in the car.” You said, dumping the boxes in his arms before hurrying back outside, avoiding eye contact.

“I’ll help you with the rest” said Pam, striding after you. You saw her give Spencer a pointed look out of the corner of your eye and your face felt hot, “No big deal huh?” she said once you were outside.

“Please Pam, not today” You said, your voice cracking.

“Oh honey!” Pam’s face softened “Honey, come here!”

Pam pulled you into a tight embrace. You felt like everything was coming apart at the seams and it seemed like whenever you felt like that, the fucking FBI was around. You had kept everything under control perfectly the past eighteen months. You were back on track, you had the Hudson’s in your sights and it had all gone to shit in 24 hours.

Glancing up you could see Spencer still in the foyer, looking at the two of you in concern.

“I wish Donnelly was here” you sniffed, pulling out of the embrace.

“Me too honey” said Pam, her eyes watery “But he wouldn’t want us bawling our eyes out in the parking lot, not when there’s work to do so hand me those boxes and let’s get to it!”

* * *

 

“Donnelly was not the most organised of people” you said, arranging the papers into rough piles “At the station he had Pam and the deputies but this was all him.”

“This is extensive” said Morgan, sounding impressed “This was all on his own time? He was dedicated.”

“No one in the station worked harder” you said, a note of pride creeping into your voice. At the other end of the boardroom table Raine scoffed, earning glances from everyone else. Maxwell in particular looked like he wanted to take his head off.

“There’s a lot to go through here” you said, regaining everyone’s attention “it’s going to take hours.”

“Tonight we’ll just focus on establishing what we have” said Hotch “The cold case files should be here tomorrow and we’ll know if we can get in to see Skerritt.”

“I’ll see if the diner wouldn’t mind delivering and I’ll put on the coffee” said Pam “That should do us for a couple of hours”

Everyone worked non-stop until about midnight. Donnelly’s investigation was clearly focussed on the Hudsons. He hadn’t managed to find any definitive proof that murdered girls worked for the brothers but he had managed to establish that they frequented bars and clubs that they either owned or had a stake in. Tyler Samson’s name didn’t pop up, those documents were ash, but there were files on Skerritt, Davey Ellis and Jimmy detailing their links to the Hudsons. 

“We should call it a night” said Maxwell, “Come up with a plan of action first thing.”

“I agree” said Hotch “There’s a loose timeline we can work from here, it will give us a good place to start.”

Raine bolted as Maxwell hung back to talk to Hotch. You made your way to the break room to grab your stuff. Your head was throbbing and you felt like you could sleep for a year. 

“Hey” you jumped at the sound of Spencer’s voice. He closed the door behind him, looking nervous.

“Aren’t you guys heading out too?” you asked.

“Yeah, in a sec. I just really wanted to talk to you first.”

“It’s been a really long day Spencer” you said warily.

“I know,” he said softly “I know how hard this must be for you and I just wanted to say how sorry I am”

“For?” It came out more sharply that you intended.

“I should have called you when Sheriff Donnelly died” said Spencer. You shrugged.

“It’s fine. Hotch came down, offered loads of help. He and Donnelly were friends you know?”

“I meant…you know what I mean, I should have been there for you. Liked you tried to be there for me when I was sick.” said Spencer and the you felt some of the pent up frustration leave your body “I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

“What we had together had run it’s course” you said slowly, “Forcing those things can be more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Do you really believe that?” asked Spencer. The intensity of his gaze almost made you falter.

“You have someone who makes you happy now right?” you said with a smile “You couldn’t have that if we were still…doing what we were doing.”

Spencer’s eyes widened, a look of pain flashing across his features.

“How did you…”

“I heard you met someone” you said quietly “That’s good. You deserve someone nice.” Spencer bit his lip and you realised he was trying not to cry. “Spencer?”

“She’s gone” he murmured “About a year ago”

“Oh my god” you hands flew to your mouth as you registered what he meant by gone “I’m so sorry”

“I did what you suggested” Spencer said, staring at the floor “I looked for someone to help with the headaches and I found her and we started writing letters and talking on the phone.” He glanced up, you didn’t say anything, just waited for him to continue if he wanted to and it all tumbled out in one go, a garbled story mixed with tears. “Her name was Maeve, she was brilliant but we couldn’t meet because she was being stalked. I offered to help, I told her the team would do something that we could catch this guy and she could go back to her normal life. I promise I tried to help, I really did.”

“I know” you said quietly “You would do anything to help someone”

You didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand there was an ugly stab of jealousy you were trying to ignore, then there anger that he was offloading this on you when you weren’t in any fit state to deal with it, pity that he had gone through this alone and enveloping it all a wave of sadness like a winter rainstorm - cold enough to numb everything.

“The stalker killed her” Spencer choked out “That was the first time I saw her.”

You were stunned. Spencer rubbed his eyes, took a deep breath and straightened up.

“It’s still…it hurts still. Not as much, not in the same way but…”

“It will. Even when you’re healed and even when you’ve moved past it you will still feel it but it won’t be gone. She won’t be gone and you will find a way to remember the best parts without the sadness consuming you” you said “Sorry means nothing at times like this but for what it’s worth I am.”

“I wanted to call you but it seemed so unfair” said Spencer “Especially after everything you had been through.” He laid a hand on your shoulder, it felt comforting and familiar. 

Neither of you had noticed that you had instinctively moved closer together.

“I miss him” you said, quietly “And my Dad too. It was like he was killed all over again and for a long time I lost myself a bit.” Spencer nodded and you knew it had been the same for him. Without thinking you reached up to touch his face, your thumb gently stroking his cheek. You just wanted to comfort him but a small part of you wanted that comfort for yourself too. He turned slightly, his lips brushing your palm and the hand on your arm shifted, moving round to your back. 

For a moment the two of your just stood there, the air thick with tension. Afterwards you couldn’t be sure who moved first but suddenly he was kissing you. Your hands were tangled in his hair and he pulled you to his chest, arms wrapped tightly around you. His mouth was hot on yours and your tongue darted out to swipe his bottom lip, the entire sensation so familiar and comforting. You had forgotten how soft his lips were, how eagerly he kissed you and how warm his skin was. He tasted of salt and coffee, and a soft moan escaped his lips as you kissed him back urgently. It was impossible to form a coherent thought and the instinct to pull away was overridden by a desperate need to stay close to him, in that exact spot, in that exact way for as long as possible. Eventually you had to break away but your faces were still close and Spencer’s arms were still clasped around you. Never of you spoke, you just stood there wide-eyed and breathing heavily. That time is definitely was you that moved first, pulling away almost violently and grabbing your bag before charging out of the door without even a glance back.

On the list of the most colossally stupid things you could have done in that situation that ranked pretty close to the top. The blood pounded in your head as you marched down the hall. Maxwell had to call your name three times before you heard him.

“One of the fed’s SUVs has blown a tire, I’m taking them to the hotel but can one go in your car too? There’s too many of us.”

 _Fuck!_  No, you couldn’t have Spencer in your car, not after that. You cringed as you heard Spencer’s footsteps behind you. Hotch’s eyes flicked between the two of you.

_Fucking profilers._

“If you don’t mind I’ll ride with Y/N. I have a few questions about Donnelly anyway. Reid can you go with Morgan and the Sheriff?” asked Hotch in a way that wasn’t a question.

“Yeah” said Spencer after the briefest of pauses. You gave Hotch a small nod and headed out to your car, still not looking back.

* * *

 

You had hoped the relatively short journey would pass in silence but no such luck.

“Will working with Agent Reid be an issue for you?” asked Hotch as you stared ahead at the road as hard as you could. You didn’t answer for a while and he went to ask again but you cut in.

“He told me about Maeve”

“Ah”

“Really, that’s it? ‘Ah’ That’s all I get?”

“It’s been a year. He doesn’t really talk about it anymore, at least not to me.” Hotch turned back to the road “He talks to Alex more and JJ too I think. They’re very protective of him.”

“Explains the vibe I got from Blake at the crime scene” you said with a sigh.

“I’m sorry about that” said Hotch, “If it helps, it wasn’t personal, she was just trying to get a read on you and she has...a way about her with strangers. I explained about your father and Donnelly at the station. I had to” he added when he saw you flinch.

“I don’t want people’s pity” you said sharply.

“What you have is their understanding” said Hotch and you softened slightly.

“How bad was it?” you asked after a moment “I mean, from what he said…”  
  
“Bad” said Hotch “I think he was in love with her in his own way, intensely so. The fact that it was the first and last time he laid eyes on her? That was the most devastating part for him.”

“I can’t imagine what that must have been like for him” you said and then cursed yourself “It must have been hard for you too.” You glanced to the side.

“It was different for me” said Hotch shortly “Hayley was my wife and…actually maybe it wasn’t so different. In the end all love is built of a fantasy of one kind or another.” You pulled up to the motel, away from the other cars and turned in your seat to face Hotch.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? And why would you say ‘in his own way’?” you asked. Hotch hesitated.

“I’m not judging him, especially not over this. He went through something horrific and an innocent woman was brutally murdered and it is not up to me to baby my agents nor dictate how they grieve”

“But?”

“Part of me wonders if they had met face to face initially, would he have pursued a relationship with her?”

_Wow._

“Exactly” said Hotch as he registered the look on your face “I just wonder sometimes if he does more damage to himself trying to keep the world at arm’s length. You and Maeve for starters. Not trusting the team with his drug problem or his relationships. He never told us about his mother’s illness until she was brought in for a case. I don’t expect to know the ins and outs of my agents lives but-”

“He’s pushing you away and getting himself hurt in the process” you finished.

“You can’t love in halves” said Hotch.

You swallowed. Was he talking about Spencer or you?

“He wasn’t in love with me, he wasn’t my boyfriend” you said for clarity. Hotch raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t think you believe that” he said bluntly “At least the part about him loving you.”

“He didn’t” you retorted “He was a friend, a close friend. We just...happened to sleep together too”

“You shared everything until it became difficult” said Hotch “Life is difficult Deputy. I’m not talking about the long distance but you already know that right?”

“Do you give everyone you meet romantic advice?” you asked. He laughed at that. Ahead of you, Spencer was clambering out of Maxwell’s car and you could see him squinting in the darkness trying to make you out. 

“I wish things could be different” you whispered. Hotch didn’t respond. The two of you sat in silence for a few seconds then he muttered a goodnight before leaving. You sat there for a while longer, trying to ignore the hollow feeling in your chest before heading home to an empty bed in an empty house.

* * *

 

You got in early the next morning to set up before the BAU arrived. Both Pam and Maxwell could sense something slightly off but said nothing, Pam just saved an extra pastry for you. It was funny that they could sense that emotional change in you but not what did for extra curricular activities. Speaking of which, you were expecting Tyler Samson to be identified any day now and you needed to be ready. You had come up with an escape plan a while ago but you were holding out hope that you wouldn’t need it.

You were distracted from your planning by shouts from down the corridor. You stuck your head out of the door only to be greeted by Raine stumbling away from Maxwell’s office. The Sheriff was red in the face and Raine was struggling to walk in a straight line. As he approached you could smell why.

“Don’t come in until you’ve sobered up” roared Maxwell.

“Fuck you” Raine snarled, spinning round and swaying violently.

“Everything okay Boss?” you stepped out of the meeting room. Other deputies and Pam had gathered too.

“Oh yeah Donnelly’s fucking whore gotta stick her fucking nose in too!” Raine spat.

“Raine, another word and you’re turning in your badge” said Maxwell.

“You can’t fucking do that” scoffed Raine.

“Go. Home.” Maxwell repeated. The vein in his neck was pulsing.

“No, no I’m done with you. Fucking piece of shit. Fucking FBI and the shit going on here. You’re a weak, spineless son of a bitch and you and the rest of your fucking department are going to get what’s coming to them” shouted Raine “Especially Donnelly’s fucking bitch sidekick.” Raine wheeled back round on you and your hand instinctively when to your sidearm.

Raine laughed, sending a chill down your spine.

“Think I’m scared of you little girl?” he said “Please! I could take you down in a heartbeat. One day when you least suspect I swear to god I’m gonna wipe that smug fucking look off your pretty face”

“Raine!” Maxwell charged forward  and grabbed the younger man by the arm, dragging him out of the station. He paused to pull out Raine’s pistol and slam it down of the front desk before continuing to drag Raine outside and shoving him to the ground. 

“Return the uniform when you’re dry” he barked before turning on his heels and marching back inside. 

“You okay?” he asked you. You nodded, stunned. Pam had her arms around you, albeit unnecessarily. “Good. Now everybody get back to work!” 

“When did this place turn into a goddamn circus?” said Pam shaking her head. Raine had stumbled down the street, out of sight at this point and the BAU were just pulling up.

“Trouble?” Hotch asked you when they were inside.

“Staffing changes” answered Pam brightly before turning to serve a young woman who had approached the desk.

“We’re ready to go in there” you said to Hotch, who led the team in. You hung back and grabbed Spencer by the arm, waiting for everyone to go ahead.

“A word?” you asked. He nodded and you ducked into an empty interview room to the side.

“Look-” you began but Spencer cut you off.

“I was way out of line last night and I’m sorry. I had no right to do that” he said.  _It was a mistake, he regrets it._  You weren’t sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed. 

That wasn’t strictly true. You knew the way you  _should_  feel and the way you  _did_  feel. 

“I was surprised” you said honestly “You were obviously upset about Maeve and…I shouldn’t have-”

“No I shouldn’t have” said Spencer. You had moved closer together again and you had to take a step back. You didn’t know what to say.

“I miss being your friend” Spencer was the first one to break the silence.

“Me too” you said softly. He smiled back at you and it felt for a split second like all the shit that had happened wasn’t so bad, like it could be brushed aside.

“We should go and help the others” said Spencer “But I think we should talk properly at some point.”

“I’d like that”

“Deputy!” Pam knocked on the door causing you and Spencer to jump, “Deputy  there’s a woman at reception who knew Angela Carcetti. She wants to talk with someone right away.”

Both you and Spencer headed to the front desk. The woman had soft dark hair and a heart shaped face. You were instantly struck by how familiar she looked. Spencer introduced the two of you and invited her to sit down. When she started to tell her story you realised where you knew her from.

It was the girl from the alley four years ago. The one you had saved, the one whose pimp you had killed. 


	12. February 2014c

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader and Spencer interview a young woman with an extraordinary story and the reader begins to feel the noose tighten

Spencer sent Pam to inform the team and the two of you took the girl to an interview room. He spoke gently to her, offering her a drink and making sure she was comfortable before asking her to tell her story. You took in everyone of her face, marvelling at how a person could look so similar and so different at the same time. It helped that she didn’t have blood on her face or a black eye now.

“My name’s Aimee, Aimee MacArthur” she said softly, “But I used to go by Harmony. Me and Angela worked around the docks together. I got out about four years ago. Got clean and went back to school. I’m going to be a nurse. I still kept in touch with Angela though, gave her some money when I had spare and did her grocery shopping for her. When she disappeared I figured she’d been rescued like me.”

“Rescued?” Spencer asked “Who rescued you?”  
  
“It’s going to sound stupid” said Aimee, staring down at her hands, “Sometimes I don’t believe it even really happened, like I made it all up.”

“It’s okay Aimee, you can tell us” you said reassuringly, even as your heart began to hammer.

“Me and Ange and a couple of other girls worked for a guy named Chad. Real piece of shit, he would beat us if we didn’t make enough and he got us to run drugs for him too. He would take our passports, phones, wallets, everything went through him. Then this one night a customer didn’t pay and Chad flipped out. We were near the warehouses on the docks and all of a sudden this figure comes out of nowhere and Chad goes down.”

Aimee paused, an intense look in her eyes and for a moment you were struck by the fact that after that night you hadn’t given her a second thought and yet here she was years later recalling it all like it was yesterday.

“He told me he wasn’t going to hurt me” said Aimee, a small smile crept on to her face, “He told me to go to a shelter and he gave me the name of a woman to ask for there and he said it would all be okay.”

Aimee was crying now and still the little smile was on her face. Your chest felt like it was going to tear open. You glanced at Spencer who looked confused.

“Then what happened?” he asked.

“I ran, never looked back. Never heard from Chad again and Angela told me he disappeared that night. A new guy took over but I was out, I was okay. I wanted Angela to get out too but she wasn’t as lucky.”

“When was the last time you saw her?” you asked.

“About a month ago. I live in Brixton County now and she visited me at the house I share with some other girls from school. She stayed over and we watched movies. I really thought that he’d rescued her too. I used to tell everyone about him. Everyone thought I was crazy but he was real.”

“I believe you” you said, reaching forward and giving her hand a squeeze before you could stop yourself. “You’re really brave, you know that? Angela was lucky to have a friend like you.”

“Do you mind if we ask some more questions about her?” asked Spencer. Aimee nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.

* * *

Three hours later you had a pretty comprehensive idea about Angela’s life over the last three months. You left Aimee with Pam and went to debrief the team. Aimee’s description of her rescuer had been pretty vague to your relief, she wasn’t able to even guess at height or build and you had been pretty well covered from head to toe. This and the darkness meant that she couldn’t tell your skin colour either. All she could say was that “he” had a soft voice.

When you and Spencer finished your story the team and Maxwell stared at you in silent disbelief for a moment.

“…so she was rescued by Batman?”

You weren’t sure whether to laugh or cry at the look on Maxwell’s face.

“Putting that part of her story aside,” said Hotch “What have we learned? We know Aimee and Angela were connected to the previous victims. They were all sex workers who tended to work around locations owned or connected to the Hudsons. We know that Angela and Aimee at least only answered to one person but when he vanished he was replaced, suggesting there is a larger network.”

“All of Angela’s injuries were consistent with Skerrit’s victims plus the victim from three years ago” said Rossi “Skerritt confessed to the first victims so either he’s lying or he had a partner.”

“Y/N didn’t you suggest at the time that they killings could be ordered by whoever were running the girls as a means of punishing them or keeping the others in line?” asked Spencer.

“Yeah but you guys never found anything to back that up.”

“It would explain the newer victims” said Blake and you found yourself squirming under her attention, though you got the impression that she was trying to sound supportive.

“Yes!” said Spencer “Skerritt’s method of cutting his victims was incredibly hesitant and he was unskilled at cleaning up the forensic evidence. It would make sense if he wasn’t emotionally connected to the victims, if they were a job.”

“What about the other body? The guy?” you asked “It seems totally unconnected.”

“Ah Tyler Samson” said Rossi “More connected than we thought”

_Shit._

“You got an ID already?” asked Spencer.

“We got one better. We found out that he was arrested fifteen years ago, along with Skerritt” said Rossi triumphantly.

_No fucking way._

You raised an eyebrow, trying to look interested.

“So whoever killed those girls killed Samson because he’s probably connected to the same criminal gang as Skerritt?” you suggested. 

“No” said Hotch.

Everyone turned to look at him but he remained silent, scowling down at the files in front of him.

They were going to find out. They were going to find out and arrest you and you couldn’t let that happen, you couldn’t go to prison. You would rather die.

You would rather die.

You might die.

“Here’s what we’re going to do” said Hotch slowly, “Firstly, we’re going to investigate the murders of the women separately. We’re going to look closely at the gang angle but also we need to investigate the possibility that Skerritt made a false confession. Secondly, we’re going to investigate Tyler Samson and the bodies from 2004 and establish if it’s the same killer or a copycat. Then we’re going to see if somehow it meets in the middle.”

“What are you thinking?” asked Maxwell.

“I’m thinking this is a mess” said Hotch “I’m thinking that there are several different things going on and we need to untangle it all or we risk getting choked up in it.”

“Anything you need you can have it” said Maxwell.

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak.

* * *

Two weeks later and you were still free though you weren’t sure how long it was going to last. When Rossi and Morgan finally got in to see Skerritt he stuck to the party line and insisted he killed all the women in Brixton County. When it came to the two newest victims he had nothing to say except “Stuff like that happens all the time doesn’t it?”

You took Blake and Hotch to see Tyler Samson’s sister. He hadn’t come back after you had given him the car and told him to leave town but he had phoned her on her birthday every year since. He never said where he was but he’d told her the story of the guy all in black who had seemingly abducted him, drugged him and then told him to leave town for his own safety.

“Well that was bizarre” said Blake, as you were driving back to the station.

“Or not” said Hotch.

“I’m with Dr Blake, it’s a far out there excuse for skipping town. Guy was in a lot of debt” you said. Blake glanced at you, a small smile on her face. She had warmed up to you considerably since arriving.

“Didn’t it remind you of Aimee’s story?” said Hotch.

“I guess” said Blake “But they were both pretty vague”

“It does make sense though” said Hotch but he wouldn’t elaborate when you or Blake pushed him. When you were back at the station he left to call Garcia.

“Any luck?” said Spencer handing you a mug of coffee. You had slipped off to the break room, unable to handle being around anyone. Luckily everyone had thought it was just the case getting to you. Truth be told, you weren’t the only one who had gone to be alone over the past two weeks.

“Not really” you said after taking a big gulp.

“We’ll get there I promise” said Spencer, he moved like he was going to take your hand but then thought better of it.

“We never had that talk” you said softly.

“No we didn’t. I was going to ask if you wanted to meet after work but…I don’t want you feel uncomfortable. I know what I did was really shitty and I don’t want to overstep again” said Spencer.

“It wasn’t just you” you said, feeling a heat rise inside you as you remembered the kiss “And I do really want to talk.”

Before Spencer could respond Pam came in.

“Maxwell has Raine in the cells” she informed you with an unprofessional level of glee “Dobbs and Lindstrom picked up up outside Jameson’s Bar on fifth”

“What for?” you asked worriedly.

“Apparently he ended a two week bender by throwing a brick through the window and threatening to assault some of the staff” said Pam “Maxwell needs a hand processing him”

“Sure” you said “Talk later Spencer?”

“Yeah. I’ve gotta head back to the briefing room anyway” he said.

“No big deal” said Pam with a smirk once you had left.

“Shush” you said, a blush rising on your cheeks.

* * *

You could barely get Raine to string two words together that weren’t an expletive, a slur or a diatribe on the ineffectiveness of the Sheriff’s department. The way he looked at you sent a chill down your spine but you shrugged it off until Raine had calmed down enough to pass out in his cell.

“What the fucked happened to him?” said Maxwell “Guy’s always been a dick but it seemed like when the FBI arrived he suddenly went of the deep end”

“Who knows” you said with a shrug “Seems like everything’s upside down at the moment.” You had been turning the whole thing over and over in your mind but the pieces wouldn’t fit together.

“Hey Sheriff, Deputy” Morgan came up behind you “Hotch thinks he has something!”

“Finally!” Maxwell practically cheered and the two of them bounded off to the meeting room. You were hot on their heels, trying to calm your growing sense on unease.

“So” said Hotch when everyone was assembled, “If we take Angela’s body out of the equation then what was the strangest thing about the Tyler Samson crime scene?”

“Stranger than the second body on top?” asked Morgan, “The hesitation, the sloppy nature of concealment. It doesn’t line up with the original murders ten years ago - that unsub knew what he was doing.”

“Exactly!” said Hotch “So Tyler Samson was killed by a copy cat but why now? Those original murders were ten years ago and we never found out who the victims were.”

“But someone else knew” said Blake “They knew and for whatever reason they wanted us to think this guy was back and killed Tyler Samson.”

“I had Garcia do some digging to see if any associates of the Hudson brothers went missing around the time that our victims were estimated to be killed.” said Hotch and a got seven possible matches so I ordered the old ME reports to be pulled and I’m working on getting the victims exhumed.”

“You think they were working for the Hudsons and the Hudsons had them killed like the girls” you asked, knowing the answer already.

“No we were right to look at them as two separate Unsubs” said Hotch.

_Fuck_

“This guy is a vigilante” said Rossi as he caught up with what Hotch was saying “He’s going after people associated with the Hudson brothers and dealing out his own form of justice.”

“Wait a sec though” said Maxwell “These guys are what you’d call high risk though right? They spend their days dealing with the lowest of the low, what makes you think with a have a vigilante?”

“Aimee MacArthur and Tyler Samson’s sister both told us nearly identical stories of a stranger interceding on their behalf. Tyler and Aimee were both rescued but I think it was a by-product of our Unsub’s desire to take down the Hudson brothers. Aimee’s pimp Chad disappeared after the encounter and Samson was drugged which seems an aggressive way to rescue someone. I think our Unsub wanted information first and foremost and then for some other reason he helped him skip town.”

You felt a pain in your chest.

“How active do we think this guy is?” asked Morgan.

“I had Garcia see how many people fit the victimology we’ve established so far and she’s found about twenty-five that fit though there could be more” said Hotch.

Twenty-Five. They weren’t far off. You kept your face blank as the profilers started to nod. All they had was a theory, you told yourself, and three bodies. the rest were hidden and hidden well at that. All you needed to do was stay calm.

That was easier said than done.


	13. February 2014d

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A murderer is revealed

“We have a match to one of the bodies” said Hotch, striding into the boardroom two days after he had first floated the idea of a vigilante. You looked interested and a small part of you was. You respected what they were doing but you had managed to stay one step ahead of these people for over a decade and you were not 100% convinced my their profiling methods. You wanted to see how close they could get but you would be damned if you would let them take you down before you were finished. 

“Miles Bateman was thirty one and had been in prison for drug possession and  distribution, assault and illegal possession of a firearm” Garcia’s voice rang out of Hotch’s phone “He was also the most recent of the three bodies discovered ten years ago.”

“How did you manage to get an ID now?” you asked.

“His brother identified the clothing he was buried in” said Hotch “Apparently the jacket was a gift from an ex-girlfriend that he wore a lot.”

“Any leads on the other two?” asked Spencer who had been scanning old files with you.

“No” Hotch’s tone was frustrated “Maxwell is ordering a search of the area surrounding the burial site but honestly this guy is too fastidious to use the same place twice.”

Damn right you were.

“What do we know about Miles Bateman” you asked though you had spent the better part of six months getting to know him. How he worked closely with Frank Hudson Jr. How he had a thing for under age girls, cocaine and solving any problem that came his way with his fists. How he broke a girl’s jaw when her boyfriend couldn’t pay for his drugs. How he used a knife on another girl when she reported him for rape and beat yet another young woman half to death when she rejected him in a bar. Miles Bateman was no great loss to the world and he had provided information to you on who the Hudsons had been going to for money services at the time.

“He was reported missing about three months before the bodies were found. His brother said he was supposed to come around for their mother’s birthday and never did. Even bad guys love their mamas it turns out. He didn’t own any property but he rented an apartment along with two other guys Marty Spadden and Louis Crane. Crane is currently in a maximum security prison in California for a series of violent bank robberies and Spadden died from a drug overdose three years ago” chirped Garcia.

It was strange. In an odd way you were rooting for them, this team of heroes that swept into town to save the day like in the old west. 

In every other way you wanted them to fail.

“Did either of them give statements to the police?” asked Spencer.

“Spadden said that Bateman worked out of the county a lot so they just assumed he was on a job though neither off them knew what he did for a living. Crane interestingly enough name dropped Frank Hudson Jr to the cops. Said that he and Bateman were close friends. They never followed it up.”

Hotch turned to you.

“I can see if we still have the files” you said “I don’t remember the case but I know Deputy Parker dealt with a lot of the missing person cases before he retired so I’ll give him a call too.”

“That would be great” said Hotch, rubbing his eyes.

“It’s not a lot to go on” said Spencer apologetically.

“No it isn’t” said Hotch “Honestly we have no way of knowing how prolific this guy is, how he chooses his targets, what his motives are. He’s a ghost.”

You didn’t know how to respond and by the look on Spencer’s face neither did he. You headed down to the basement file room with an odd weight in your chest. More than anything you wanted them to leave. You could lie low for a while and then start up again once the heat had died down. You were close now. Only a few degrees of separation from the Hudsons themselves. Once they fell it would be over.

And yet as you scraped your way through the dusty files, you couldn’t help but wonder what that meant. What the hell were you supposed to do afterwards?

What purpose would there be to living once you had exacted your revenge?

It wasn’t something you had ever thought about before but over the past few weeks, more so when you were in close proximity to a certain profiler, you found yourself dwelling on it more and more. It wasn’t helpful to think about, it was a distraction from your work. You needed your wits about you more than ever and yet the images of a normal, happy life kept you awake at night.

You pushed the thought from your mind as you made your way back upstairs. 

_Focus. Focus. Focus. Fo-_

An ear-splitting bang stirred you from your thoughts. The files fell from your hands, sending papers everywhere as you ran towards the noise, pulling your gun from its holster. You charged down the corridor, every nerve on fire as you skidded around the corner coming face to face with Raine in the foyer.

He looked a mess: bloodshot eyes, matted hair and dirty clothes. The last time you had seen him was when Maxwell had sent him home after a night in the cells with a warning that next time he wouldn’t be so lucky. Now he looked deranged, like a rabid animal.

There was a bullet hole in the way about a foot above Pam’s head and the poor woman was shaking, her hands clasped together in prayer as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Hey Deputy” hissed Raine, gun still pointed at Pam. You didn’t trust that his aim would be that bad if he tried to shoot again.

“Raine put the gun down” you said calmly, “This doesn’t need to get out of hand”  
  
“Too. Fucking. Late” roared Raine.

“What do you want Raine? Why are you here?” you asked, Raine swayed slightly, his finger squeezing the trigger ever so slightly as Pam’s eyes widened.

“Don’t try that stupid soft voice, talking bullshit those feds use okay?” said Raine “Not gonna work on me.”

“Not trying anything Raine” you said, inching forwards “I just don’t want to see you get hurt. How about you put the gun away and we can talk?”

“You don’t give a shit about me, no one does” cried Raine “Don’t come any closer!”

“Okay, okay I won’t but Raine you know this isn’t going to end well right?” you pleaded “Let me help you.”

“Too late” said Raine “They’re gonna pin the whole thing on me”

You heard footsteps behind you but you didn’t want to risk turning.

“Stay back” you muttered, not wanting anyone else to get caught in the cross fire.

“Do as she says” came Hotch’s voice and you felt a slight ease in the fear that was consuming you.

“Who’s they?” you asked Raine “And what are they going to pin on you?”  
  
“They paid for my tuition, they helped my Mom out when Dad got sick, they provided for me you know? No one else cared so I owed them. I had to do what they said” Raine was rambling now, his eyes unfocused and you took the opportunity to inch forward once more.

“Who did?” you asked again “If someone was forcing you to do things then we can help you.”

“Nah” said Raine “They’ll kill me. It’s over now. Told my Mom to leave town. She’ll be fine but there’s no way out for me now.”

“That’s not true Raine-”

“Don’t fucking move!” he yelled

“Raine you need to calm down”

“Donnelly…Donelly knew. Did he tell you? You two were real close so I figured he must have.”

“Donnelly knew what?” you asked, the blood in your veins ice cold.

“He tried to give me money to pay back the loans but we owed too much by then. It was too late. I figured he was going to get me in the end. Either Donnelly or psycho in the mask who helped Samson. One of them was going to fuck me up in the end” Raine began to sob.

“Deputy Raine” Hotch moved out from behind you, “We can help you. Whatever you’ve done it’s not too late.”

“Yeah it is”

It was over in a matter of seconds. Raine swung the gun round to point at Hotch and the bullet from your gun ripped into him. For a split second Raine just looked at you in shock, the red blooming from his chest. His weapon clattered to the ground and he followed shortly after. 

Then there was a commotion. Hotch ran forward followed by Rossi. They kicked Raine’s gun away and tried to stop the bleeding. Someone yelled that an ambulance was on it’s way. Pam was sobbing in Morgan’s arms and you were just standing there, gun still raised and the smoke from the barrel curling upwards.

“Hey, it’s okay” a firm hand appeared over yours, lowering the weapon gently. You blinked and turned to Spencer.

“He was going shoot-”

“I know. You did good” he said “You’re in shock. You need to sit down.”

You nodded mutely, the rest of the world becoming fuzzier by the moment. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from Raine on the floor. He was muttering incoherently and getting fainter by the second. Rossi and Hotch were smeared with blood.

“I need-” you let Spencer lead you to one of the plastic chairs in the waiting area “I don’t know…”

A glass of water appeared in front of you. You glanced up at Blake, a worried look on her face, and took the glass with a whispered thank you.

“You saved Hotch’s life and Pam’s too” she said “Not mention the rest of the people he would have gone after if he had made it past the foyer.”

“Why would he do that?” you murmured “All those things he said.”

“Worry about that later” said Spencer and you noticed for the first time that he was holding your hand in both of his.

“Donnelly…” .

“We need a statement and your badge and gun” Maxwell appeared at Blake’s side “Just routine. Then I think you should go home and rest.”

“I’m sorry” you whispered “I’m so, so-”

“Nothing to be sorry about. You did your job. I’ll call a car to take you home.”

“I can take her” said Spencer. Maxwell’s eyes flicked down to your clasped hand and he said nothing. Just raised an eyebrow and nodded before walking off as the paramedics barrelled through the doors.

* * *

It took a few hours before you could leave. You were questioned, swabbed for GSR, your gun and uniform was taken and the whole time everyone reassured you everything was going to be okay. You just nodded.

Raine made it to hospital and the last update from Hotch before you were sent home was that they had managed to stop the bleeding but he was in a critical condition. Maxwell posted officers outside his room and sent another team over to Raine’s house under Morgan’s supervision.

Spencer drove you home in silence, glancing over at you periodically. You were too tired to say anything but too on edge to close your eyes. The town blurred past you until next thing you knew you were at your door.

“You wanna come in?” you asked Spencer as you made your way up the path and unlocked the door.

“Sure”

_Ah_

“Was it Hotch or Maxwell that wanted you to stay with me?” you asked in realisation.

“I-what? No!”

You looked at him incredulously as he stepped into the house behind you. After a moment his shoulders dropped.

“Both actually. They’re just making sure you’re okay. You went through an ordeal. It’s normal to feel out of it after your first shooting”

_Oh you have no idea…_

“Did you?” you asked as you headed to the kitchen. You really wanted to grab something strong, drain the bottle dry and pass out but it wouldn’t go far in convincing Spencer you were okay.

“The first time I killed someone yeah”said Spencer “I felt numb at first and then it just hit me. I got obsessed with him. Trying to find out everything I could as if that would give me some kind of peace. It didn’t and eventually I chose to focus on the people he had hurt and the people I saved by doing my job.”

“So you’re saying the second one will be easier” you pulled a carton of juice from the fridge and drained it, the sourness and the cold numbing your throat.

“The second one was Tobias Hankel”

Spencer’s voice was quiet and you couldn’t look at him. You stared into the empty fridge, scrunching the empty carton in your hands. So what? You weren’t like Spencer. This wasn’t your first shooting.  _It was the first time you killed in public. First person not on the hit list._ Raine could have killed someone if you hadn’t stepped in. Everyone knew he was an asshole.  _Does that carry a death sentence now?_ You did your job.  _Why was he even there?_ You did your job.  _Why did he mention Donnelly?_ You weren’t a profiler, you didn’t care about the why of it all. 

_Why?_

“I’ve known Raine for years. He’s always been an asshole. Had a temper. Been a shitty deputy. He was brought up for stuff over the years but they could never get rid of him. I saw him nearly everyday since I joined the department. He pissed me off. He knew how I took my coffee. He pointed a gun at Pam’s head. I don’t understand.”

Your voice was tight and you still couldn’t look at Spencer.

“Hankel hurt you and you killed him” you said softly “Why doesn’t that make it okay?”

“Tobias wasn’t himself. Not really. He was kind to me, even when he was torturing me. Raine was a part of your everyday life even if you didn’t like him.”

The look in Spencer’s eyes when you turned to face him was unreadable. It was something like concern but not quite. In that instant you couldn’t put into words how much you wanted him. Not just physically, though you would have given anything in the world for him to be holding you in that moment, you wanted just to be with him, for him to tell you everything was going to be okay, for him to pick apart all the messy feelings coursing through you and lay them out in segments that were easy to manage.

You wanted his arms round you, his lips on your skin and his hands on you tightly. You never wanted him to let go.

You took a step back.

“Thank you for bringing me home” you said “Don’t feel you have to stay”

“I’m here as long as you need me”

* * *

Over the next two days you slept in bursts of thirty minutes or so and then sat on the porch for hours, watching the road in and out of town. You expected Spencer to be gone when you woke up the first time but you found him on the sofa, flicking through a book. Mostly he helped you make dinner and sat in silence with you outside but a few times Spencer did venture out to the station for an update and he took a number of work calls.

“You should get dressed, we need to head into the station” 

You looked up at him from your seat on the porch. Two days had felt like a lifetime.

“What’s happened? Is it Raine?”

Spencer looked at you, biting his lip. Then he suddenly sat down and took both your hands in his.

“Raine is still unconscious. They aren’t sure when or if he’ll wake up but that’s not why Sheriff Maxwell wants you in. You know they checked Raine’s apartment?”

“Yes”

You felt cold.

“Raine had a lot of weapons stashed there along with some money and other contraband. They ran ballistics on the weapons.”

You knew. It made sense considering what Raine had said at the station. It even partially explained why Raine had turned up when you were with Tyler Samson.

“No” you said softly.

“They found a match to the gun that killed Donnelly.”

“Stupid” you muttered “So fucking stupid.” 

“What?”

“I should have known. I should have known it was Raine” you let out a harsh laugh. You should have been crying or screaming. That would have made sense. Instead the whole thing seemed ridiculous. The part of your brain concerned with self-preservation was screaming at you to shut up. This is not how grieving people behaved. Spencer was going to know something was up.

“No this isn’t your fault” Spencer said gently, his hand moving from clasping yours to touching your face, brushing tears away with his thumb.

“My father?”

“They couldn’t find anything that matched that shooting. I’m sorry”

The sound that came out of you then didn’t even sound human. It was a half scream, half howl and it was only muffled when Spencer pulled you to his chest.

* * *

How many times were you going to have to pick yourself up and recommit to your mission?

It took six weeks for you to be cleared for duty with the condition you would see a counsellor. that was mandatory for anyone involved in a shoot on the job. You consented, confident in your ability to fool whoever they sent your way. You had certainly fooled Spencer and the BAU and the entire Sheriff’s department. The leads dried up and there was an ongoing argument about whether the vigilante even existed, should the department be wasting money chasing a phantom, was it Raine, who was he working for etc. The higher ups wanted the whole thing swept under the rug. The BAU left a few days after you found out about the guns, a short, tired goodbye tinged with frustration over the lack of resolution.

They took Raine off of life support a month later. 

You didn’t know how to feel about that.

Part of you wanted to leave. Damn the entire town and let it burn along with the Hudsons.

They were untouchable and you were fighting a losing battle.

A month after you were back on duty you were flicking through your mail. It was mostly bills and junk mail but sandwiched in between that was a postcard with the Golden Gate Bridge and “The City That Knows How” emblazoned on it. The rest of the mail was forgotten as you turned it over.

_We focus on the ones we save._

_We focus on why we do this job._

_Thinking of you,_

_Spencer_


	14. May 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer calls the reader about a case the BAU are working on that may have links to her home town

_You couldn’t remember anything before the dark room. Your entire world was maybe about twelve square feet and ranged from pitch black to a dull, deep grey when some diffused light managed to slip in. It smelled bad and was either freezing cold or boiling hot. You itched all over and were always hungry._

_“They’ll be food soon. I promise”_

* * *

 

“So these guys sell victims to serial killers?’ you asked in disbelief.

“Pretty much” said Spencer and the tiredness in his voice broke your heart.

“Kate’s niece is okay though?

“Physically she’s fine” said Spencer “JJ is taking her home to Kate now. Mentally though…”

“I understand” you said, switching your phone to your other ear as you searched the database for the address Spencer had given you “but she sounds like a tough kid.”

“She is” said Spencer “But no-one can go through something like that and can come out unscathed.”

“Well hopefully she’ll be able to recover quickly” you said “Got the address. Maxwell is prepping a team. Thanks for letting us handle it, after the past couple of years I think Maxwell appreciates a big win.”

“You sound disdainful”

“Always the profiler” you said with a smile “It’s not that really. It’s just that I don’t think our first thought when the feds bring us a potential serial killer in our back yard, should be how to use it to score political points. You think this guy bought three women from these sickos?”

“At least” said Spencer.

“And we didn’t fucking know” you said in disgust “The stuff that goes on in the shadows...”

* * *

 

_“Mama I’m hungry”_

_“I know baby”_

_“When will you be back?”_

_“Soon”_

_“Promise?”_

_“Promise”_

_Another voice, harsher and deeper cut through the darkness._

_“Can’t you shut the kid up?”_

_“She hasn’t eaten all day! She hasn’t been outside since she was a baby. You can’t keep her here like-”_

_You screw your eyes shut as blow after blow is rained down on her. You wished you could cover your ears._

_“Hey now, watch her face. We can’t lose money on this one.” said a third, bored voice “Let’s go.”_

* * *

 

Bill Kessler lived in a nice enough part of town. White picket fences, neat lawns and neighbours all on first name terms. Bill worked in IT and his wife Mandy was a member of the PTA and the neighbourhood watch. They had two daughters who did ballet and hockey and a son who played soccer on the weekends. It was as picture perfect as it could possibly be.

Save for the fact that Bill was apparently a sexual sadist with a fetish for torture according to what the feds had told you.

“Sheriff’s department! Is anyone in?” Maxwell boomed, pounding on the door. A petite blonde woman giving off a distinct Stepford vibe answered.

“Can I help you?”

“Mandy Kessler?” you asked.

“Yes”

“Where’s your husband” asked Maxwell.

“Out back in his workshop” said Mandy, confusion etched into every part of her beautiful face. You were sure you could make out a hint of purple just beneath her eye that layers of foundation hadn’t managed to cover up.

“We need to speak to him Ma’am”

* * *

 

_It was too hot and everything was spinning._

_“She’s very sick, she needs a doctor”_

_“No” the man with the keys was just out of your line of sight_

_“Mr Hudson please. I think it’s really bad”_

_“Mommy?”_

_“Shush baby. Mommy’s here, everything’s going to be okay”_

_Your mother moved away from the bed and towards the man._

_“I’m begging you. I will do anything just please, please get her some help”_

_Silence followed by your mother’s soft crying._

_Then you felt a large rough hand on your forehead. You tried to wriggle away but were too weak to move._

_“I’m not taking her to hospital” he said “But I will send someone here”_

_“Oh my God thank you”_

_“This isn’t a favour. I want payment for this”_

* * *

 

The workshop was at the bottom of the back garden. It was built from red brick like the house and looked roughly the same age. The windows were covered up. You raised your weapon as Maxwell banged his fist on the door.

“Mr Kessler open up!”

* * *

 

_“What’s wrong with her?”_

_The man had stayed since the doctor came and went. Your mother didn’t like it but couldn’t say anything._

_“Nothing’s wrong with her Mr Hudson. She’s just quiet.”_

_She smiled down at you, brushing your hair off of your face and you nibbled at the dry toast you had been given._

_“My boys were loud. Frank Jr could scream the whole house down. Jimmy wasn’t a screamer so much but he liked throwing stuff Maybe it’s a girl thing, being quiet. As long as she isn’t stupid or nothing that’s fine.”_

_Your mother didn’t answer, she didn’t think she was supposed too. The man cocked his head, fixing you with an intense stare you didn’t like. It was like he could see through your skin. You shrank down in the cot. Finally the man sat back, seemingly satisfied._

_“You can leave her for a while. It’s time to get to work.”_

* * *

 

It smelled bad. Your stomach roiled as the door was opened a crack but you shook it off.

“I’m unarmed” came a pathetic sounding voice “Please don’t shoot. it really isn’t what it looks like.”

Maxwell scoffed, yanking open the door so Kessler stumbled out. The front of his shirt was stained red. Maxwell forced the man to his knees and threw on the cuffs as you headed inside.

* * *

 

_“Leave?”_

_“Yeah baby we’re gonna leave. C’mon. The door is unlocked it’s our only chance”_

_She scooped you up in one swift movement and made your way out of the room for the first time ever. There was different type of darkness outside and it smelled different. Even the air felt different on your bare feet. You wriggled your toes and stared up in wonder. It seemed to go on and on._

_Then your mother was running. The unfamiliar world blurred past you faster than you could process it. There was shouting and a few loud bangs. Your mother ran faster. The buildings turned into something else. Trees. You had seen a picture of trees in a book._

_“It’s gonna be okay baby. We’re gonna make it”_

_The shouting grew louder. The trees were closer together now. Branches scraped at the two of you._

_“Hide. Be really quiet baby. Like a mouse.”_

_There was more shouting and one last bang._

_Then silence._

_You were alone._

* * *

 

“I’m with the Sheriff’s department” you said softly to the figure in the corner “I’m not going to hurt you.”

A small sob escaped her lips. As you moved closer you could see she was rail thin with matted hair and a dirty dress. Her lips were scabbed and flaking and her eyes were glossy and unfocussed.

You knelt down beside her, you gun back in it’s holster.

“That man is never going to hurt you again okay?”

“Promise”

“Scout’s honour”

The girl threw her arms around your neck. She was so light that despite her height you were able to lift her up easily and carry her out of the workshop.

Outside she buried her face in your neck, wanting to escape the sunlight that burned her eyes.

“It’s going to be okay” you repeated.

* * *

 

_“I’m with Sheriff’s department” said the man with the kind face “I’m not going to hurt you.”_

_You didn’t know what that meant. You wanted your mother so badly._

_“Mommy”_

_The man with the kind face glanced behind him. There were people crowded round what looked like a blanket. Another man with a shiny badge and a hat stood a little way away watching the two of you._

_“Your Mommy got hurt” the kind man said softly, inching closer._

_Your lip began to tremble._

_“What’s your name?” he asked. You thought a moment._

_“Baby”_

_“Okay and what’s your Mommy called?”_

_“Mama” you frowned._

_“We should take her to hospital and get her checked out. That new girl at the station is going to see if the mother matches missing persons” said the man with the hat and badge._

_“I’ll take her Donnelly” said the kind man “You wanna ride in a police car kiddo?”_

_You looked at him hesitantly._

_“Hey, no one is ever gonna hurt you again okay? Scout’s honour.”_

* * *

 

“Her name is Annabeth Christie, she’s sixteen if you can believe it” said Pam.

“How long has she been missing?” you asked

“According to that nice computer lady at the BAU her foster parents reported her missing from their home in New Jersey little over a year ago but because she had run away a few times before the police were less than thorough.”

“For fuck’s sake!” you snapped, “Sorry Pam, it’s not you it’s just-”

“Oh honey believe me I know” said Pam.

* * *

 

_“Aren’t you just the sweetest?” said the girl with dimples as she placed the plate of cookies and the juice in front of you. You looked up at her quizzically but smiled back anyway. She was nice._

_“There’s no record of the dead girl anywhere Donnelly” the nice man sighed. They thought you couldn’t hear them in the corner. There had been a lot of talk about not distressing you. “The little one is going to end up in the system and I’m not willing to let that happen. Please can you just make a call?”_

_Donnelly sighed before turning to the girl with dimples._

_“Hey Pam could you distract the her for a moment while we sort this out?”_

_“Sure thing Sheriff” Pam beamed “You wanna come sit at the front desk?”_

_You nodded._

_“Here I was thinking my first week was going to be all paperwork” said Pam, holding out a hand for you to take._

* * *

 

“Call him”

You looked up from your paperwork. Pam stood with her arms crossed, a playful smile on her lips.

“Who?”

“Don’t ‘who?’ me honey”

You groaned.

“Pam, we sent the BAU all our findings. He already knows about Annabeth, and Kessler being in custody and-”

“That is not what I mean and you know it” chided Pam “I’m not saying you go into detail but talk to him. Share how you’re feeling.”

“Why? Why him? Why now?”

Pam rolled her eyes.

“Just call him honey”

* * *

 

_“Hudson is in custody!” said Donnelly triumphantly and the entire department burst into applause “It’s been a long time coming but that bastard isn’t going to hurt anyone else.”_

_Pam turned to the young Deputy._

_“You going to keep her?’ she asked. He nodded._

_“I’m going to make sure no one ever hurts her again” he said “Hudson may be behind bars but that doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous. Plus those two boys of his are worse and without anyone to rein them in we need to watch out.”_

* * *

 

“Hey” Spencer sounded pleased to hear from you.

“I know it’s late and we don’t really do…this anymore but I really wanted to thank you for what you did. We never would have known that girl was there if you guys hadn’t told us.”

“Thank you for going to save her” said Spencer “How is she doing?”

“Not great. The doctors are trying to work out the extent of what happened to her but she won’t let them touch her and she still hasn’t said a word…”

“Y/N? Y/N are you still there?”

“I…” The sobs came out of nowhere, like they were being clawed out of your chest. You were so thankful that you had called Spencer from home rather than when you were at the station. No one could see you sinking to your knees, head touching the floor as you bawled like a child.

That wasn’t right, you’d never had the energy to cry as a child. Not until you were older.

“It’s going to be okay” Spencer whispered down the line.

* * *

 

 _Your father_ \- your father, it should have been strange to say that but it wasn’t - _explained to you that ‘Jane Doe’ was just a place holder and that hopefully one day they could put her real name on the grave. Every week you went and laid flowers and he encouraged you to tell her about your day. Then he would tell her how brave she had been and how much he admired her and how thankful he was that she had saved the life of her little girl. Their little girl._

_“How about a story?” he asked that night before bed._

_“A new one or an old one?” you asked._

_“An old story but new for you” your father said. He grabbed the book and pulled you onto his lap._

_“In the beginning there was vast darkness called Ginnungagap that separated the land of ice from the land of fire. When the flames began to melt the ice the water fell into the darkness and out of that a great giant was born…”_

* * *

 

“Deputy”

Your head snapped up at the sound of that voice. You were heading to your car in the hospital parking lot after visiting Annabeth when you heard it. You spun around and your hand went to your weapon.

“No need for that Deputy” Frank Jr grinned “Just heard about that poor girl and wanted to make sure she’s okay.”

It still amazed you how much he looked like his father. Younger and leaner yes but they has the same shaped face, the same cruel eyes. Behind him you could see James, heavier set and with fairer colouring but those eyes again.

“Your concern is touching” you sneered “Now get out of here”

“We’re watching you” said James and Frank Jr shot him a scathing look. He shrank back, an impressive feat for a man his size. Frank Jr turned back to you, wolfish grin on his face.

“You’ve been making a name for yourself, fighting the good fight, being a good little soldier. Time to grow up though girlie. It’s the big leagues from here on out.”

Your hand was still on your weapon as they slouched off, your heart pounding.

“I’m ready for you”


	15. March 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader feels that the end of her work may be in sight but it raises questions about her future

The body rolled into the hole with a thud. All around you the trees rustled and the chill of the wind whipped at the little of your skin that was exposed. You ignored it and began to fill in the hole. Kevin Ricketts was notorious for his cruelty in certain circles. He was known to be close to James Hudson but that hadn’t seemed the case to you when he was selling James and Frank Jr out hours earlier. You were finally getting somewhere. You had names and addresses of the Hudson’s suppliers and you could hit them where it hurt. 

* * *

 

Since the business with Bill Kessler the previous year and the spotlight on the Skerritt case there has been a push in the local counties to do more to target violent crimes against women, in particular sex workers. You knew for a fact that a number of the girls working in Brixton County had managed to get out and some in your own jurisdiction had taken that as a sign and managed to escape the Hudsons too. There had even been a few arrests when some of the women had brought charges against some former clients and pimps. Nothing led back to Frank Hudson Jr or his brother but you weren’t worried. You were more than capable of dealing with that end. 

You couldn’t help smiling to yourself as you finished hiding Ricketts’ body. His proximity to James Hudson meant that there was no hope of getting a conviction for assault, rape or murder, no matter how brave those women had been. You had seen that justice was done, just as you would with the Hudson brothers.

* * *

 

You disposed of your clothes and then dragged yourself upstairs to climbing into a scalding hot shower, your entire body protesting at each step. Luckily for you, you didn’t have to be in work until that evening. Once all the sweat and grime was scraped off you fell into bed. In a box underneath were dozens of postcards and you pulled them out, repeating the actions that had become part of your routine. You skimmed your fingers across the edges and first studied the bright pictures and glossy photos from up and down the country. Then you would turn the over and pick out your favourite lines and phrases, recalling how you felt when you first read them and how Spencer must have felt writing them. It was only after doing that, that you could sleep.

For weeks after rescuing Annemarie Christie you had suffered with terrible nightmares. You were locked in that room again, your mother dead and bleeding on the floor and something was coming for you. Pam had noticed and suggested you use some of your vacation days but you had refused. You weren’t weak, you could deal with this stuff just as well as anyone else in the department.

“Honey it’s not a competition” Pam said sadly. You had just brushed her off and she never brought it up again but a little while later Spencer rang you for a non-work reason for the first time in years and you wondered whether Pam had something to do with that. Frankly at that point you were too exhausted to care about a potential breach of your privacy. 

“You sound tired” said Spencer once he had got to the heart of why he was calling, “It really got to you didn’t it?”

“Yeah it did.” You knew he wanted to ask why but wouldn’t and you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him. You knew that there was chance he might suspect you of being the vigilante if you had yet another reason to hate the Hudsons, but also you couldn’t bear the thought of Spencer thinking of you as a victim.

“Do you remember those stories? The Norse myths from the book you gave me?” you asked after a moment, feeling awkward.

“The ones you read to me when I had my headaches? Yeah I remember” his voice was warm and you started to feel a little less on edge.

“If it’s weird you can say no, but is there any chance you remember any of them?’ you asked quietly “I have the book but it’s different when someone reads it out loud.”

“Get comfortable” Spencer instructed “Here we go... As the world of men grows greedier and angrier, kith and kin begin to feud and all morality slips away. Soon will come Fimbulvetr, the winter of winters. There will be three winters one after the other with no summer in between. This is the beginning of the end…”

You had slept without being woken by nightmares for the first time in a long time after that. You woke in the morning feeling a mixture of utter mortification and immense gratitude that was hard to convey to Spencer when you called him. It all felt a bit too close to how it was before and yet it also felt completely different.

“I know how it can be” he said “It’s good to have a friend to talk to at times like that and I guess I just thought I could be that friend.”

“You were!” you said “I just didn’t want you to think I was overstepping or expecting anything else or-”

“I know…”

An awkward silence hung in the air.

“Can I call you tomorrow?” Spencer asked.

That’s how it had started again. You told him about your guilt over Raine resurfacing when his mother finally came to collect his things from the station and he told you about the troubles Diana was having with her medication. You told her about the awful date Pam set you up on and Spencer told you about the agent from organised crime that he’d asked out for coffee. You felt a twinge at that but encouraged him and felt a mixture of guilt and relief when he explained that it hadn’t worked out, apparently she could only take so much of Spencer revealing the endings of books she hadn’t read. You wouldn’t have minded that. You told him about visiting Donnelly’s grave and you admitted out loud for the first time how lonely you felt. Spencer sobbed down the phone when his mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. You cried together. You wanted to drop everything right then and there and go to him, reassure him that everything was going to be okay. 

It felt too invasive though and too dangerous. It also reaffirmed that your feelings for him had never really gone away away and that terrified and thrilled you in equal measure. Instead you sat on the phone for hours each night as he came to terms with it. 

* * *

 

You woke up just after 4pm, fully rested from dealing with Kevin Ricketts and ready for work. 

Pam was clocking off as you headed inside.

“Should be a quiet one tonight” she said “Think you can find something to fill your time?”

“I’m sure I can” you gave a half smile.

“Have fun, see you tomorrow”

I reality you spent the entire night going through the list of names and addresses that Kevin gave you. You and the other deputy on shift only had to respond to a couple of disturbances so you managed to work your way through the whole list and had a pretty accurate idea of where all these people could be found and how they tied into the Hudson’s network.

It wouldn’t all be night work. There would be a few anonymous calls to Brixton County Sheriff’s department with some very specific instructions, you would need to orchestrate a some discoveries of contraband in your own back yard and finally you would need you get a little destructive when it came to property and vehicles owned or connected to the Hudsons.

it was so close you could taste it.

Maybe not this year but in the near future you would be rid of those bastards and then-

And then..

And then what?

You had never allowed yourself to thick about it before. It was an unnecessary distraction that pulled focus from the task at hand. Now you were back talking to Spencer and receiving postcards the question had been rearing it’s head with alarming frequency. Once or twice you had indulged in the fantasy of turning in your badge and running to Virginia, turning up on his doorstep (romantic rainstorm optional) and confessing everything. The sheer stupidity of it made your blood boil.

You hated yourself for not telling him how you felt and you hated yourself for even entertaining the possibility of telling him in the first place. 

* * *

 

You spent a couple of weeks covertly making your plans. You gathered intel and  leafed through case files. You always wanted to know your targets and their lives inside and out. It’s wouldn’t do to get cocky this late in the game and ruin everything now. Slow and steady had always been your motto.

The only time you felt confident that everything was going to be okay was when you spoke to Spencer.

“Do you ever think about doing something else?” you asked him over the phone one night after you put the case files, the maps and the notes safely away.

“Other than the FBI?” Spencer asked “...I mean when Emily ‘died’ it felt like we weren’t doing our jobs so what was the point and then when she came back I considered leaving.”

“Really? I never knew.”

You had stopped speaking at that point. You felt slightly nauseated bringing it up.

“Yeah” said Spencer sheepishly “I guess I had doubts about the team then.”  
  
“But you never thought about just leaving it all behind?” you asked with a sigh.

“Have you?”

You bit your lip, unsure whether to tell the truth or not.

“Sometimes, maybe. I don’t know. I think that maybe I got into this job for the wrong reasons. I wonder if there isn’t more out there for me.” It all tumbled out of your mouth at once before you could stop it.

“What would you do if you could?” asked Spencer.

“That’s just it I have no idea!” you said “I have nothing going on in my life apart from work!”

“And a love of Norse mythology and yoga” said Spencer “You could travel maybe?”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Europe” you said wistfully.

“Me too” said Spencer.

_Maybe one day we could go together._

“What would you do?” you asked.

“I’m not sure. I’d want to do something useful I think but at the same time if I was going to leave the BAU I think it would be for something quieter. Maybe a book seller?”

“Put those hours of hunting for rare books to good use” you said “That would be nice. You could meet interesting people. Go to interesting places.”

_Come home to me every night._

“I should let you go it’s late” you said, your throat suddenly feeling tight.

“Goodnight Y/N”

“Goodnight Spencer”


	16. March - May 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agent Hotchner calls with bad news

You fumbled around in the dark for your phone, groggy from the dream you were pulled out of. The garish red lights of the alarm clock read 03:00.

“Y/N” you mumbled.

“Deputy it’s Aaron Hotchner.”

You blinked. That wasn’t right.

“You’re in Witsec” you mumbled, willing for the fog in your brain to clear “Spencer told me.”

“I know, it’s just that I need your help. When was the last time you heard from Spencer?”

That woke you up.

“Um he hasn’t actually called in a while. His mother has been having problems so-”

“He’s in jail”

You were stunned into silence. No, that just wasn’t possible.

“I need to you to listen me” said Hotch “Did he ever mention anything about going to Mexico?”

“No.” The room had started to spin at this point.

“I thought maybe he would have. I’m not supposed to know but Emily passed on a message to the Marshals who got in contact with me. I guessed that Spencer wouldn’t have confided in the team about you so they wouldn’t have known to inform you.”

“Oh my God.” You couldn’t even form a coherent thought around that.  _He’s in jail. He’s in jail. God what am I going to do?_

“I can’t go and see him” said Hotch “Can you do it for me? I just need him to know that I know what’s going on. I need him to know that I want to help but…”

“You can’t put your son in danger” you finished “I understand. Spencer will understand. Tell me everything.”

* * *

It turned out that there was an approved list of visitors who could go and see Spencer in prison and you weren’t on it. You hung up after talking to someone at the prison with a sharp ache in your chest.

He didn’t want to see you.

“Hey sweetheart you okay?” you jumped as Pam appeared out of nowhere.

“Yeah, just tired” you lied, shoving your phone in your pocket “What’s up?”

“We got an anonymous tip about a drug shipment” said Pam, clearly unconvinced, “It’s a warehouse on the docks. Maxwell wants all hands on deck.”

“On it” you said. Pam made no move to leave. She cocked her head to one side, pain and concern in her eyes.

“Honey you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong” she began, holding up a hand when you went to speak, “But you have been working full on for a long time now. Maybe you need to give yourself a break.”

“I’ll think about it” you promised.

The bust went down without a hitch. Around $60k worth of product was seized, three guys were arrested on the scene and they were rolling on others in the supply line with very little prompting. There were also large amounts of cash and weapons stored there.

“We’re on something of a roll these past six months” said Maxwell when you handed in your paperwork “That is the second anonymous tip we’ve had along with the discovery of that brothel just after new year. I don’t believe in luck but that may change if it keeps up.”

You didn’t say anything. Luck had nothing to do with it.

“Sir would it be possible to use some of my vacation days?” you asked “Now the raid is wrapped up.”

“Can’t see why not” said Maxwell, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips “You’re the only person in the department that takes off less time than me. Any plans?”

“Seeing an old friend”

* * *

You were pretty sure what you were doing was illegal. Usually that wouldn’t be an issue obviously but this time was different. This was on record and since you were in uniform and on “official” business there was every chance you could lose your job if you got caught. Still, you held your head high and strode confidently next to the guard who led you to the interrogation room.

“There’s no camera in there” he warned “So I hope you can handle yourself if he goes for you.”

“I’m gonna be fine” you scoffed “I’ve seen this guy. Plus it’s just some questions about an old case. Nothing to get het up about.”

“Whatever. I’ll be down the hall. Bang on the door when you’re done.”

You nodded and took a seat. There were butterflies in your stomach and you couldn’t keep your hands still. Part of you wanted to start running laps round the small room but that would give the game away. 

You had to stop yourself leaping up when the door opened again. Instead you sat back in the chair and kept your face as blank as possible.

“You have an hour” said the guard. You nodded and the door slammed behind him leaving you and Spencer alone.

“You shouldn’t be here” he said flatly “I kept you off the list for a reason I…please don’t look at me like that…”

You couldn’t speak, your hands covering you mouth. His face was a mass of bruises and a cut lip, by the way he had shuffled in you guessed that his ribs and stomach had taken the worst of it.

“Don’t cry” said Spencer. He couldn’t even look at you. You hastily wiped your eyes on your sleeve and charged round to him, speaking as quietly as possible so the guard outside wouldn’t hear you. 

“Hotch told me what happened. He sent me.”

“What?” Spencer’s head snapped up “How could he know?”

“Emily passed a message through the Marshall service - don’t be upset, he was terrified for you. He feels so guilty. So do I.” You reached out to lay a hand on his arm but stopped as Spencer flinched.

“Why? Neither of you did anything”

“Hotch says he thinks Mr Scratch is going after you and the rest of the team because he can’t get to Hotch” you said with a shaky voice, “He wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry.”

“He has nothing to be sorry about and neither do you.”

“I could have helped. For God’s sake Spencer if you had told me what was going on I could have helped you!”

“I didn’t want anyone else involved. It was my problem to sort out.”

You dragged your hands through your hair in frustration and bit back the urge to  shout about how well that had worked out for him the last time. You took a deep breath.

“You don’t have to do everything on your own all the time.”

“You would have dropped everything to come and help me and my Mom?” scoffed Spencer.

“Yes” you snapped “I would have been there in an instant if you called, if you told me what you were planning. No question.”

Spencer looked at you in shock. You took a step back, swallowing and trying to calm down. You glanced nervously at the door, hoping the guard wasn’t about to burst in.

“Why?”

“Why what?” you asked, looking back at him.

“Why are you here? Why do you care? Why would you have dropped everything to help me?”

_Because I love you._

“You know why” you mumbled. You were being unfair and you knew it. It wasn’t what he needed to hear right now and you didn’t want to force your feelings on him when he clearly didn’t feel the same.

Spencer looked like he was going to challenge you to explain and you weren’t sure handle that. Instead, to your shock, he pulled you into an awkward hug. You wrapped your arms around his waist, being very careful not to aggravate his injuries. 

“You can’t come back here” he whispered softly to you, “I mean it,” he said when you began to protest, “I know you aren’t here with the Sheriff’s say-so and I don’t want you getting in trouble. I’m not going to put you on the list either because I won’t have you being a target because of me.”

“Can I write?” you asked.

“Please. I’d love that” he said and he brushed his lips against your forehead. It sent a shiver down your spine.

‘Promise me you won’t give up”

“I promise”

* * *

The next three months were hard. You wrote Spencer three letters a week but his replies were erratic. You cried yourself to sleep some nights and lay awake until dawn on others. The one person you could confide in usually was the one that was out of reach.

As a distraction you threw yourself into work. The intel from the drugs raid was leading to more investigations, more seizures and more arrests. You were crippling the Hudsons’ business and there wasn’t a damn thing they could do about it. When the first of the drug runners was in court, Frank Jr and James were in the front row as he pled guilty. James looked mad but then he never was the smart one out of the two. Frank Jr kept a blank face as best he could but he was still white as a sheet. They both left quickly.

It was exhilarating but you couldn’t savour your victories. Not when you knew what was happening to Spencer. He wrote you about meeting another agent in jail, a young guy named Luis who was having a hard time, the beatings, the threats, Luis having his throat cut in the laundry room. You knew that would have brought back thoughts of Maeve for him and your heart ached. You thought of your father and of Donnelly and that moment you had seen the light leave their eyes. You didn’t want Spencer to feel that.

 As summer started to get underway your letters went unanswered and you didn’t hear anything for about three weeks.

“Deputy go home” said Maxwell on your twelfth consecutive night of staying until gone midnight.

“I wanna make sure that the paperwork is-”

“Go. Home” said Maxwell firmly “I can’t have you keeling over from exhaustion. Don’t come in tomorrow.”

“Sheriff!”

“That’s an order”

You sighed and nodded, dreading the thought of spending a day with nothing occupying your mind except your worries over Spencer. You were too tired to drive so you walked, the cool night air soothing you and keeping you alert enough to reach home.

As you drew closer you saw a figure sitting on your porch. Your whole body tensed and your hand went to your weapon. You approached cautiously, slipping your pistol out of the holster until the figure moved into the light and you could see their face.

You couldn’t move.

“You’re here?” you asked.

“I’m here” nodded Spencer.


	17. May 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer returns from prison and the reader makes a long overdue confession

You should have asked why and how but in that moment you didn’t care. You bounded up the steps and threw your arms around him. Spencer responded by lifting you off the ground and burying his face in your neck.

“I thought I wasn’t going to see you again” you mumbled as he set you down.

“Me too” he said breathlessly “I wanted to come sooner”

“How long have you been out?” you asked.

“Two and half weeks, I wanted to call but my mother…it’s a long story and I want to explain everything. I know it’s late but I really had to see you” Spencer said.

“Was it bad? Is she okay?”

“Now she is but…could we go inside? I’ve been out here for hours and-”

“Oh god yeah!” you snapped back to reality “Yeah, come in.”

You quickly got Spencer settled with a hot drink while you threw on something more comfortable than your uniform. You headed back downstairs with that same nervous energy pent up inside you as when you were waiting in the interrogation room. Spencer was pacing, fingers drumming against the mug of coffee.

“Careful you’ll spill it” you tried to keep your tone light.

“I’m going to tell you everything” said Spencer sitting down and gesturing for you to join him “But I need to do it all in one go, no questions till the end. It’s still all really…”

You sat down beside him and took his hand in yours.

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

Spencer nodded and took a deep breath.

“It wasn’t Scratch who framed me” he began “But we didn’t figure that out until my Mom came to visit and her nurse went to take her home afterwards…”

* * *

“Please say something” pleaded Spencer when he had finished. You weren’t exactly sure what he wanted to hear in that moment. You were swinging between utter devastation at what he had gone through and a white hot rage focussed on the woman who had done this. The only other people you had felt this way about were the Hudsons. You wanted to stride back into that prison and start slicing her into ribbons, every cut lasting an hour. You wanted to hurt her and leave her in so much agony she begged to be put out of her misery. You wanted to rip your own heart out for hurting so much, for Spencer, for his mother, for his team, his found family that had almost torn themselves apart in pursuit of justice.

“What happens now?” you asked finally.

“With what?”

“With everything.”  _With us._  Spencer paused for a moment. You were still holding his hand in yours and he laid his free hand on top. Your heart leapt a little bit.

“Why did you come to the prison? Don’t say I know why, I need to hear it from you” Spencer asked.

Part of you wanted to run, anything to avoid answering that question and yet part of you felt you had finally been caught, this was it, there was nowhere else to go. You were acutely aware that this was a turning point. You answer meant the difference between Spencer staying and going, of being with him or never seeing him again. The difference between having a life when your mission was complete or being alone and directionless for the rest of your life. You had never had anything for yourself apart from your rage and your drive for revenge but this? You wanted this as much as you wanted vengeance.

Maybe more?

“Because I love you” you said “ Because I am  _in love_  with you. Because I needed to know you were okay. Because I’m not sure what I would do without you. Because whenever we aren’t together it’s like parts of the world are closed off to me but when I’m with you it’s like I can walk any path I want, go anywhere I want, do anything I want. You make me feel free and safe.”

It was more than you meant to say, your flair for the dramatic seemed to crop up at the worst times and yet you felt an incredible lightness now you had said it out loud. 

“Oh” said Spencer.

_Oh._

_Oh?_

“Please give me something more than that.”

“How long have you felt this way?” Spencer asked, like he was enquiring about the weather. You felt like you were going to be sick, or worse you were going to start crying in front of him and you wanted to get out of this with what little dignity you had left.

“I think-” you said slowly, dropping your gaze to where you still held hands, “I think it was when you sent me the book. I felt like you knew me better than anyone else in the world and that would have scared me but with you it didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you say?”

“It worked, what we had I mean. I didn’t want to spoil it.”

You paused.

“No that’s not true” you said, suddenly “I was scared. I was scared of you rejecting me, I was scared that being together in that way would mean I would have to give up a part of myself that I just couldn’t let go of. I was scared you would see the ugly parts of me and I was scared that I couldn’t love you in the way you deserved.”

There was silence. You were still staring down at your hands and you could feel the tears rolling down your cheeks. Spencer pulled his hands away from yours and you closed your eyes, resigned.

He used his sleeve to brush away the tears and then tilted your face up to look at him. When you opened your eyes he was half smiling.

“You found me on the bathroom floor going through withdrawal. You heard every cruel thing I had to say about Hotch and JJ when Emily came back. You just sat here while I told you I poisoned people and then nearly choked a pregnant woman to death and you didn’t bat an eye. I think you’ve seen more of my ugly side than I have yours and you never wavered not once. You were always there. I was the one that gave up when it got hard. I was the one who never told you how I felt when I wanted us to be something more” said Spencer.

“I knew though” you choked “When you would talk about Hotch and his family I knew you wanted that and I could never give it to you. I should have said something or called it off. I was selfish because I couldn’t let you go.”

“I wouldn’t have gone” said Spencer “I needed you. I still need you.”

He pulled you close and you buried your head in his chest, sobbing louder now. 

So much for dignity. 

“I love you” he said, firmly.

You glanced up, red-faced and swollen eyed, not sure if you had heard right.

“I love you” Spencer repeated. He leaned down and kissed you gently, almost hesitantly. You revelled in the familiar sensation, reaching up to touch his face as you broke apart.

“We’re ridiculous” you mumbled at him before kissing him more firmly this time. You wrapped your arms around his neck, your lips parting and his tongue brushing your lip. You tilted your head to the side to deepen the kiss and his hands tangled in your hair.

“I missed that” you sighed, resting your head on Spencer’s shoulder. He continued to stroke your hair, his lips brushing the top of your head.

“I missed you” he said, “I tried really hard not to”

“Now what do we do?” you asked, not looking at him. You didn’t want to bring it up but you were going to have to talk about it at some point. 

“It’s nearly 4am” said Spencer “Do you have to work tomorrow?”

“No, Maxwell got kind of pissed that I was staying so late at the moment. He ordered a day’s rest.”

“Was that because of me?”

“I needed work to stop me going crazy worrying” you said “I thought I was going to lose my mind. If they hadn’t got you out-”

“But they did” said Spencer, soothingly “They did and now we can take some time to work out what we’re going to do. Best leave it until morning though, I think we could both do with the sleep.”

“Do you want me to make up the spare bed” you asked “I don’t want you to feel pressured into sleeping with me.” That rage at the thought of Cat Adams bubbled up in your chest again. Want kind of monster makes someone believe they’d been sexually assaulted? What kind of monster uses someone’s dead girlfriend as a prop in that ruse? 

“I want to be close you” said Spencer after a pause. Your anger subsided as you brought your thoughts back to him “I’m not sure I can give you anything else at the moment but I want that. I need that.”

You kissed his cheek, the new stubble scratching your face.

“I’m not going to ask for anything more than you can give. Ever.” you promised “Scout’s honour”

* * *

Despite the fact you had fallen asleep without touching, you woke up with Spencer’s arms around you, lying with your back against him. You smiled, thinking of the first night you had spent together and the completely different reaction you had to waking up that way. As carefully as you could, so as not to wake Spencer you rolled over to face him. It was nearing midday and the sun beaming through the gauzy curtains bathed the entire room in a hazy golden light. You studied his face closely as he slept, realising that he must not have gotten much rest over the past couple of months and you could see it in the dark circles under his eyes, the ghost of a bruise on his cheek, the slight frown that knitted his brows together.

After a while Spencer’s eyes fluttered open and he started, confused by the semi-familiar surroundings for a moment before settling back down.

“Were you watching me sleep?” he asked. You grinned.

“You looked so peaceful I couldn’t help it”

“That was the first time I slept through the night since I was arrested” said Spencer. You moved closer, your hand over his heart and kissed him firmly, like you were grounding him to the here and now.

“It will take time” you said as you broke apart.

“I know” said Spencer, frustration and exhaustion creeping into his voice “I just feel…I honestly don’t know how I feel.”

“That’s normal” you said, propping yourself up with your elbow as Spencer shifted onto his back. Your free hand remained in his chest, the dull thud a reminder that he was real, here with you.

“The bureau made the entire team take six weeks off and when I go back I have to go before a board who will decide if I get my job back, despite the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong and despite the back that they didn’t back me up when I was arrested.”

“Do you want to go back?” you asked. You were afraid of the answer, of what it would mean for the two of you.

“I…” Spencer trailed off. The silence hung heavily in the air.

“I’m going to make us something to eat” you said, pressing a light kiss to his cheek and hurrying out of bed, eager to stave off the rest of that particular conversation.

Halfway through preparing an omelette you heard Spencer coming down the stairs and tensed up.

“Do you remember the first time we met?”  he asked. You looked at him in surprise then smiled.

“You were wearing a shirt that was about two sizes too big and more product in your hair than I’ve ever seen” you said fondly, “You were very sweet.”

And so young, you both were.

“You had to drive me to the ME’s office” said Spencer “And even though you were the only person I had ever met that was younger than me working in law enforcement you exuded this confidence. Your uniform was immaculate, there wasn’t a hair out of place and you spoke like you had the answers to everything.”He took a step towards you and took both your hands in his. You suddenly felt exposed under his unblinking gaze.“And the more we talked and worked together the more I could see that there was something else underneath that.”

Your heart began to hammer.

_No, no, no. Please no. Not now. Don’t figure it out now, not when I’m so close._

_Not when we have a chance to be happy._

“It took me a little while to realise you were covering up how sad you were.” You blinked and moved to shake your head but…he had a point. You hadn’t thought of yourself as unhappy but you hadn’t been  _happy_ , not when every waking moment that you weren’t working was dedicated to making the Hudson brothers pay. Not when the only reason you were a Deputy was to give you the tools with which you could take them down. You liked helping people but that was secondary.

“I didn’t need to be happy, I needed to be good” you said.

“We can be happy, we have a chance to be happy and I think we should take it,” said Spencer “I want to be reinstated, I want to go back to my team, my family but I don’t know if I want to be an FBI agent anymore. If I get my job back then it’s like they’re acknowledging that I am capable, that this thing didn’t beat me, that I’m stronger now but that’s all I want from them.”

“What else would you do?” you asked.

“Anything I wanted” Spencer smiled “Something for me, for us.” His thumb brushed across the back of your hand and you felt somewhat dazed. It was like when you were a child and spun round and round and then when you stopped the world carried on spinning and you couldn’t stand straight.

“I don’t like my job” you murmured, more to yourself than Spencer “I needed to do it for my dad but…I don’t know what I want to do.” Spencer pulled you into a tight embrace. You felt your throat constricting and your eyes burning. It was all too much, too quick, too overwhelming.

“I’m going to go back and see what the review board says but I want to stay here with you for a while first, if you’ll have me. I don’t need an answer right now about what you want or need. I’ve waited too long for this to ruin it by pushing. I want you to be happy okay?”

By way of an answer you kissed him, cradling his face in your hands.

“The omelettes are ruined by the way” you said with a half smile as you broke apart “How about I treat you to something at the diner?”

* * *

Spencer made plans to stay until the week before he was due back at work. While you were at the station he went to the local shooting range or the library or visited one of the coffee shops in town. You didn’t stay late anymore, something that did not go unnoticed.

“Does it have anything to do with the car parked outside your house?” asked Pam as you came in from a patrol “Or perhaps the very familiar looking guy I saw with you at the diner three times this week.” You just shrugged and grinned, clocking out an hour later on the dot when your shift finished.

“Have fun!” Pam called as you hurried out to your car.

Any spare time you had was spent together apart from the times that Spencer went to NA meetings, the same one you had taken him to when you pulled him off the floor all those years ago.

“A lot of the same people are there” said Spencer over dinner one night “It was nice to see. It’s even run by the same guy, an ex-surgeon who remembered me. He was nice, asking how I was. The people there are really open, non-judgemental, I didn’t go into details though”

“How do you feel?” you asked.

“Guilty. Sad. Angry” said Spencer with a sigh “On top of everything else…she took my sobriety. I was four months shy of ten years sober and it was taken away just like that. It’s what half the nightmares about.”

Despite that first night of peace, it was clear Spencer still needed to re-adjust to being free and he was plagued by nightmares. Sometimes he screamed out Luis’ name, sometimes Hankel, or Morgan, or his mother, or Cat or Maeve. Sometimes he just thrashed around, fighting off invisible attackers. Sometimes he sobbed and shook, scratching at the long faded track marks on his arms.

Usually he would wake up with a jolt and you would wrap your arms around him, run your fingers through his hair and promise that he was safe, that everything was going to be okay and no one was ever going to hurt him again.

Half the time it worked and he would fall asleep with his head on your chest. The rest of the time he would doze off for little while before another nightmare woke him up or he would get up and walk around your back yard for a few hours or sit up reading or watching nature documentaries.

“I wish I could give it all back you right now” you said, covering his hand with your own “And you will feel safe and healthy and good again I promise, one day.”

“Scout’s honour?” he asked with a crooked smile.

“Scout’s honour” you said “I finish around six tomorrow can I take you somewhere after dinner? There’s something i want to show you.”

“I’d like that” said Spencer.

* * *

The next day was beautiful: brilliant sunshine, a soothing breeze and not a cloud in the sky. You made a quick stop at the florist for two bunches of Cyclamen and yellow Zinnia.

“Are we going to your father’s grave?” Spencer asked. You cocked your head to the side in surprise “In the language of flowers yellow Zinnia means remembrance and Cyclamen means a goodbye.”

“Pam picked them out once and I liked how they looked so I always get the same thing” you said, smiling at the flowers.

“Why two bouquets?” asked Spencer

“Because I always visit my mother at the same time”

The small cemetery was in a quiet part of town. Your father was buried alongside his wife in a plot paid for by the Sheriff’s department while your mother was on the far side. You always visited your father first and filled him in on your news. You felt a little self-concious addressing the headstone with Spencer there.

“It’s never something I’ve done with anyone else before” you said “Donnelly came with me but we always drank whiskey from his flask as a toast instead. He and my Dad had a thing for bourbon.”

“I’m sorry I don’t have any whiskey” said Spencer, directly to the gravestone “Or flowers but it’s nice to meet you. I owe you a lot I guess because without you your daughter wouldn’t be here and without her I don’t know where I would be.”

“He would have adored you” you whispered “I wish he could have met you.”

“I would have liked that.”

“Mama is this way” you said, taking his hand and taking the slow winding path to where there plainer graves were. Your father and Pam had raised money in the department for a grave marker but all they could afford was a small slab with “Jane Doe” and a death date. You glanced at Spencer who looked confused, as you leaned down to lay flowers by the stone. Maybe this had been a mistake.

No, your mother’s death was public record and Hotch had even mentioned it once, when Donnelly died, so he clearly knew the details. It was a stupid thing to hide from Spencer. Plus, you wanted him to know, you wanted to keep as little as possible from him.

“She was killed when I was very little, maybe three? I only knew her as ‘Mommy’ or ‘Mama’ and they could never find out who she was. My father and Donnelly were investigating and my Dad didn’t want me to end up in the system so he adopted me” you explained.

“I’m so sorry” said Spencer, wrapping his arms around you.

“I’m sorry for her. She was young, she never got a chance to live and I’m sorry that she lost her identity” you said and your voice began to crack “I wish I knew her better.”

“What do you remember?”

“Her looking after me when I was sick, wanting to give us a better life. She was brave, I remember that”

“Like you” said Spencer.

“I know what I want” you said, looking up at Spencer “Can you give me to the end of the year? I want to wrap up work things and get some stuff in order then I’m going to sell the house. I want to leave town and be with you.”

A smile spread across Spencer’s face.

“Really?”

“Really. We have wasted too much time. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I want to do it with you, everyday, for the rest of my life.”

Spencer hugged you tighter.

“I’m going to leave the bureau” he said “I mean, if they reinstate me, I’ll work to the end of the year too and then we can start fresh. Go anywhere we want.”

“You don’t know how badly I want that” you said “A new beginning with you. You’re sure you don’t want to be an FBI agent anymore?”

“I have lost enough in my life” said Spencer firmly “I love my team and I love helping people but the job has taken too much from me, I don’t have anything else to give”

You felt slightly giddy, never in your wildest dreams had you ever imagined a future like this. As you walked away from the graveyard, the sun was starting to dip lower in the sky. There were still people out and about as you made your way home. Spencer would be leaving in around a week but you knew that this time it would be different, that a whole new life was on the horizon.

Still, deep inside you there was a wariness, you pushed it to the back of mind as you enjoyed your last week with Spencer there, focusing all your attention on it other instead of the small slither of doubt that whispered that happiness was impossible for someone like you. 

The last night he was there you lay in bed together with his arms wrapped around you as he pressed soft kisses on the back of your neck, his hand splayed possessively in your torso. You still hadn’t done anything more intimate than kiss since he had come back and you had been afraid of pushing him.

“That feels nice” you murmured as the kisses increased in pressure and one hand moved your hip, the heat seeming to radiate through the thin cotton of your pyjamas. The other hand slipped under your pyjama top and caressed your bare stomach, sending a jolt through you.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to” you said, suddenly terrified that the only reason Spencer was doing this was because he was leaving in the morning. He turned you round to face him.

“I do” he said, “I really do. Do you?”

“Yes” you said kissing him fiercely “Hell yes.” Spencer grinned at you, rolling back and pulling you on top of him as you began to kiss his neck, his pulse fluttering against your lips. You kissed him like you were never going to get the chance touch him again and each kiss was a prayer that you were wrong about that. You tugged at your clothes and his, desperate for as much skin contact as possible, needing feel him, every mark and every scar. 

* * *

Neither of you said much the next morning as you ate breakfast then helped Spencer load up the car. There was something bittersweet about the way he kissed you goodbye on the porch.

“I’ll call when I get back to DC” he promised “And everyday after that. I’m going to miss you so much”

“I’ll come down for the weekend as soon as I can” you said “I love you”

“I love you too” said Spencer and he kissed you one last time before getting in the car.

As you watched him drive off you tried to cast off that nagging sensation that fate was going to intervene again.


	18. September 2017A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final showdown with the Hudson brothers is set in motion

Looking back on this day you would wonder if fate was real or if the circumstances of your double life had gotten so twisted up that you had mistook the discovery on the outskirts of town to be a sign from the universe.

As you looked down into the eyes of the dead girl, the only part of her face that hadn’t been sliced up, you made a silent promise to her. It was the first time you had known the victim. Tracy Atkinson was about three months older than you and you had taken a seventh grade English class together. As you studied her face you were pretty sure you had done a joint presentation on a Shakespeare play but for the life of you, you couldn’t remember which one. 

It didn’t matter now.

When you were at school Tracy had always looked like the world was at her feet, glossy blonde hair, a start athlete and a crowd of friends hanging off her every word. Now her corpse was lying in the corner of a field, her clothes torn, her face slashed to ribbons and all manner of insects nibbling at her flesh.

Part of you wanted to close her eyes out of respect but you knew better than to tamper with a crime scene. Particularly a crime scene that echoed the murders committed by Lucas Skerritt. 

Particularly when the victim was the long-time girlfriend of James Hudson.

_I have you now you Motherfucker_

You were holding the scene for Maxwell as he directed CSU. It felt like there was lightning in your veins, this was it, it had to be. Maybe you wouldn’t have to kill Hudson, maybe the law would finally be useful and the bastard would rot in a jail cell until he died. Even as you thought it, every cell in your body seemed to be trying to tell you to calm down. This was the dangerous point, the point where, if you weren’t careful the whole thing could come crashing down.

And now you had something to lose that meant more to you than your freedom.

“We need to alert those profiler guys” grumbled Maxwell “That guy Donnelly was friends with still there?”

“No he retired” you said, giving him the crib notes version “Agent Prentiss runs the unit now.“

“Are we ever gonna see that back of this Goddamn thing?” spat Maxwell “How many times have they been out since that Skerritt fucker was arrested?”

“Two more including the body that was attributed to Raine” you murmured. Maxwell’s expression softened slightly, not that it meant much with him.

“Didn’t mean to bring that up kid…it’s just sometimes I think this whole place is going to hell and other times I think it’s always been there.”

“We’re going to deal with this Boss” you said firmly, “I can feel it”

* * *

“Lucas Skerritt had his throat slashed nine months ago in the yard in prison” Prentiss addressed the small assembly of officers “They aren’t sure who ordered the hit, the killer isn’t associated with any gangs so they assumed it was personal.”

The BAU had come in and hit the ground running. You hadn’t even had a chance to speak to Spencer privately yet, though the two of you had been texting since the request for their help had been put in.

“We’ve established that while Skerritt definitely committed the original murders in Brixton County, another individual killed Natalie Taylor in 2011 and Angela Carpetti in 2014″ explained Rossi.

You tuned out as the BAU and Maxwell went over the facts of the case to bring everyone up to speed. It felt like everyone around you was working at a snail’s pace. All you wanted to was to break down the door of whatever dive James Hudson was hiding in and arrest the fucker.

“Why aren’t we arresting Hudson?” Deputy Brooks, piped up. Half the eyes in the room went to Brooks and the other half to you. There’s no way any of the profilers could have missed it so you kept your face impassive. 

“We don’t have any concrete evidence linking him to the murder yet” said Maxwell.

“We all know it was him!” protested Brooks “He and his goddamn brother are on the outs, everyone knows it. He knew the victim and slashing up a girl’s face is right up his street.”

Prentiss went to speak when the door burst open and Pam burst in, in a flurry of excitement.

“James Hudson had just been picked up by Brixton County deputies” she said “Traffic violation but when they searched his car there was blood. All eyes flew to Maxwell.

“How’s that for evidence Boss?” you asked.

There was pandemonium, everyone yelling at once. The blood was raging in your ears. Eventually it was decided that Maxwell would accompany Prentiss, Rossi and one of the new agents - Simmons- over to Brixton County. A warrant was being sought out to search James Hudson’s home and Brooks was taking Agents Jareau and Alvez to look at the vehicle. Everyone else was tasked with leaving no stone unturned, no box unchecked and no piece of evidence unexamined.

* * *

“I’ve been trying to find a moment alone with you since we arrived” Spencer slipped into the file room as she were searching through old reports. You smiled at him, with everything that was going on you were desperate for him to hold you, to keep you grounded.

“I suppose it would be completely inappropriate for me to ask you to stay with my tonight instead of the motel?” you asked. Spencer pulled you into his arms, burying his face in your hair.

“They’ve given me a room to myself, ever since…you know, so it may be easy to slip out” he said, tracing little circles on your back, “If they actually let us go back tonight. We may be in it for the long haul.”

“How are you coping with it all?” you asked, pressing your lips to his jaw softly “Being back in the field I mean.” 

“It’s hard” Spencer admitted “They’re being really understanding, giving me space, but I’ve changed and there’s no getting round that.”

His eyes closed as you continued kissing him, moving from his jaw down to his neck.

“You’re stronger now” you said, revelling in the warmth of his skin “Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are.” You pulled away and looked up at him, suddenly overwhelmed by pride at how he managed to claw his way back from the edge.

“Do you still want to leave?” Spencer asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“Yes. God yes!”you replied. Everyday since Spencer had left to go back to Quantico, you had wanted it more and more.

“I love you” you said firmly “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Spencer’s eyes lit up.

“I love you too” he said “I don’t care what happens from now on, as long as I’m with you.”

“It won’t be long” you said “It won’t be long before I can be done with this place Scout’s honour.”

* * *

“Are you kidding me?” you yelled. Maxwell raised an eyebrow but you weren’t going to be cowed. Neither were the other officers behind you “You let him go without charging him?”

“He had an alibi” said Prentiss, calmly. You could here someone scoff behind you and it took all you had not to roll your eyes.

“An alibi provided by his brother. God Maxwell you don’t actually believe that do you?” you asked.

“I don’t” said Maxwell, glancing sideways at Prentiss “Believe me. I know that not one word of truth had come out of Frankie Hudson’s mouth since the day he was born but that doesn’t change the fact that we held him and questioned his as long as we could. We couldn’t charge him, DA won’t prosecute with what we have so far.”

“Son of a bitch” you groaned.

“Sir, you know with their resources the brothers will be out of the county by nightfall” protested Brooks.

“James Hudson doesn’t profile as a flight risk” said Prentiss “He’s an aggressive type, more likely to stand and fight if he thinks he’s under attack”

“But his brother is pulling the strings!” you said “And Frank isn’t stupid, he knows when to cut his losses.”

“Enough” sighed Maxwell, “There’s nothing we can do tonight. Everybody go home.”

There were some more weak protestations but eventually Maxwell’s office emptied. The BAU were huddled in the conference room as you walked past. Spencer lifted his gaze from the file he was reading with Agent Jareau to catch your eye. You shook your head sadly as you carried on out of the station.

As much as you wanted him, needed him even, tonight you couldn’t. There was work to do.

* * *

You headed to the local cop hangout with your fellow officers who were eager to blow of steam after the confrontation with Maxwell, you made sure you were visible, that anyone could vouch for you being there while they were sober enough to remember. You stuck to soda but ordered doubles for everyone every time you went to the bar. Your phone kept buzzing with messages from Spencer  but you ignored them. You couldn’t be distracted tonight so in the end you switched it off. At about 2am you all stumbled your separate ways and you headed in the direction of your house, affecting a convincing lurch until you were out of sight and then you doubled back.

There were only two places the Hudson brothers’ felt safe. One was their base of operations on the docks and considering the shit storm that James had brought down on them, his brother wouldn’t want him there so he would be cooling his heels in one of the bars they owned in town. Jackie’s was a ten minute drive from the docks, in a run down part of town and had a dingy apartment above it. It wasn’t a big money maker in the grand scheme of their business but your years’ of observations told you that it was James’ hangout of choice when his brother wasn’t around. Whereas Frank wanted to affect at least a semblance of sophistication, James was happy in the gutter.

The bar was dark and smoky, all the patrons brain dead from either booze or whatever pills James was pushing that night. You didn’t want to risk going round the front so you shimmied up the fire escape and peered through the window. James was there along with two others, a guy and a girl, both of whom didn’t look like they could put up much of a fight but there were three of them and there was a chance one of them could get lucky. You waited a couple of hours until James passed out and the couple sloped back down to the club then eased the window open. The room stank of sweat and smoke and James was sprawled on the sofa. 

You checked the front door, slowly easing the chain on and then carefully moving a chair in front of it. You planned on doing this quietly but just in case you weren’t you needed to delay anyone who might come to James’ aid. He hadn’t stirred the entire time you were creeping around the apartment. It was almost laughable.

For a couple of minutes you just stood there, watching the rise and fall of his chest, listening to the rasp of his breathing. You considered waking him, pulling down the hood and staring into his eyes as he realised what was going on. The thought didn’t move you, you just felt a cold numbness as you picked up a cushion and pressed it to his face. There was a muffled sound of surprise and as James shifted you pulled your gun from it’s holster and pressed it to the cushion.

You took a deep breath.


	19. September 2017B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victory doesn't feel as expected. Is it really a victory at all?

A bloom of red spray and skull fragments cascaded across the sofa and the wall. You shoved the gun back in your holster and stepped back, the cushion falling to the ground. The thump of the music from the bar pulsated through the room and for a moment you thought you had gone undetected until you heard the pounding on the door.

With one last glance at James you slipped back out the window and down the fire escape. The second your foot touched the ground you heard the crash of a door being taken off it’s hinges.

_Fuck._

A figure appeared above you on the fire escape and you bolted, running faster than you ever had in your entire life. A bullet flew past you, then another and another. The fourth and fifth were close but the ones after that had no chance. There were angry shouts behind you but you couldn’t make out the words and you quickly melted into the darkness. 

Your lungs burnt as your feet pounded into the pavement, unwilling to relent and slow down. You were waiting for it to kick in, the inevitable sense of triumph. At this point you would even take relief, anything to fill the gaping void that was in your chest. The sky was starting to lighten as you approached your house. Your heart sank when you saw Spencer’s FBI car outside. You inched closer and saw him asleep in the driver’s seat. You headed round the back and crept inside. You stripped off your black clothes and tossed them in the fireplace before stepping in the shower.

You were too wired to sleep and you were still waiting for the feelings to kick in. At the moment you were still numb. You stood in the shower for an hour and a half turning the water up so high it scalded your skin and then down so low it gave you goosebumps and tinged your lips blue. Bloodshot eyes set in a pallid face stared back at your from the mirror. At least Spencer would buy your story you were hungover considering you looked like shit. The sun was rising now so you pulled on some old, lounging clothes from the laundry basket you hadn’t gotten round to washing and hunted for a bottle of something cheap in your kitchen. You didn’t even bother with a glass, just took a couple of swigs so he would smell it on your breath and you could take the edge off. Then you headed outside.

Spencer jolted awake when you knocked on the window. He clambered gracelessly out of the car, pausing to stretch.

“When did you turn up?” you asked, your voice hoarse. You’d shouted quite a bit in the bar with the other officers as they ranted and raved about the Hudsons. It served you well now.

“About 3am” said Spencer, rubbing his face “I knocked but I figured you were…asleep. How do you feel?”

You shrugged.

“As well as can be expected” you rasped “We all went out after work. Needed to blow off steam. It wasn’t personal” you added, suddenly deathly afraid of what he would think. It was the most acute emotional reaction you had had in the past few hours and bile rose in your throat. 

“I understand” said Spencer softly, and something cracked in your chest “Can I come inside?”

You nodded and when you entered you padded towards the kitchen. Wordlessly you threw some bacon into a pan, enough for the two of you, while Spencer leaned against the kitchen counter and watched. You could feel his gaze on you and it wasn’t accusatory or probing which almost felt worse. You grabbed another pan and cracked four eggs in, the smell filling the space. Spencer carried on watching you, even as he slipped bread into the toaster and poured orange juice. It was all very domestic. 

This was it. This was what you wanted, the new life you would pay for with James Hudson’s blood. It was more than worth it, you knew that for certain. 

Spencer’s eyes were still on you as you began plating it all up. The two of you ate in silence and still he watched you. You hadn’t dared to meet his gaze but at the same time you didn’t feel you had to. It made you think about the morning you had first woken up next to him and he had asked if you wanted or needed anything more than to talk, he hadn’t asked for anything  _from_  you.

“You’re a good man” you mumbled after you finished breakfast. Still no wave of euphoria or even fear over being caught. 

You felt tired, so unbelievably tired.

“I need to meet the others at the station in an hour” said Spencer softly “Can I stay until then?”

Then you finally looked at him, concern etched into every line in his face. You stood up abruptly and headed round the table to where he was still sitting, gathering him into your arms. Spencer wrapped his arms around your waist and buried his face in the thick jumper you had pulled on.

“I’m sorry” he murmured but you shushed him.

You cupped his face when you finally let him go.

“It’s not always going to be like this” you said, your throat scratchy.

“Soon” said Spencer with a smile as he looked up at you “It won’t be long now. You can get as far away from here as you need.”

Your phone began to ring, making you jump. You didn’t move to answer it until Spencer’s started ringing too. It was quicker than you expected. Spencer frowned and grabbed his phone first, launching into an animated conversation with, you assumed, Emily. You did the same, tiredly mumbling an affirmation to Pam’s terse message. You threw the phone down on the kitchen table as you hung up and rubbed your temples.

“James Hudson was reported dead” said Spencer “I’m guessing that was the station?”

“Uh huh” you said, the numbness bearing down on you “They need everyone in but god knows if anyone is in a fit state to deal with this.”

* * *

“Where were you?” Emily pulled Spencer to one side once he arrived, a full ten minutes after you had. You tried to listen in to the conversation as you stood next to Pam in the briefing room.

“I couldn’t sleep” said Spencer “I went for a walk.”

Emily didn’t look convinced at all but wandered over to talk to Maxwell while Spencer leafed non-chalantly through a file. You almost wanted to smile at how someone could be simultaneously so good and bad at keeping secrets. Then you thought of Mexico and Maeve and Donnelly and the Hudsons and you didn’t feel like smiling anymore.

It was a straight forward meeting. Apparently the guys at the club had waited until about 9am before calling the cops who had roused the BAU straight away. The scene was a total mess and from what you could see of the crime scene photos Hudson’s goons had panicked once they found him dead and hadn’t managed to chase you down. They had found at least three different blood types, the stuff all over James Hudson was clearly his but CSU speculated that the other two smaller samples were the result of a fight. The furniture was in disarray and the body had been moved after your escape. Clearly someone was scared they were going to get the blame for the murder and had tried to cover it up before being stopped by someone else. You wanted to laugh, all the shit they had done was probably a better forensic counter measure than anything you could have come up with. Then again, James never exactly hung around with candidates for Mensa.

The girl you had seen in the apartment was the one who phoned the police - Maya Gold. Her boyfriend was gone and there had only been a couple of people in the bar by the time police arrived. Everyone else had scattered. You felt a cruel sense of validation that those lowlifes hadn’t stuck around for James. 

“So we have one eye witness who saw someone running from the property a short time after the murder but we don’t have an accurate description or a decent sense of the direction they were heading” finished Prentiss “We’re trying to track down everyone who was at the bar last night who may have seen something.”

“What’s your theory so far?” you asked, thankful that your voice was much less hoarse now. All eyes turned to you.

“We’ve got multiple potential lines of enquiry” said Tara “On first glance it’s likely that Hudson knew his killer. The bar was busy and it was apparently common knowledge that he was brought in to the station.”

“It may be that this is an act of retaliation” Agent Alvez added “Someone may have thought Hudson told the cops something he shouldn’t have or they may be worried that we could find something the more we look into him.”

“Is it worth looking at his brother then?” you asked carefully “He basically runs the whole operation for them. Could this be Frank Jr getting rid of a liability?”  
  
If the cops pinned James’ murder on his brother then all the stuff about his business practices would finally come to light and Frank Jr would either die in the chair or in a prison cell with no hope of release. You could live with that, as long as he died it didn’t matter whether it was by your hand or not. Without him the empire would crumble.

There was a murmur of agreement over your comments and after further discussion Maxwell began to dole out duties. Everyone who was out last night was either sent home because they were still drunk or set to work in the station. Everyone else got ready to leave with the BAU and some re-enforcements drafted in from Brixton County.

“I’m going with Matt and Tara to canvas the area around the crime scene and see if we can find some witnesses” said Spencer in a quiet voice as you were running some searches on the database, “Can I come over later?”

“I’d like that” you said back in the same low voice “You won’t get in trouble with Emily?”

“No” Spencer smiled “I think I have her convinced and I want to make up for last night.”

“That was me not you” you said firmly “I should be doing the making up”

“I’ll see you tonight” he whispered as Tara waved him over “I love you”

“Love you too”

* * *

Spencer turned up at your door about an hour after you had gotten home. He looked exhausted. The door-to-door yielded nothing useful and to make matters worse Frank Hudson Jr was in the wind.

“I’m sorry. I feel like we’ve crashed in here and failed all of you” he said, settling down on the sofa as you passed him a glass of wine.

“This thing with the Hudson’s has been going on for years” you told him firmly as you sat down close to him “It would be naive to think it would be over and done with so easily.”

“Can I ask you something?” asked Spencer, turning towards you “Are you glad James Hudson is dead?”

You took a long sip of your wine , gripping the glass tight. You couldn’t lift your eyes to meet Spencer’s, afraid of what he might see. When you didn’t answer, he leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to your temple. You closed your eyes and simultaneously fought down tears and revelled in the contact.

“It’s okay” he murmured “It’s okay to feel that way.”  
  
“I’m a monster” you whispered, getting up.

“You’re human” said Spencer “A man who probably had a hand in killing both your father and your mentor died today. You’re allowed to feel relief and even joy that he’s gone, that’s normal. In fact it’s-”

“That’s not what this is” you hissed “It’s-” the sound of the back door banging against the frame cut you off. Your eyes narrowed, you were sure that you’d locked it that morning before heading to the station.

“Stay here” you told Spencer before darting into your kitchen. The door had evidently slammed shut, caught by an evening breeze but it was definitely unlocked. You whipped around, checking all the windows. There was no sign of entry anywhere else. Your stomach lurched when a thud came from the living room. You didn’t even think about grabbing a weapon before charging back to Spencer.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Frank Jr stood there, calm as anything with a gun pointed at Spencer who was sporting a nasty cut lip.

“It was you wasn’t it?”


	20. September 2017C

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision must be made

“It was you wasn’t it?”

Frank Jr wasn’t angry or even accusatory. His voice was calm and level and his gaze steadily flicked between you and Spencer as if he was daring either of you to try something.

“Don’t hurt him” you warned “I swear to god if-”

“I don’t think you’re in the position to be making threats” laughed Frank Jr “And you didn’t answer my question”

“Listen to me, he’s a federal agent, he has nothing to do with anything. It will go very badly for you if you kill a fed”

“Whereas if I shoot a dirty cop the world will keep turning” Frank Jr grinned “It was you! I can tell. You would have denied it already if it wasn’t you and let’s face it you probably had more reason than anyone considering what we did to your daddy and the Sheriff. Did you know that we didn’t mean it the first time?”

You swallowed down the bile in your throat, unable to focus on his words properly.

“If you didn’t want to kill my father then-”

“We were aiming for you”

It was what you imagined being struck by a bolt of lightning must feel like, white hot and a deafening silence. The entire world seemed to fall away in that moment, your tiny living room was all that existed.

“She was a child” you heard Spencer say in disgust “Why the hell-”

“Yes”

The two of them looked at you and you held Frank Jr’s gaze, not even blinking. You couldn’t look at Spencer, not after this.

“Yes?”

“Yes I killed your brother” you said calmly.

“But that’s not all is it?” said Frank Jr, softly.

“No”

He laughed and it sounded like stones breaking glass.

“The fed has no idea right? I thought he was in on it but considering no-one from my crew goes missing when he comes for his little visits …” 

“Let. Him. Go.” you hissed “This is between you and me. You want to finish this now then let’s go ahead but you don’t get to hurt him.”

Frank Jr shrugged.

“Wasn’t planning on it” he said “He’ll slow us down and I wanna see the look on his face when your bloated corpse washes up. Do you think anyone in the department will care once they know what you’ve done? You gonna get your picture up there next to daddy and the Sheriff?”

“Frank whatever this is-” Spencer began but the other man silenced him with a blow to the head that sent him sprawling. Spencer didn’t get up and terror washed over you.

“We’re going for a drive” said Frank Jr, the gun pointed at you now. 

_It’s over._

* * *

You got into your car and after forcing you to turn the GPS off, Frank directed you to the docks, the gun levelled at you the entire time. At first a thousand escape plans flicked through your head but in the end it was all white noise punctuated by flashes of Spencer slumped on the floor. All you wanted was for him to be okay, if you died tonight knowing that he was okay then you could deal with that. 

You felt oddly still after that as you approached the warehouses, shipping containers and derelict buildings of the docklands. There wasn’t going to be an easy way out of this, you were probably going to die and you were never going to see Spencer again.

He knew. He knew what you had done, what you were. You pulled in at Frank Jr’s instruction and tried not to let the full weight of that hit you. You weren’t going to breakdown in front of this mother fucking piece of shit.

“Stop the car and get out” said Frank Jr. You obeyed and he steered you towards a boat at the far end of the docks. 

“When did you figure out it was me?” you asked, pausing at the bottom of the gangplank. Frank Jr shoved you forwards, forcing you to climb up to the boat. 

“Raine was attacked once when I had him tailing that fucker Samson. Always figured someone was watching us but couldn’t figure out who” Frank Jr carried on pushing you towards the hold.

“Donnelly figured that out and the FBI too. When did you know it was me? Not when you set Raine up. You pinned the murder of Samson on him after I got him out of town.”

“Took me ages to hunt him down and by then Raine was off the rails. Two birds one stone. Thanks for shooting him by the way.  After that I tried to keep everything on the down low but people kept disappearing and then in the past year those fucking raids and arrests and those fucking anonymous tips. Figured it had to be someone in the department who could get hold of records and evidence to double check against whatever you got out of my guys when you tortured them.”

“I didn’t torture anyone” you snarled “I went for the low life scum who would turn on you easily and pieced everything else together and it fucking worked too” you added triumphantly “You’re done”

“So are you. Maya, from the club? She’s more than willing to give your description as the one who killed my brother. Then they’re going to raid your house and that little cabin of Donnelly’s and I’m betting they’ll find whatever safe spot you use to hide your shit.”

“They won’t be that quick” you said though you weren’t sure you believed that.

“Oh yeah they will. Maya has been chatting to the nice people at the FBI all afternoon. Caught one of them after they were canvassing around the bar, waiting for your boy to go of course.”

_Fuck. That’s it. No way out._

“Either way you’re going to end up dead or in prison” you shrugged “If it costs me my life that’s fine by me.”

Frank Jr laughed.

“God I wish the old man was here to see this. I think he’d like you. He’d probably even feel bad about asking us to put a bullet in your head.”

“So it was his idea?” you asked. There was strange feeling rising inside you that you couldn’t name.

“His dying wish. It wasn’t personal, just housecleaning” Frank Jr, shrugged “Now get on your knees.”

“Fuck you”

Frank Jr laughed again, louder this time and the sound reverberated around the hold.

“Bitch you’re going down either way. At least this way there will be less mess. On. Your. Knees.”

“On yours” came a voice.

Spencer looked a mess, blood matted in his hair and his lip starting to swell. There was a wild look in his eyes and he fixed his glare on Frank Jr who turned slightly as Spencer shakily made his way down the stairs, but kept his gun pointed at you.

“Listen lover boy, you take another step and I blow her brains out.”

“Then I shoot you in the shoulder and the cops drag you out of here. Cop killers don’t tend to fare well in jail, trust me. Plus given the things you’ve done I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t make it to the police car in one piece” said Spencer, his voice low and dangerous.

“You know what she’s done right?” asked Frank Jr “I mean she must have what? At least twenty bodies buried somewhere. The bitch has blood on her hands, no one in the Sheriff’s department is going to give a shit if she lives or dies. They didn’t care about her whore Ma and they won’t give a shit about her.”

You saw red and the next few minutes were a flurry of confusion. You had thrown yourself forward, screeching at the top of your lungs and Frank Jr hadn’t been able to move fast enough. Then the two of your were on the floor and Spencer was shouting. The gun flew out of Frank Jr’s hand and you heard it clatter to the floor the same moment a fist connected with your face and you saw stars. Frank Jr roared and pushed back but you managed to regain your balance and slam him to the floor. You received another bow to the head that sent you backwards.

“Stay down Hudson” yelled Spencer as you struggled to pull yourself up 

“Okay, okay” choked Frank Jr “Fine, arrest me but you’re gonna have to arrest that bitch too.”

The gun was in arm’s reach. Neither Frank Jr nor Spencer had noticed it. Before your brain could register what was going on your hand reached out.

“At least it’s obvious where she gets her crazy from.” 

“Shut up Hudson” said Spencer “You’re under arrest.”

“She didn’t tell you did she?” Frank laughed.

Your fingers closed round it and you set about trying to stand up on shaking legs.

“Do you think we look similar?”

Spencer was looking at Frank Jr in confusion. The shit eating grin on his face grew wider.

“You can see it in the eyes I think. Right Y/N?” he asked. The grin slipped when he saw the gun.

“Yeah I see it”

The gun shot was louder than any you had heard in your life before. Spencer was frozen in place as Frank Jr bled out on the floor.

_It’s over._

_It’s all over._

“Y/N?” Spencer’s voice was soft but his weapon was raised. You felt a pang in your chest.

“I’m not going to prison.”

“I called Garcia and told them you’d been taken. They’re on their way. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“How did you know where to find me?” you asked.

“Hudson said something about your body washing up. It seemed too specific and Garcia was able to find that the brothers owned a boat. Please put the gun down.”

“There’s bodies in the wastelands north of the housing development at the edge of town” you said softly, tears rolling down your cheeks “There’s bodies in the sand dunes and some in the forest about a mile east of the lake. All Hudson’s men. Rapists and murderers and abusers, every last one. You can dig them up and find out for yourself.”

“Put the gun down” pleaded Spencer “There’s a way out of this.”

You let out a choking, sobbing laugh at that.

“Oh god, Spencer, no. There isn’t. Not if you take me in. We could leave, torch the boat and slip away. That’s the only way I’m getting out of this.”

“You want to to run away together? Seriously?”

“Yeah, yeah I do” you said sadly, your gaze falling on Frank Jr’s body “For the longest time all I wanted to was to make them suffer and then you came along and ruined everything. I tried really hard. I pushed you away as much as I could but then you came back and I thought I could do this and get away with it and…”

“But here we are with guns pointed at each other” said Spencer “If you still feel that way about me then I will do everything in my power to help you.”

“You’ll visit me in prison?  No, no way. You couldn’t handle that and neither could I. I love you too much to make you do that.”

At that Spencer finally lowered the gun, a look of complete defeat washing over him.

“Why did you do it?” he asked.

“They took everyone I loved, they destroyed my world and worst of all…” 

You shook your head, you couldn’t think about that, not right now.

“They destroyed my world and countless lives and no one could do anything to stop them. Not Donnelly, not Maxwell, not Hotch or the FBI. They were kidnapping and trafficking and brutalising people and the law couldn’t bring them down so I decided I would.”

“How long?”  
  
“Long before we met”

“You were a kid!” said Spencer, exasperated.

“I was angry and determined and I’m a monster”

“You’re not a monster”

“Oh darling I am” you half laughed, half sobbed “I wish I could have been better for you.”

When Spencer didn’t respond you took a deep breath.

“There’s a lot of fuel on this boat” you said softly “It would go up in seconds and no one would think twice if all the bodies weren’t accounted for.”

Spencer said nothing and you couldn’t read the expression on his face.

“Or you can leave now, I’ll understand. I’m not going to make you shoot me or watch someone else do it, I wouldn’t do that to you but this is the end for me. I just want you know that everything I told you about how I feel was true. I love you more than I have loved anyone in my whole life.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment. 

The faint sound of sirens could be heard in the distance.


	21. Conclusion One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer makes his choice

“I’m sorry”

“Me too” you whispered as Spencer turned and headed up the steps to the top deck. Once he was out of sight you let out a strangled cry that echoed around the hold, the sobs wracking your body. You had never felt so numb, so utterly hopeless in your entire life. Your legs gave way and you found yourself on your hands and knees, wanting to scream but no sound coming. The sirens were getting louder, they would be here soon. The blood was pounding in your ears and as you breathed in and out, in and out, you allowed a kind of calm to settle over you. Slowly the shaking subsided and you were able to rise, steadily to your feet.

You stood at the foot of the stairs, gun raised, and waited.

* * *

“Y/N?”

It was Maxwell. You raised your eyes, not really knowing what to expect. Behind him was Brooks and another deputy, Lindstrom. All three had their guns raised.

“Deputy Y/N you need to come with me” Maxwell said, clearing his throat “Don’t-”

“Make this harder than it already is?” you finished, the corner of your mouth curling into an involuntary smiled. Maxwell sighed.

“What a fucking mess” he mumbled, not even really speaking to you. He looked so old and tired and his uniform suddenly didn’t suit him. You thought of Donnelly and then of your father and how after he died you had been told that he was in line to make sheriff one day after Donnelly retired.

“I gave Agent Reid the names of some places to look” you explained “I’m guessing you’ve raided my house.”

“Found some tools but they look clean, so I figured the girl was bullshitting us” said Maxwell “Agent Reid’s team are at the perimeter. Poor guy seems kind of shaken.”

“Tell him I’m so sorry” you said softly “Tell Pam too.”

“Y/N” warned Brooks, his face pale and drawn. 

You took a deep breath and moved before you changed your mind.

* * *

A flurry of shots rang out in the darkness. All the team spun  around to stare at the boat except Spencer, leaning on the bonnet of the SUV, head in his hands. Emily dragged her attention away from where Maxwell was stumbling down the gangway and looked at Spencer.

_What a complete and total clusterfuck._

“Okay here’s what’s going to happen” she said “Rossi, you and JJ and Tara stay here and liase with the Sheriff’s department. Luke and Matt go to Deputy Y/N’s house and help with the search, Reid you’re coming with me.”

“Where?”

“Back to the station, away from all this.”

“I should go and-”

“No”

The sharpness of Emily’s tone made Spencer look up in dull surprise.

“No” Emily repeated “I don’t know exactly what happened here tonight but this is an active crime scene that is linked to a number of serial cases and it can’t be trampled over by someone with a personal connection. Besides…you don’t want to see her like this.”

Spencer opened his mouth to protest and then after a moment, slid into the SUV without a word.

“The rest of you get to it” Emily demanded and the all scurried off into different directions except Rossi.

“When  you get a chance you should call Hotch” Rossi explained “He knew Y/N and the old Sheriff and most of the major players here.”

“Thanks Dave” said Emily, a little of the tension leaving her shoulders “The brass is going to come down on Reid like a tonne of bricks over this. It’s too soon since Mexico.”

“I don’t think he’s thinking about that now” shrugged Rossi “Between you and me there was more going here.” He headed off to join JJ and Tara and Emily looked after him. The entire team had pretended not to notice when Spencer slipped out of his hotel room the past few nights, how he stood aside to talk to you when he thought no one was looking, how tactile he was with you and how he would periodically glance up from files to look at you, a small smile on his face.

Emily climbed into the SUV and glanced at Spencer before starting up the engine. His eyes were closed, brows pulled into a frown and his fists were clenched in his lap. 

They drove in silence back to the station.

* * *

To say the next few days were difficult were an understatement. About a hundred different things were happening at once and Spencer felt like his head was going to explode. Emily had tried banishing him to the hotel but he had refused, arguing that he had more right to be on this case than anyone. It was non-sensical and just plain wrong but finally Emily had relented, however she had stuck to Spencer like glue the entire time. It was irritating but once he had been informed that the bureau was going to launch an internal investigation into his relationship with you he grudgingly accepted.

Spencer sat in the conference room, still set aside for the BAU, as Emily added the photos of the new crime scenes.

“Sixteen bodies over four sites so far” said Emily, with a sigh “All single gunshot wounds and extensive damage to the face and hands.”

“All post mortem damage” said Spencer, a note of insistence in his voice “This wasn’t torture, it was a forensic counter measure. She killed them quickly and cleanly. She didn’t get off on their suffering of anything.”

“I know” said Emily “She was a mission-based vigilante. By the looks of things she completed her mission. Maxwell says any remaining associates of the Hudson brothers have left town or-”

They were interrupted by shouts from the Sheriff’s office. It was a repeat of an argument that had been raging on and off since your death.

“I don’t give a damn about what’s appropriate” screeched Pam “And I’m not the only one. Plenty of others have contributed to the collection. Some of us don’t want to see that girl in an unmarked grave.”

“Neither do I” Maxwell yelled back over Pam’s protests to the contrary, “But she wasn’t killed in the line of duty, I can’t put a photo on the wall of someone who murdered over god knows how many people.”

“You know it wasn’t that straight forward!”

“Come on Pam, if it was anyone else… if it was fucking Raine-”

“But it wasn’t!” Pam’s shout was followed by the slamming of a door and a few moments later she strode past the conference room, sobbing.

“Pam?” Spencer rose and called out to her before Emily could stop him. Pam turned towards them, her eyes swollen and red.

“You should talk to him” Pam said, wide eyed as she entered “He’ll listen to you.”

Spencer’s shoulder’s sagged.

“I’m not sure Sheriff Maxwell wanted us here in the first place” said Spencer, sadly “He’s not going to listen to us.” 

“You’re raising money for a grave marker?” Emily asked, changing the subject as quickly and respectfully as she could. Pam nodded.

“Most people have put something in. It’s hard though. I don’t think people can wrap their heads around it. It was wrong, I know what she did was wrong but I understand…”

“Understand what?” said Emily. She pulled out a chair and gestured for Pam to sit, taking the seat next to her and placing a reassuring hand on her arm. Spencer remained standing, not sure if he wanted to hear what was coming next.

“If anyone had a reason to hate the Hudson brothers Y/N did” said Pam shakily “I had just started at the Sheriff’s department when we got a call about the Jane Doe. No name, no ID. Just a body in the woods.”

“Y/N’s mother” said Spencer. Pam nodded.

“That girl couldn’t have been more than seventeen or eighteen at a push and Y/N was little more than a baby. They all came back to the station with this little girl and she was underfed and dirty and she had no one” Pam sobbed. Emily looked up at Spencer.

“That’s a traumatic environment for a child to be in” said Emily softly “It would have had a profound impact on her growing up”

“Was Frank Hudson Sr her father?” Spencer cut in. Both women looked at him in shock but Pam’s expression soon gave way to sorrow, resignation.

“He ran a ring of girls” said Pam softly “The ones we saw were too scared to say anything and the rest were held in places, sometimes moved when we got too close. After we found Y/N and her mother… we got some leads and worked out that Jane Doe was one of his favourites. No one knew where she was from, we never tracked down any family but Donnelly had them run Y/N’s DNA and we got a paternal match to Hudson. There was no way in hell we were going to let that psycho’s family get their hands on that little girl.”

Pam’s voice finally cracked and she dissolved into a mess of sobs, Emily gathering the woman into her arms. Spencer swallowed, wanting to shout or cry or  _something_ but feeling stuck in space. He kept thinking back to what you had almost said on the boat. They had taken everyone you loved from you and worst of all… but you hadn’t said it. Spencer wondered if you had ever allowed yourself to stay it out loud.

_Worst of all there is a part of them inside me_

When had you realised? Perhaps after your father had died? Donnelly would never have told you, nor would Pam but you could have found out from old files or eavesdropping on station gossip. Or maybe it had been gradual, watching your features grow to resemble someone you had long reviled. Maybe that’s what had spurred you on to eradicate that entire family from the face of the earth, a desire to purge them from the world when you couldn’t purge them from yourself.

* * *

When they buried you, Spencer stood at Pam’s side. It was a few weeks later  when the majority of the case was dealt with. Spencer was still suspended from the FBI while they reviewed his conduct and liaised with the Sheriff’s department. All the bodies were recovered, a timeline had been established and the evidence was being processed and stored. Spencer had stayed in town even when the team returned to Quantico. He couldn’t work and he felt a need to be near her. Pam had turned up one night at his hotel room and shoved a cardboard box into his hands. Spencer couldn’t tell whether Pam hated him or not. When he pressed her all she would say was:

“She loved you” and then left with a shrug. Inside the box was every single postcard he had ever written to you. The book of norse myths had never been found and Spencer wondered if you had thrown it away at some point. The thought of that hurt. He didn’t bring it up with Pam. That night was the only time before your funeral that she had come to see him. Spencer suspected it hurt her too much.

Most of the Sheriff’s department hadn’t come. A few defiant deputies stood behind Pam as well as a couple of locals. It was a simple, quiet ceremony. There wasn’t a lot to say. It had become painfully obvious since your death that no one had really known you.

Spencer had, at least in some way. As he lingered after the mourners had left, he replayed every conversation you’d had. He thought about the day you had found him on his knees in the bathroom, the first night you had spent together, the subsequent nights, and he thought about that awful day he’d phoned you, angry and hurt, and told you it had run it’s course. The thought of that was still a knife in the guts despite the fact you had found each other again.

“I’m sorry” said Spencer softly to the small stone that served as a marker “Maybe if we’d done things differently you’d still be here.”

He shuffled, drawing his coat tighter round him as the wind picked up.

“You’d think that with all the times I’ve stood over the body of someone I loved I’d get better at it but this is the worst” he choked out. Gideon had passed on long before he’d died and with Maeve he’d only ever had the fantasy…. but you had been so…present. He knew how you had felt and tasted and you had been right there with him.

No more words came. There was no other way to articulate the anguish that was tearing through him. The next day he began the long drive back to Quantico. The board were due to meet and decide his fate but there would be no need for that. 

When Emily got into the office there was a badge and gun waiting on her desk. her calls would go unanswered for months. Penelope reassured her that everything was fine. Credit card transactions allowed her to track Spencer’s movements. He travelled awhile, revelling in the anonymity and the solitude. When that became too much he settled down, not in Quantico or your home town but near his mother.

“I’m going to teach for a bit.” 

Emily answered the phone one day a year later, her heart leaping at a number she didn’t recognise. 

“You’ve always been good at that” smiled Emily “I’m not going to offer you your job back because I know you don’t want it but if you ever want to come by and see everyone you’re always welcome. They’ll be so happy to know you’re okay.”

“I’m not sure okay is the right word but I’m…” Spencer trailed off.

“I know” said Emily and Spencer knew she did, in some small way. It still ached though.

Spencer hung up after promising Emily to call again soon. It wasn’t a hollow promise, after over a year of being adrift he was ready to make his way back to solid ground, albeit a different one to the one he had known. On the table sat the postcards. Spencer looked at them everyday but he had tried to make himself stop or at least give himself some respite. It was hard though and for the moment he allowed himself that one final outlet for his grief, the finest of threads that still connected him to you. One day he might be able to put them away but for now, when he read the words he wrote to you, it was as if you were sitting there with him.

THE END


	22. Conclusion Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer makes his choice

The SUVs and the Sheriff’s cars careened down the road, a cacophony of sirens and flashing lights echoing into the night. Emily rode with Maxwell at the front of the convoy, relaying orders to the team via Garcia as Maxwell barked orders into the radio.

The entire situation was a clusterfuck of epic proportion. 

“My deputy is not a murderer” hissed Maxwell “I don’t care what that junkie bitch says.”

“It could have been a distraction while Frank Jr kidnapped her” nodded Emily “I can’t reach Agent Reid, neither can our technical analyst”

“That was the boys at Y/N’s house” Deputy Brooks said from the back seat, waving his phone “There’s no one there. Your Agent must have gone after them when your analyst tracked down the boat.”

“God damn it Reid” groaned Emily “I swear to god I-”

Emily was cut off as the car screeched to a halt, the vehicle behind nearly crashing into it.

_No. No, please god no._

“Is that it?” Emily whispered to Maxwell who nodded.

“Yeah that’s the Hudsons’ boat” he said faintly “Or at least what’s left of it”

“Maybe…maybe they were able to get out?” said Emily as they watched the vessel be consumed by mammoth flames. Even as she said it she knew it wasn’t true. They could feel the heat from inside the car and the area looked deserted.

* * *

No complete bodies were found. Some bone fragments that were later matched to Frank Hudson Jr were found, along with teeth that tested positive against Y/N’s DNA and dental records and Spencer Reid’s service weapon and badge. Everything else was smoke and ash. A search of Y/N’s property turned up nothing of except a toolbox and everything inside was unusually clean - no blood or skin or anything that could could corroborate Maya Gold’s claim that the young deputy was a vigilante who had killed dozen’s of the Hudson’s lackeys as well as James Hudson at his bar. After a brief investigation Gold’s claims were dismissed as a hoax. With no body to bury, a small marker was added to her mother’s grave and her photograph was hung up on the wall of the station next to Donnelly and her father. A similar arrangement was made for Spencer in the halls of Quantico. The only other thing of interest found at Y/N’s house was a box of postcards detailing a previously unknown relationship between the two.

“I don’t know who should have them” Pam said shyly to Emily as the BAU prepared to leave town “We have enough to remember her by here so you should take them”

“I didn’t know how close they were” admitted Emily, taking the box from Pam “Spencer had been through a lot over the past few years. I’m just glad they found each other. I’m going to send these to his mother, she should know he found someone that made him happy.”

“She loved him so much” smiled Pam “I don’t think there was anyone else that made her feel that way. I’d like to think that they’re still together somewhere”

* * *

Frogner Park was filled with families, tourists, couples and all manner of people enjoying the sunshine and the sculptures. The flowers were in bloom and the water on the pond was still. After spending the morning inspecting the works of art, the couple sat in the shade not far from the waters’ edge watching the people going about their day. The man sat with a book open on his knee, lazily flicking through the pages while his free arm was wrapped around the woman’s shoulder, drawing her close to him. Her eyes were half closed, enjoying the summer breeze and the sounds around them.

“It took fourteen years for three masons to complete the monolith sculpture” Spencer murmured.

“It was beautiful” you replied. You had wanted to take a photo on the stone steps that led up to it but it wasn’t worth the risk. It’s not like either of you had anyone to show it to anyway. Instead the two of you had quietly inspected the faces of the human figures carved in stone. Another tourist, a fellow American, had spotted you and even offered her camera but they had politely refused. 

“You two make a lovely couple” the tourist had said as you parted ways “I’m guessing you’re on your honeymoon?”

“Married a week ago” Spencer had lied, his fingers entwining with yours. 

“Aww so sweet” the woman had cooed “Enjoy they rest of your trip.” You had both nodded and smiled as she left, your grip on Spencer’s hand tightening as your heart beat faster.

“It’s okay” Spencer had whispered soothingly, steering you away “She was just being friendly.”

“I know” you had responded, keeping the smile on your face despite the dull ache that had set in “It’s still so…”

Even an hour later as you sat together under the tree you still couldn’t find a word to describe how you felt. The fear that the overwhelming happiness you had found would be taken away was subsiding ever so slightly each day but you weren’t sure it would ever leave you. Spencer’s lips brushed your forehead and, as always, it helped you feel safe and at ease.

* * *

There was a part of you that hadn’t expected him to say yes to you on the boat over a year ago. Even when he was throwing down his gun and badge and watching you pull three teeth out, you were sure he would turn around and flag down his team. The fire you started consumed the boat quicker than you expected and the two of you had only just made it out of the docks. You saw back up arrive but didn’t stick around to watch their reactions. Instead you headed to the outskirts of town where you had hidden a car filled with supplies and just driven non-stop through the night, not stopping until the sun was high in the sky the next day. You didn’t dare check into even the seediest of hotels until you were two states away.

“You had this all planned” said Spencer after you had thrust some cash at a strung out looking kid behind the desk and made a point of writing “Mr and Mrs Smith” in the log book. You sat in the grimy room together, the adrenaline finally wearing off. 

“For the past few years” you nodded “There was always a chance at the end that I may need to run so I made sure I was always ready and had everything I needed to get away.”

“And that included this?” Spencer asked quietly, pulling the book of myths he had given you long ago out of the bag of supplies. 

“It’s one of the most important things I own” you said and you reached out to take his hand. He didn’t pull away but he didn’t look directly at you either. “I was telling you the truth when I said I loved you. You know that, you wouldn’t be here otherwise. I’m going to spend the rest of our lives proving that to you if you’ll let me” you added.

“I know” said Spencer “I just need to know that we can be honest from now on and I need to know it’s over.”

“It’s over” you promised “I finally did it I…”

It was over but you came to realise that it was a curse as well as a blessing. The first few months you found yourself in a deep dark place and you weren’t sure you were going to get out of it. Your entire life up until that point had been devoted to a single cause and now there was nothing. You felt like you were nothing.

You screamed, you cried, you beat yourself up, you were silent for days, you curled up in the corner of grubby rooms and didn’t move and every single step of the way Spencer was there.

“Let me help you” he said, holding you close at night. You shivered even when it wasn’t hot, and you felt under a constant shadow.

“It’s suffocating” you whispered back in the darkness of yet another run down rented room “There’s this great, empty space stretching out around me and it feels like there’s no air.” Spencer stroked your hair, cradling you as you fought this heaviness that threatened to smother you. 

You had never been directionless before and it scared you more than anything else. After months of moving around and living hand to mouth in the shadows Spencer came up with a plan. He had dragged you to a small library in a featureless town and grabbed an atlas off the shelf.

“Pick somewhere. Anywhere.” You looked at him in disbelief but he had urged you on. You had settled on Oslo. Spencer asked you to pick again and then again and again. Rome, Istanbul, Athens, Budapest, The Hague, Lille, Munich, London, Sydney, Milan. All places you had longed to visit when you were younger but never got the chance. Spencer added his own to the list: Sarajevo, Cairo, Helsinki, Paris, Venice, Brussels, Vienna, Tokyo, Jaipur. When the list was long enough Spencer had kissed you on the forehead and told you to wait for him at the motel.

He was gone three days. 

You had almost convinced yourself he had done a runner when he turned up in the middle of the night with a thick envelope with passports and IDs for the two of you. You had your own documents from your escape kit but with nothing for Spencer you had resigned yourself to staying in the US, a dangerous prospect for the pair of you.

“I got a couple for me and an extra one for you” Spencer explained “By the way we’re married now, at least on paper.”

You looked at him in surprise.

“I know it’s probably not what you were hoping for” he said softly “I don’t have a ring or anything”

You threw your arms around him, never wanting to let go.

“I don’t need any of that” you said, choking back a sob.

“We probably should pick up a ring at some point” said Spencer. he pulled away and brushed the tears from your face. “For appearances sake I mean”

“How did you get all this?” you asked in disbelief running your fingers over the glossy photo with the unfamiliar name. Spencer looked at you slyly.

“I know things. There’s a reason they didn’t grant me bail when I was arrested. They were right about my resources. There’s also more cash here. Enough for plane tickets. No one is looking for us so if we head across the border and then fly to Europe…”

“Are you sure about this Spencer, I mean really sure?” Spencer kissed you fiercely and you felt lighter than you had since the night on the boat.

“I’m sure. We’ll get by. Scout’s honour” he smiled at you. 

* * *

As the afternoon wore on you made your way out of the park hand in hand. You would stay in Oslo another day or two before moving on. Truth be told Spencer took to the fugitive life better than you did. Counting cards, an eidetic memory and a few other tricks he had failed to mention proved to be useful tools in your new life together. Money wasn’t an issue and finally there were no secrets between either of you. You were completely exposed to one another.

“I don’t tell you enough how much I love you” you said as you headed back to the hotel.

“No you don’t” Spencer teased, bringing your hand up to his lips to kiss. It was the first thing you said to each other in the morning and the last thing each night. You never second guessed him him when he said it to you. There were still doubts that plagued you in the quiet hours when you couldn’t sleep and Spencer was lying still next to you. You would watch him and pray you hadn’t made a mistake that would damn you both. There hadn’t been a single moment when you suspected he regretted his choice but you still worried sometimes. You had never really talked about what would happen after all this, if you would start the family you knew he wanted, if you would carry on travelling, if you would settle down and forge a permanent life as two entirely new people.

“Forget about tomorrow, just for a little while” Spencer had told you the only time you had brought it up “I want to spend some todays together first. Then we can deal with tomorrow.”

You repeated it to yourself like a mantra everyday. Forget about tomorrow. Slowly but surely you began to believe it and day by day the woman you had been, so hurt and angry and raw, healed a little more.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will also be posted twice weekly on my tumblr - @illegalcerebral!


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